Kitty Cat Warfare

by Greg on May 11, 2013

As many of you might remember, I had made an agreement with Michael and Kamryn that if they could go two weeks without fighting and misbehaving, we’d get them a kitten.

[See: Kitty Cat Countdown]

And, as you can see from the picture below, there are now three furry little balls of curiosity chilling on our ottoman.

kittycats

They're plotting *something*. You can tell.

Could it be? Is this the result of two, four, six weeks of sibling love and merriment?

No. It’s the result of a spineless wife who can’t resist bringing home a basket of fluffy felines.

It was a surprise attack. Kitty warfare. There was no discussion. No negotiation. No forewarning. And no offers of truce.

Instead, she just dropped the bomb.

Fuzzy napalm.

“I couldn’t take just ONE,” she said in a voice dripping with summoned innocence, “their mother would have moved them.”

See, these cats were born at my father-in-law’s farm thanks to a fertile feral mommy cat and a horny feral daddy cat. As much as her father tries to corral his growing cat population with mass testical executions and fallopian snips, they’ve become increasingly difficult to catch.

It used to be easy. A few twiddling fingers, a high-pitched voice, and maybe a dish of kibble was all it took to coax them into capture. But after years of seeing their feline brethren return without their kitty berries and exhibiting an odd limp, they’ve grown to distrust Farmer Dave. Even if you’re fortunate enough to make eye contact with one of the elusive farm cats, they’ll immediately dart into the shadows or climb to the tippy-top branches of the nearest tree.

When Heather discovered these particular kittens, she took it upon herself to make sure they wouldn’t eventually add to the population. She monitored their growth and made sure they were tended to by their mother. Then, once they reached the proper age, she snatched them before they could be influenced or educated by the feral populous surrounding them. Listening to her explain it, you’d think she rescued them from some twisted and impressionable cat cult.

It took them 2.3 seconds to assume they owned the place.

It took them 2.3 seconds to assume they owned the place.

This type of warfare should be condemned and thwarted by the U.N. because Heather uses it to arbitrarily fill our home with a procession of adopted pets. My sister asked if the movie “I Bought a Zoo” was inspired by my life, but this would have implied some sort of forethought or intent. No, the movie inspired by my life would be entitled, “My Wife Adopted a Zoo; I Just Live In It.”

Her surprise attacks rain down with a furry arsenal and there’s really no defense because she *knows* I’ll never be so callous to demand their return. In fact, this is how we acquired Dory, Mahlika, Reeses, our cat Larry, and a goat.

Ah, yes, the goat days. I arrived home one day and noticed a goat in the shower that hadn’t been there before. Heather, in her classic “matter of fact” way, simply explained that it was born premature and pointed out that it was cold outside.

“I can put it back out there if you want…but I thought it might be nice to nurse it back to health.”

There is absolutely no retort to such a statement unless you’re wearing a black hood and carrying a black heart.

Like I said…this type of warfare needs to be banned.

Brings back memories of bottle-feeding our own babies. Minus the whiskers.

Brings back memories of bottle-feeding our own babies. Minus the whiskers.

I’ll admit that each of her adoptions, aside from the shower goat, turned out wonderfully and each animal became a welcomed member of our family. Another plus is that we’ve had a longstanding agreement that *I* get to be the one to name the new addition.

Dory, because her aloofness, senility, and lack of memory reminded me of the fish from Finding Nimo.

Mahlika, because it means “Beautiful Face” in Turkish and this was her homeland.

Reeses, because the cat looked like a melted Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup Sundae.

Larry, because it’s such a non-cat name.

And now, it is my pleasure to introduce…

Eusless.

Eusless.

My wife isn’t a big fan of the name but she’ll warm up to it. She also thought “Larry” was an absolutely stupid name for a cat (thus its appeal) but has come to admit that the name is pure genius. It won’t take long for her to come around and fall in love with Eusless as well.

I told her if it bothers her that she can just call it “Eu” (You) for short. The end result would be something out of an Abbott & Costello routine.

“Eu puked on the rug.”

“No I didn’t!”

“Not you…Eu. Eu puked on the rug.”

“I did not!”

“I know *I* did not…I’m saying EU did!”

“Mommmmm! Michael said I puked on the rug!”

“No, honey, it was Eu.”

