I look forward to Christmas every year. Next to Thanksgiving and the mystery surrounding that lying little rodent on Groundhog Day, it’s my favorite holiday of all time. I just need to remember to avoid Facebook this coming season.
If you were on Facebook at any time between December 1st and Christmas Day then you undoubtedly saw more than a few shots of an “Elf on a Shelf” in your stream. The premise is to take an elf doll and move it around your house so that your children believe it comes to life at night and then freezes in place when they awake. Myself, I’d probably sleep with one eye open, but kids seem to love it.
Primarily, the elf is innocent. A few sit in trees, some are caught playing with the child’s toys, and others were frozen in place while munching on a few cookies.
Then there are the bad elves…the ones with a far more sinister side.
The more creative (or rather, the more depraved) elf owners have captured him in all kinds of nefarious activities. From threesomes with Barbies to lopping dolls heads off to snorting cocaine in the form of powdered sugar, there are no shortage of examples why creative placement shouldn’t be left up to adults.
Now, because it’s impossible to make a smooth segue from Christmas to nudity, I’m just going to come out and say that our eldest son is absolutely horrified by anything related to nakedness. So after seeing Andrew’s reaction when Kamryn approached with a naked Ken doll and taunted him in a high-pitched voice, “Andrewwww…he’s naaaaay-kiddd!,” the childish part of my brain went on autopilot.
I try to suppress it, I really do, but when the childish lobe comprises roughly 96% of my brain (the rest is clogged with all that adult-like nonsense) it’s impossible to thwart. While the devil sits perched upon my left shoulder coaxing me into mischief, the angel atop my right shoulder is giggling and telling me to go for it.
Because Andrew hates a naked anything, as well as dolls, it was a no-brainer to combine the two. So, for roughly a week, until Ken was apparently kidnapped and left for dead somewhere, he would come alive as Andrew slept and place himself in various locations around the house.
And now, with that very necessary introduction behind us, here’s a little pictorial of what Andrew awoke to each morning.
I believe the following is what led to Naked Ken’s demise. While Andrew was asleep, I infiltrated his laptop and loaded this photo into every system gallery and thumbnail I could find. The splash screen, icons, wallpaper, he was everywhere.
And finally, to make sure my mischief had a crescendo, I changed his password so that he couldn’t access his computer without typing…
Now…aren’t you glad you’re not my child?