It’s probably odd to make my return with a post about pimpin’ but it makes too much sense to ignore. Just don’t go stealing my idea.
Our 5-year old daughter Kamryn likes to watch a show called “Too Cute,” which is essentially an infomercial for puppies and kittens. If you ever find yourself on the fence about acquiring a pet, this show will shove you with brute force into the waiting arms of breeders and shelters alike.
As Kamryn watches, the shrieky shrills of “Ohhhhhs” and “Awwwwws” steadily climb in volume as puppies and kittens tumble over each other, chase toys, or just nod off to sleep. And should one look at the camera with a slightly tilted head? You can audibly hear Kamryn’s heart explode.
In the episode I sat to watch with her, they were showcasing a breed of cat called Savannahs. They look a lot like cheetahs and leopards, instantly making them totally way cooler than the four ghetto cats we have walking around here somewhere. The Savannahs are bigger, sleeker, purrier (it’s a word, trust me), and just plain gorgeous.
I wanted one.
Considering some people will pay you to take cats off their hands, I figured these things would cost maybe $50-$100 because of their markings and general badassiness. When I saw how off I was in my estimate, the light bulbs glowed above my noggin.
For males…they sell for as much as $22,000. For females…$35,000. Granted, that’s for some class called an F1, but even going WAY down the line to the least desirables, you’ll shell out upwards of $1,500-$3,000. And that’s for an inferior cat!
You know how much my cats are worth?
Bear with me a moment while I look up the going rate on alleycat pelts.
Okay, they’re worth NOTHING.
In fact, when you consider ripped fabrics, puke logs, and shredded possessions, they’re actually worth negative dollars.
At the rate cats reproduce, these Savannahs would be a goldmine in comparison.
Case in point, my father-in-law has a farm. And on this farm there were two cats. Before he could hum out an E-I-E-I-O, there were three dozen offspring. With a mew-mew here and another cat there, here a cat, there a cat, everywhere another cat. So many, in fact, that he had to dedicate a swath of field to the cultivation of catnip. And because he can’t possibly catch all of these feral furballs to de-nutify them, the population keeps growing. It’s so bad that cows and goats are forming alliances.
I told Heather that we have a surefire business in the making. All we need to do is plunk down $57,000 for a top-of-the-line male and female, throw in another $20 for a litter pan and miscellaneous toys, and BOOM! We’re in business.
Beyond that, what expenses are there beyond keeping these things alive? It’s not like cats need any sort of motivation or encouragement to do the business, so we’ll save on dim lighting, mood music, and Cat Fancy centerfold pinups.
Being the practical one, Heather had some questions.
“How would you even afford $57,000 for two cats?”
This is what banks are for. They simply need to see a viable business idea that’s supported with raw numbers. Considering the gestation period for cats is measured in days, we’ll be cranking out plenty of inventory. Even if our bank doesn’t already have some sort of program for cat pimpin’, they’ll have to take this seriously.
“What about the four cats we have?”
We can sell their pelts. The search results are already bookmarked on the Google.
“How do you plan on keeping them safe?”
This idea isn’t totally fleshed out yet but I’m thinking we get a giant hamster ball. While it may be annoying as the things roll around on the hardwood floors and bump into walls, they’ll adapt. When we have an order, we put them in the same room, wait a few days, and cash a big fat check.
“You really think there are enough people willing to pay $20,000 for a cat?”
We can be the WalMart of Savannah cats. Even at fifteen grand a pop, we’re making mad bank, and people will line up for the savings. Best of all, people LOVE the whole “Made in America” dealio, which we can play up with some fancy stickers.
And besides, if you show the following photo to someone with a spare $15,000?
It’s as good as sold:
The whole idea is still in its infancy stages but that doesn’t mean I haven’t already ordered my personalized license plate.
This…is gonna be sweet.