“No it wasn’t!”

…and on and on it would go until Heather came around to remove the regurgitated log of Meow Mix.

I also can’t wait to introduce her to our veterinarian.

“My cat is Eusless,” I’ll say.

“Find me one who isn’t,” she’ll reply.

Fun times.

Bottle feeding. Because I think breastfeeding your cats is a misdemeanor.

Bottle feeding. Because I think breastfeeding your cats is a misdemeanor.

As for the other two, they’re just here as temporary playmates. One is already spoken for and I have little doubt we’ll find a home for the other one. Granted, it may end up being ours, but I’m going to do everything in my power to make sure that doesn’t happen.

Perhaps I’ll have a kitty cat giveaway where I’ll randomly choose someone out of my Facebook Friends list and let them know that they’re the lucky winners. I’ll even ship Priority Mail to cut down on the transit time.

For now, our kids are in heaven. The kittens follow them around like little ducklings and Kamryn is loving how playful and inquisitive they are. Together, her and Michael built “New York City” out of blocks to see if they could escape. They did so with little effort, which doesn’t bode well.

Great idea, Michael. Kitty Cat Commando Training.

Great idea, Michael. Kitty Cat Commando Training.

I look at the whole thing as a teaching opportunity. For not only will they learn how to comfort and care for kittens, but they’ll also learn that mom is a pushover where fuzz is concerned. You could have a rap sheet loaded with felonies, but if you wait her out long enough, you’ll get that kitten.

Right now, the kittens are asleep in the corner of their box. It’s hard to tell where one ends and another begins. They’re just one big kitty clump.

To the untrained eye, these kittens look a lot alike. So when Michael’s friend asked, “How can you tell which one is Eusless?,” it was an easy reply.

“Take your pick, kid. Take your pick.”

_________________________________________________________

{ 24 comments }

Marianne May 11, 2013 at 10:31 pm

Only you could come up with a name like that! :> Shouldn’t be too hard to get down to one – they’re too adorable. No, I don’t want one… I’m lucky if I remember to feed myself some days…

Cindi May 11, 2013 at 10:33 pm

Don’t they just make your heart melt? Luv the name you chose!

Chris May 11, 2013 at 10:34 pm

This brings back memories for me. Horrible memories! A feral cat on the farm where we live was hit by a car on the highway. Two days later, my autistic little boy found that she had left behind five very hungry kittens. My soft-hearted husband said, “We have to save them!” So we set about bottle feeding five kittens. Like, every three hours, around the clock. And the sharp little teeth kept tearing the nipples, so I spent a fortune buying nipple after nipple for two weeks. Then my husband was hospitalized and I was driving back and forth to the hospital (3 hour round trip), and the kittens started dying from what I was told was probably low blood glucose. Every time my little boy would go check on the kittens and find another one dead, he would let out the most blood curdling scream you’ve ever heard. Then I to dispose of the dead little creatures, which totally creeps me out (can’t deal with dead animals. It’s a quirk.). My hisband, whose idea it was, missed the whole drama! It was an awful experience. On a happy note (I guess), one kitten did survive. He’s part of the family now, but I sure hope we never find anymore kittens!

Lorie Shewbridge May 11, 2013 at 11:07 pm

I knew you were going to keep them. I’m know that one is spoken for, but I foresee two kitties in your future.
I love the name Eusless – it’s perfect for any cat in my opinion.

P.S. Memo to self: remove myself from Greg’s Facebook friends list,

meg May 12, 2013 at 5:35 am

I have to be worried as well.. he pre-offered to ship them all to me.. when I already have 5. Love to have them, but the house will do a kitty implosion if I try to cram any more into our 800 sq. ft. basement living area. Not to mention, I don’t need to give my husband another reason for justifiable homicide.

Raw Once More May 11, 2013 at 11:35 pm

They certainly fared a lot better than the feral cats on my parent’s farm. They don’t stop at neutering, but rather go for the obliterating approach. As a vegetarian animal lover who follows Heather’s school of ‘rescue all the creatures’ thought, this devastates me. Probably also devastates the cats. My husband sympathises with you though. He never knows when a goat’s going to turn up in his shower either (although in his case it’s more likely to be a wallaby in the bed)

Jen-Eighty MPH Mom May 11, 2013 at 11:39 pm

Awww congrats? Your wife sounds an awful lot like me. I take in just about any needy, furry creature. Except I have never taken in a goat. This did paint a funny picture – do you have a photo of the goat in the shower? That would be priceless!

