Cat Pimp

by Telling Dad on March 21, 2014

It’s probably odd to make my return with a post about pimpin’ but it makes too much sense to ignore. Just don’t go stealing my idea.

3090036Our 5-year old daughter Kamryn likes to watch a show called “Too Cute,” which is essentially an infomercial for puppies and kittens. If you ever find yourself on the fence about acquiring a pet, this show will shove you with brute force into the waiting arms of breeders and shelters alike.

As Kamryn watches, the shrieky shrills of “Ohhhhhs” and “Awwwwws” steadily climb in volume as puppies and kittens tumble over each other, chase toys, or just nod off to sleep. And should one look at the camera with a slightly tilted head? You can audibly hear Kamryn’s heart explode.

In the episode I sat to watch with her, they were showcasing a breed of cat called Savannahs. They look a lot like cheetahs and leopards, instantly making them totally way cooler than the four ghetto cats we have walking around here somewhere. The Savannahs are bigger, sleeker, purrier (it’s a word, trust me), and just plain gorgeous.

I wanted one.

Considering some people will pay you to take cats off their hands, I figured these things would cost maybe $50-$100 because of their markings and general badassiness. When I saw how off I was in my estimate, the light bulbs glowed above my noggin.

SavannahCat1

For males…they sell for as much as $22,000. For females…$35,000. Granted, that’s for some class called an F1, but even going WAY down the line to the least desirables, you’ll shell out upwards of $1,500-$3,000. And that’s for an inferior cat!

You know how much my cats are worth?

Bear with me a moment while I look up the going rate on alleycat pelts.

Okay, they’re worth NOTHING.

In fact, when you consider ripped fabrics, puke logs, and shredded possessions, they’re actually worth negative dollars.

At the rate cats reproduce, these Savannahs would be a goldmine in comparison.

Case in point, my father-in-law has a farm. And on this farm there were two cats. Before he could hum out an E-I-E-I-O, there were three dozen offspring. With a mew-mew here and another cat there, here a cat, there a cat, everywhere another cat. So many, in fact, that he had to dedicate a swath of field to the cultivation of catnip. And because he can’t possibly catch all of these feral furballs to de-nutify them, the population keeps growing. It’s so bad that cows and goats are forming alliances.

I told Heather that we have a surefire business in the making. All we need to do is plunk down $57,000 for a top-of-the-line male and female, throw in another $20 for a litter pan and miscellaneous toys, and BOOM! We’re in business.

Beyond that, what expenses are there beyond keeping these things alive? It’s not like cats need any sort of motivation or encouragement to do the business, so we’ll save on dim lighting, mood music, and Cat Fancy centerfold pinups.

Being the practical one, Heather had some questions.

“How would you even afford $57,000 for two cats?”
This is what banks are for. They simply need to see a viable business idea that’s supported with raw numbers. Considering the gestation period for cats is measured in days, we’ll be cranking out plenty of inventory. Even if our bank doesn’t already have some sort of program for cat pimpin’, they’ll have to take this seriously.

“What about the four cats we have?”
We can sell their pelts. The search results are already bookmarked on the Google.

“How do you plan on keeping them safe?”
This idea isn’t totally fleshed out yet but I’m thinking we get a giant hamster ball. While it may be annoying as the things roll around on the hardwood floors and bump into walls, they’ll adapt. When we have an order, we put them in the same room, wait a few days, and cash a big fat check.

Jackpot.

Jackpot.

“You really think there are enough people willing to pay $20,000 for a cat?”
We can be the WalMart of Savannah cats. Even at fifteen grand a pop, we’re making mad bank, and people will line up for the savings. Best of all, people LOVE the whole “Made in America” dealio, which we can play up with some fancy stickers.

And besides, if you show the following photo to someone with a spare $15,000?

It’s as good as sold:

savannah-kitten

The whole idea is still in its infancy stages but that doesn’t mean I haven’t already ordered my personalized license plate.

This…is gonna be sweet.

ferarri

{ 15 comments… read them below or add one }

Leah March 21, 2014 at 11:19 am

Hilarious! Those kittens are adorable!

My husband is right there with you on the whole cat pimpin’ thing!

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Peggy March 21, 2014 at 11:21 am

Welcome back!

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Kimberly March 21, 2014 at 12:13 pm

I will take 2 from your inaugural litter. Just don’t show the invoice to my husband and we’re cool.

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Tasha March 21, 2014 at 1:03 pm

My husband and I wanted a Bengal cat, and then we saw the Savannah cat. Sold! We’d take one.

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Mishka March 21, 2014 at 1:24 pm

Oh my gosh the Savannah cats are gorgeous. I too have been sucked into that show, and I never thought about the fact that it is totally a pimp for the breeders out there because you never see them do an episode that involves mutts…

My word of advice would be to be careful what you wish for…you and your family could be forming alliances if the breeding gets going…LOL

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Nancy B March 21, 2014 at 1:31 pm

I can’t stop laughing…. Welcome back!
My husband hates cats so I’m out of the running. But I could point a few friends of mine in your direction that are insane cat lovers. And I do mean “insane.” :-)

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Sylv March 21, 2014 at 3:57 pm

Welcome back! !

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Rob March 21, 2014 at 4:42 pm

LOL. Dude I am not sure what to say other than I can give you the $700 I saved in cable to get in on the ground floor. I see this taking off and taking off fast. I’m in but don’t tell Melinda.

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Sandy March 21, 2014 at 6:11 pm

Tibetan Mastiff…now that’s your true money maker (Google it, because you certainly won’t see it on Too Cute)!

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Dianne March 25, 2014 at 10:35 am

Welcome back! Those cats are gorgeous. Reowr.

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karen March 25, 2014 at 5:08 pm

I thought you fell off the face of the earth! So glad you’re back! I’ll trade you one of those adorable little leopard kittens for my sweet, long-furred, puking, scratching elderly model.

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The Son of TellingDad March 25, 2014 at 8:40 pm

I loved the Savannah cats too, but my father says he would use them for profits only. But I love cats because they relieve stress and comfort you.

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jody April 9, 2014 at 10:56 am

hilarious post, please write more! Miss your humor! I for one will not be taking on any cats in the future. We had one for a short time. It was nothing short of rude and very much the opposite of the lovey dovey purring ball of fluff my daughter had envisioned. One night it simply refused to come inside. What can you do? I tried to get her and she was like “UH< NO!!!". SO I shut door went to bed and it never came back, just disappeared into thin air in the woods, I was pretty happy about that. Very sad.

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Joanna April 15, 2014 at 11:36 am

“…on The Google.” bahahaahaha! Love it. However, those cats freak me out in all kinds of ways. That being said, good luck, Pimp Daddy!

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Amy April 26, 2014 at 9:41 am

“Search results are already bookmarked on the Google.” I was going to comment on the same line!
So glad he’s back.

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