I Love Naked Ken

by Greg on May 24, 2013

I look forward to Christmas every year. Next to Thanksgiving and the mystery surrounding that lying little rodent on Groundhog Day, it’s my favorite holiday of all time. I just need to remember to avoid Facebook this coming season.

If you were on Facebook at any time between December 1st and Christmas Day then you undoubtedly saw more than a few shots of an “Elf on a Shelf” in your stream. The premise is to take an elf doll and move it around your house so that your children believe it comes to life at night and then freezes in place when they awake. Myself, I’d probably sleep with one eye open, but kids seem to love it.

Unsurprisingly, it's also become a Facebook tradition.

Unsurprisingly, it's also become a Facebook tradition.

Primarily, the elf is innocent. A few sit in trees, some are caught playing with the child’s toys, and others were frozen in place while munching on a few cookies.

Then there are the bad elves…the ones with a far more sinister side.

The more creative (or rather, the more depraved) elf owners have captured him in all kinds of nefarious activities. From threesomes with Barbies to lopping dolls heads off to snorting cocaine in the form of powdered sugar, there are no shortage of examples why creative placement shouldn’t be left up to adults.

Now, because it’s impossible to make a smooth segue from Christmas to nudity, I’m just going to come out and say that our eldest son is absolutely horrified by anything related to nakedness. So after seeing Andrew’s reaction when Kamryn approached with a naked Ken doll and taunted him in a high-pitched voice, “Andrewwww…he’s naaaaay-kiddd!,” the childish part of my brain went on autopilot.

I try to suppress it, I really do, but when the childish lobe comprises roughly 96% of my brain (the rest is clogged with all that adult-like nonsense) it’s impossible to thwart. While the devil sits perched upon my left shoulder coaxing me into mischief, the angel atop my right shoulder is giggling and telling me to go for it.

Because Andrew hates a naked anything, as well as dolls, it was a no-brainer to combine the two. So, for roughly a week, until Ken was apparently kidnapped and left for dead somewhere, he would come alive as Andrew slept and place himself in various locations around the house.

And now, with that very necessary introduction behind us, here’s a little pictorial of what Andrew awoke to each morning.

'Cuz he's gotta get that morning bagel.

'Cuz he's gotta get that morning bagel.

He either touches Naked Ken or he goes barefoot.

He either touches Naked Ken or he goes barefoot.

Straddlin' the knob. That's what she said!

Straddlin' the knob.
That's what she said!

Breakfast of naked champions.

Breakfast of naked champions.

Keyboard!

Boo-yah!

Why watch television when you can stare at this all day?

Why watch television when you can stare at this all day?

Naked Ken was loving the shadow.

The reflection off the faucet makes this disturbing and perfect at the same time.

I believe the following is what led to Naked Ken’s demise. While Andrew was asleep, I infiltrated his laptop and loaded this photo into every system gallery and thumbnail I could find. The splash screen, icons, wallpaper, he was everywhere.

And finally, to make sure my mischief had a crescendo, I changed his password so that he couldn’t access his computer without typing…

I love you, too.

"I Love Naked Ken"

Now…aren’t you glad you’re not my child?

___________________________________________

{ 25 comments }

Ruby Cichocki May 24, 2013 at 12:48 pm

You are an evil genius:)

Jaime May 24, 2013 at 12:49 pm

you’re an awesome dad!

cat May 24, 2013 at 12:50 pm

omg that is the BEST! something i would definately do to my Mr if i could find anything that would rattle him.
excellent pranking!

Bubbe May 24, 2013 at 1:02 pm

[kneeling and bowing] I’m not worthy! I’m not worthy!

(And if you knew how hard kneeling is with a partial knee replacement you’d SO understand how much I respect your awesome prankster skills!)

Kim May 24, 2013 at 3:31 pm

That’s FANTASTIC! Have you read the Diary of a Wimpy Kid where he uses the pic of Shel Silverstien to creep his kids out? To this day we do the same…

Joanna May 24, 2013 at 4:41 pm

So my parenting style….love it! Evil parenting at it’s most awesome. 🙂

Jennifer May 24, 2013 at 6:25 pm

Slow clap of applause.

Brian May 24, 2013 at 11:57 pm

That is… kind of disturbing. Brilliant, but disturbing.

Maggie Pinque May 25, 2013 at 7:34 am

THAT.

*THAT* – is priceless.

I almost feel sorry for Andrew but I would have SO much fun with this myself that I am simply in awe of your mad genius.

Bravo and take a bow.

Raw Once More May 25, 2013 at 7:48 am

Now this, THIS, is why I wish I could have kids!

Shan @ Last Shreds of Sanity May 25, 2013 at 2:53 pm

When did Ken get a six-pack and a package?

Jen-Eighty MPH Mom June 11, 2013 at 10:01 am

Right??

karen May 25, 2013 at 6:37 pm

The most disturbing thing is Ken’s hair. WTF?

Wombat Central May 25, 2013 at 11:19 pm

We have Earring Magic Ken who comes with a hoop earring, lavender mesh short-sleeved shirt, lavender pleather vest and groovy pendant necklace. I’m sure my Ken would let your Ken borrow his spiffy duds so Andrew could sleep at night. Or could he?

Valerie May 25, 2013 at 11:51 pm

This is absolutely spectacular!!

We do the Elf on the Shelf thing. But as much as my girls love him, they have watch too many horror movies to not be wary of the elf. So he usually stays downstairs. Unless they are especially bad. If that happens, they wake up with an elf sitting on their pillow… Watching.

This pretty much guarantees good behavior around Xmas time.

Hugs!

Valerie

valmg @ Mom Knows It All May 26, 2013 at 11:56 am

My friend, I am laughing so hard I am crying. Love ya!

valmg @ Mom Knows It All May 26, 2013 at 12:05 pm

Oh and I am one of the people that found the elf on the shelf creepy.

Nancy B May 26, 2013 at 4:39 pm

I wish my dad would have cared enough to go to all the work you did. It may have been a little evil, but I bet your son knows how much you love him or you wouldn’t have bothered. 🙂 Love love love your posts!

Mishka May 27, 2013 at 5:38 pm

Sounds like fun….but I do see therapy in the future….LOL. I have always thought the elves looked a little scary and evil…but then I was disturbed by the dummy in the movie Magic, who I believe was the inspiration for Chucky.

Caroline May 28, 2013 at 10:58 pm

Omg, that’s awesome! When I was a kid, Ken used to have molded plastic boxer-briefs on. I kinda have to agree with your son – genital mutilation Ken creeps me out! I’ve been know to throw a skirt on him at our house to avoid seeing that creepy, bumpy, whatever that he’s packing! 😀

Elizabeth May 30, 2013 at 8:39 am

OMG!!! That’s some kind of funny.
🙂

Stephenie May 30, 2013 at 9:18 pm

That’s just….disturbing. LOL I am very jealous, I have no kens in my house.

Talon June 5, 2013 at 4:01 pm

You win at Parenting FOREVER.

Jen-Eighty MPH Mom June 11, 2013 at 10:00 am

Dying here…I lost it at Ken straddlin’ the knob! You are an evil genius…how about that moniker? I could totally see us doing something like this in our house (maybe not with naked Ken, but still). I like your style!

Talia July 1, 2013 at 12:57 pm

You are the funniest and best dad out there. Too darn funny!

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