SUBSCRIBE VIA RSSMichael and Kamryn have been begging us to get them a kitten for the better part of a year now. Heather, who would adopt every animal on the Ark if given the opportunity, is all for it. Myself, I’m a bit more practical, because I’m smart enough to know that most kittens ultimately turn into cats.
It’s not that I have a problem with cats, we have two of them around here somewhere. I’m just not sure I want a third. There has to be some cat quantity line that, once crossed, elevates a family from “cat owners” to “those crazy cat people down the street” and we may already be edging against wherever that imaginary line is drawn.
Cats are a unique beast because they come with a wide range of personalities and genealogical baggage. While you pretty much know what you’re going to get with a puppy, cat selection is nothing more than Pet Roulette. Either you’re gonna get lucky and have a cat that treats you with love, purrs, and cuddles, or you’re gonna have 14 years of disdain from a cat who hides under the bed hissing and batting at passing shins.
All kittens are cute and awkward and uncoordinated in their formative months. They have their giant bat-like ears, their bright wide eyes, and their little feline seizures every time they spot a trailing piece of twine. So if they all share these same “gotcha” traits, how do you know which one is right for you?
Truth is, you don’t. And the thought that you can look into a box of kittens and choose one that matches your personality is a complete fallacy. Unless you also happen to be a furry hyperactive lunatic.
Ingredients for chaos? One full cup of trouble.
Regardless of who the lucky little feline is, once you welcome it into your home, it’ll be all over you. It’ll purr, it’ll needle you with its pin-like kitty talons, it’ll tirelessly play with dangled string, it’ll sleep on your chest, and it’ll repeatedly mew its love for you.
But then it grows. And at some point in this transition from kitten to cat, they develop a personality. Quite often, it’s one of ownership. Not so much of your home or furniture, but rather of you.
After years of watching you feed it, groom it, and clean up both turd nuggets and hacked-up hairballs, they begin to see you as a servant to their needs. In Ancient Egypt, cats were worshiped and treated like royalty, and it’s a tradition that today’s felines like to carry forward to honor the forecats who sacrificed their 9 Lives so others could live a carefree life of pampering.
I like cats, I just don’t want another one. Yesterday while we were out to lunch, Heather offered Michael and Kamryn a deal. If they can go two weeks without fighting, they can get a kitten. She looked across the table expecting me to loudly debate the absurdity of such a reward, but I totally embraced it.
Why? Because I know this means we’ll never have another kitten.
I sat there calmly, and said, “Oh, I agree. Totally. You know why? Because this will be over before we make it to the car. In fact, if you go the two weeks, I’ll not only get you a kitten, but I’ll also hand each of you $1 million in cash. You’ll be allowed to eat ice cream and candy for every meal for the next five years. I’ll also buy you each a unicorn that will float on magical rainbows and take you anywhere you want to go.”
Kamryn was especially excited by the unicorn offer.
Let me assure you, if there was ever a safe bet, this is it. There are only three certainties in life. Death, taxes, and sibling rivalry.
Once back in the car, which the children impressively reached while holding hands and pledging their new found respect for one another, we explained that if they fight, the timer gets reset and they’ll have to start all over again.
So far, and we’re now on Day Two, they’ve been wonderful. They’ve been working out problems before they escalated, they’ve been sharing, and their patience with each other is off the charts.
But I’m not worried. For even if they make it to Day Thirteen, I have a plan.
There they will sit, one night away from a kitten search, and all I’ll have to do is drop a chocolate muffin between the two of them. If that doesn’t work, I’ll place the remote just out of their reach and speak to no one in particular when I say, “I want YOU to pick something to watch.” Plan C? “Who gets the last piece of cheesecake?”
Even if my first line of defense fails, I have everything from a Plan D to a Plan ZZZ. Granted, they still have 12 days to go, but I plan on ratcheting up the heat as Kitty Day draws closer.
Understand that it’s not because I want to encourage a brawl between my children. I simply want to encourage 14 years of less cat.
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{ 23 comments… read them below or add one }
I’m all for bribery when it comes to keeping the peace. Having said that, I’m also all for putting out a banana peel for a slip up if it means less fur around the house. My kids grew up pet-less. So it works.
I’d bribe my children with whatever I’d have to in order to gain their compliance with one another.
Growing up we had 3 cats and a dog. My Dad always had a two for one deal. If you want a new pet, pick 2 you are going to get rid of. Of course we could never make that choice, good old fashioned guilt always won out.
I am part of a ‘crazy cat lady’ family. We have four indoor cats. Two are sisters from the same litter (obviously) the other two are stray males. All are fixed. The females we *affectionately* refer to them as “the Jersey sisters” They are nice to us. And the one male cat that we got around the same time we got them. Not so much to the newest stray. Five months after taking him in, they are still little witches to him.
That said…. there are some ways to help choose a kitten that will have a decent personality as a cat. First, male cats tend to be more social than females. If you can put your hand over their face and they don’t fight it – they will be more docile. Our males, we can literally sit with our hands over their faces for minutes and they won’t move. We can’t even get close to putting our hands over the girls’ faces!
(we also have a 14 yr old Border Collie who chases the one male cat around the house – endlessly)
Good luck.
I don’t know who this should be attributed to, but someone said dogs think they’re human but cats think they’re God. An accurate assessment, I think.
A very devious plot…..I like it!