Kim May 12, 2013 at 12:05 am

So very happy for your family. Go Heather! You married a Rock Star, Greg–on so many levels! They’re adorable. Enjoy!

meg May 12, 2013 at 5:39 am

I foresee 2 kitties in your future Greg. I’m not quite as good as heather when it comes to the rescue of animals.. but it does pull at my heart strings a fair bit, and I have a definite weakness to the kitties. Of my 5 cats, 4 were kitten rescues. All from a feral state. The 5th one.. is our baby.. just over a year & a half old, and my non cat loving husband.. BOUGHT her. Yep. I think I converted him, by wearing him down.

Rob May 12, 2013 at 6:09 am

LOL, awesome post. The name Eusless is awesome. The whole puke conversation had me laughing so hard. Good luck my friend. I hate cats so if Melinda came home with three I am not sure how I would handle it.

karen May 12, 2013 at 7:09 am

Even though one is spoken for, you might have to come up with another kitten. How can you have 3 kids and only one kitten? I can hear the fighting from here.

Lora May 12, 2013 at 7:14 am

Your post was the Mother’s Day gift my teens failed to remember! What a great way to start my day! Thanks for looking after these adorable little creatures! Made me miss those baby days (of my kitten not the kids so much!) 😉

Terri May 12, 2013 at 9:49 am

Love them! And the name – I can only assume the other will be called Deuce – for Eusless Two! You really need to keep the twosome – hell hath no fury like a bored single kitten! Two will terrorize one another, a single will bring down the entire house one tiny pawprint at a time. And they are cute, were I not at full capacity, I would gladly have one shipped Priority 🙂

valmg @ Mom Knows It All May 12, 2013 at 2:06 pm

I absolutely lost it at kitty berries and an odd limp.
They’re adorable!
Kittens are fun, enjoy them!

Brian May 12, 2013 at 2:30 pm

Fun times!

It’s nice that you have someone doing things to keep your life interesting. Just think how bored you’d be if you never came home to find a goat in the shower (that wasn’t there before).

I like reading your blog, but I’m really glad we’re not Facebook friends, because I don’t want to win the drawing and have a cat mailed to me.

Valerie May 12, 2013 at 7:24 pm

I too am trained in this type of warfare. I once owned 13 pet rats. I saved them all from certain death by being eaten by snakes.

I’m a sucker for anything with fur.

Hugs!

Valerie

trisha May 12, 2013 at 7:53 pm

I love them. We are big on rescuing animals and as a result I have one dog I want to kick atleast 50 times a day…but I dont. I have 5 cats and they all have odd names, so Euless works for me.

Nancy B May 13, 2013 at 8:48 am

Love the story and the kitty name!

Katie May 13, 2013 at 9:34 am

This is too funny, I just had a patient 2 weeks ago with a cocker spaniel named Useless. I was like, “who names their pet useless”? Now I know!

Telling Dad May 13, 2013 at 9:36 am

Holy smokes! I thought it was like totally original. Well, I suppose with a few hundred million people in the US there’s bound to be more than one genius.

Laurie F May 13, 2013 at 12:15 pm

Eusless. One of the best names for a cat I’ve ever heard! (says the proud owner of Squeeky and Soda) Enjoy your new family members.

Peggy May 13, 2013 at 1:10 pm

What a great name but be careful for what you wish for 🙂 My neighbor, Jo, once rescued a miniature poodle. Her husband, Wallace, said she could keep it on the condition that he would name it. She agreed. Thus Wallace, not wanting a poodle product, decided to name it the most disgusting thing he could think of: Phlegm. Phlegm loved his name and owners so much that he decided to live to the ripe old age of 23!

Bubbe May 13, 2013 at 4:23 pm

Love the name Greg! We weren’t that creative with our first cat. Though my brother-in-law wanted to call him Alpo we finally agreed on Furball.

Melinda May 15, 2013 at 8:44 am

HA HA that name is genius. I bet the vet would ask “And how do you pronounce that?” just in case it is something else and to avoid calling a pet useless. If you keep it you need a hidden video of your first trip to the vet.

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