For the humor of it all- I really hope your children act perfectly for the next 2 weeks. THAT would be a great post…
However, being a teacher and a mom- I know you are on the safe side of that bet.
Nice! My husband has always said that the only problem with kittens is that they grow up to be cats. He’ll be glad to know he’s not alone in that.
I once fell into the cat trap. My girls begged for one and I caved in. Fast forward 2 years and they have the sweetest little cat known to kids. Adults, however, is a different story. She’s like a ninja with claws… It’s really only a matter of time before Boo kills my husband and I… Or talks the kids into it.
Good luck out there. And my the Gods have mercy upon your soul…
Hugs!
Valerie
I foresee a kitten in your future.
I was just explaining the concept of “you never know what you’re going to get” to my daughter about cat selection. My husband and I are both allergic to cats, so we’ve told our kids they’ll have to get their own when they move out. I love cats, but I think I’ve met three in my life who were actually sweet, affectionate cats. The Russian roulette analogy is spot on.
Dogs think, “The humans feed me, show affection to me, and clean up after me… they must be gods!”
Cats think, “The humans feed me, show affection to me, and clean up after me… I must be a god!”
Your assessment of feline behavior progression from kitten to cat is spot on. Made me laugh, because you perfectly described our snobby girl.
As a cat owner (singular, but only because we did adopt him and his sister as kittens and he decided he was really a 1 cat per household type of cat and his sister was very skittish with the kids), I totally understand this line of thinking.
HOWEVER, may I suggest that when/if you do end up looking for a 3rd cat (should pigs start flying, hell freezes over, and your kids make it the 2 weeks) you consider a cat who is past it’s kitten stage and already developed his/her personality? Since cats are living well into their 20′s these days you wouldn’t really be missing much (okay, kittens are adorable, but all that training of not using claws…)
Good luck with the bet!
You are so right about choosing a cat, it is the role of the dice, either a really affectionate one, or a “princess” who will barely tolerate you. One trick, if the kids actually make it the two weeks, and you have to give in on your promise. Go to an animal rescue, visit and play with the cats. Cats that repond favorably, note I said cats. Sometimes takes hours, even return trips,
but a good way to find out their true personalitites. Worked for my grandson, he settled for an 18 month old sweet cat he adores. Good luck.
I love your evil plot! But, probably not necessary. You’ll win this one, hands down.
And your assessment of cats is perfect. We once had 4 cats and were most certainly “the crazy cat family down the street.” Luckily a dear friend took them all in when my oldest was a baby and I have said no more. We’re a pet-free family. When I want to walk around with enough hair on my clothes to look like a cat myself, my kids can get a cat.
I recall a moment in my teen years. We had two grown cats, and I wanted a third. In a moment of uncharacteristic low foresight, my mom said I could get one but ONLY if it was a calico. She has since said she felt reasonably safe because those don’t happen often since they happen by accident. That same weekend, a lady in our church announced her cat had had kittens and oh, look! One’s a calico! MINE.
Mom kept her word, and when she was old enough, Tzeitel came to live with us. She was a sweetheart.
Sadly, when I turned 13, my father had no recollection whatsoever of promising my 8-year-old self a pony when I turned 13. I now realize he was just trying – successfully, it turned out – to shut me up about it. I was nattering and nagging from the back seat of the car and he probably figured a five-year follow-through was safe and a small price to pay to get me to stop asking every 10 seconds.
I love animals, and joke about being the crazy cat lady someday. However my policy has always been: don’t have more pets than you have time, & attention for. For us that’s 2 cats. My experience (of 6 cats total, 4 rescue, 2 not rescue) has been (cat or kitten) that rescues are more loving, outgoing,& social. We let the animal choose us though, not the other way around.
I don’t think you’re in any danger of ending up with another cat though given the deal you’ve made. I would’ve said 4 weeks though just so I didn’t have to listen to any whining for a month at a time
it just so happens I AM a furry hyperactive lunatic… MWAH HA HA HA HA … ok… you’re right…
I’m not furry.
*wink*
So, are they still holding up or have they fought? Your kids may be more stubborn than you realize, Greg.
YOU, sir, are an evil genius. You give the illusion of being cool about getting a kitten – without any risk whatsoever of having to get a kitten. I now know my strategy for the next time my kids ask for:
* A baby brother
* Anything that grows fur or needs care and feeding
* A Disney vacation this summer
Mwa-ha-haaaaa!
I am a dog person, although am decidedly turned off of ownership these days by the idea of following behind one and having to pick up poop (not that I think we shouldn’t, just that I am not sure I want to be strapped to it). We have never owned a dog in our marriage because we move all over the planet on a regular basis and we are never sure where we are going to land and any dog I would want to own would be medium to big and if we end up in some small place, it would be unfair to the pooch.
We have been cat owners the entire time (until recently when the second one passed away) and have moved them all over the planet with us. Both of our cats act like dogs (come when you call them, love the pets, pay attention to us). So much so at times, I have had to remind them they are cats. But the dog behavior is really the only reason I can tolerate them. I am not into snooty cats, that is for sure. The husband is decidedly a cat person so who knows if I ever will get to have a dog…LOL, but as long as the cats continue to act like dogs, I guess we will both be happy.
Good luck on not reaching Kitty Day…
And so do your kids have a new pet?
Update? I have five cats. I love them. If you get a cat, adopt!