Do You Have 28 Blogs That You Want To Self-Servingly Promote? I’m Your Ho!

by Greg on April 30, 2013

Okay, not really, but I must be giving off the vibe that I’m so desperate for blog content that I’m willing to take MY time to post THEIR linkbait without ANY compensation whatsoever. How else can I explain the constant stream of media johns approaching me every single day?

Does this approach really work? Is there some numbskull out there accepting these offers thereby encouraging reps to ratchet up their efforts? Why are these requests becoming common practice? And why do these reps feel that their posts are so darn interesting that bloggers will fall over themselves to post the junk for free?

If Mark Twain or Dave Barry approached me to ask if I’d be willing to share something they wrote with my readers, I’d do it. At a discount. But when no-name marketing-oriented attention-starved penny-pinching traffic beggars approach with their vapid nonsense, it drives me up a wall.

STOP already. Just…stop. As mentioned on my contact page, my rate for posting something I didn’t write is $250,000. Per embedded link. Offering anything less than this is an insult.

Especially when the offer is $0.

Hi,

We write articles for [ZAPPED!]. I came across your site, and I thought that your readers might be interested in a new article that we wrote. It’s called “28 Blogs Filled with Ideas on How to Host a Mother’s Day Brunch”, and you can find it here: [ZAPPED!]. If it is something you find interesting and think that your readers would as well, I was wondering if you would possibly consider mentioning it on your site.

Please let me know if you have any questions. Thank you for your time and I hope you enjoy the article.

Meghan Welker

…………………..

Dear Ms. Welker,

I would absolutely be interested in pimping out my site to serve your needs and the goals of the clients who pay you. To do my part in bettering your financial position is reward enough so I’m glad you made no mention of any kind of monetary compensation.

I’d like to mention that I also own two vehicles that would be perfect for magnet signage or even a full wrap if that would appeal to you. Both of my biceps are also available for tattoos and I’m happy to offer additional square inches for your message thanks to a healthy regimen of punishing dumbbell curls. Oh, and considering the generous nature of your offer, I’d also like to offer up my forehead. Pro bono, of course.

I think what I like most about your pitch is that I get the chance to promote 28 blogs other than mine in just a few paragraphs. To have the opportunity to act as a conduit for external traffic and give my readers 28 different ways to leave my site is exactly why I started blogging in the first place.

As you now know, since coming across my site, I started this blog to help others. Not through fundraising, laughter, or the promise of a mental escape, but rather by serving the needs of reps looking to fatten their wallets on the labor and digital real estate of others. It’s nice to get emails like yours and feel appreciated.

Having married a woman who became a mother, and considering I’m among the lucky few who was birthed by one, I think I’ll get a lot of use out of all these links. Up until this point, my Mother’s Day brunches have consisted of a gift-wrapped griddle and a spoken request that she try it out by whipping up some sausage and pancakes. Reading your article, I see that I’ve left out some critical elements to serving up a successful Mother’s Day brunch.

In particular, this loving gem is sure to further galvanize the relationship I share with my own mother and the mother of my children:

“Moms love to be pampered, and sitting at a beautifully decorated table is one way that you can show her just how special you think she is. To decorate the table, grab some glasses at the dollar store and fill them with flowers.”

I was always under the impression that dollar store glasses *weren’t* the way to show her just how special she is, but I’m thrilled to know that this isn’t the case. I’m gonna save a fortune.

“Make sure you use a table cloth and nice dishes. If you don’t have these items, see if you can borrow or rent them.”

While I’d be inclined to host the brunch elsewhere if I couldn’t afford a tablecloth on which to place my dollar store cups, I never thought about approaching neighbors or renting a few plates from area businesses. I just need to figure out what to do about salt and pepper shakers.

“Remember, if you don’t have a huge table to seat everyone, you can serve buffet style and allow people to mill around with their plates or TV trays.”

Milling around with TV trays? At what point does the affair become TOO classy?

In my case, I actually think NOT cooking is the greatest gift I can offer. But your article brings up a lot of valid ideas for the clueless. Like buying croissants and setting out a few bowls of jelly, or putting yogurt in glasses (which I assume are different from those with the flowers in ’em), or determining what you want to serve two weeks in advance so you have plenty of time to gather the ingredients and accoutrements from the motherless or those not fortunate enough to read this article.

In advance, and on behalf of myself and my readers, I’d like to thank you for the opportunity. To know that I’m only one of thousands that you chose to spam with your “work for free” offer is encouraging. It shows me that I’m on the right path. That bloggers as a whole are finally gaining a level of respect from the pseudo-peers looking to take advantage of them.

On another note, I wrote an article about How to Reheat an Arby’s Sandwich and that has turned out to be one of my most popular pieces. I’d like to offer that up as Blog Post #29 just in case people aren’t aware that they can buy a sackful of roast beef sandwiches the night before and then properly reheat them in the morning before guests arrive. To jazz it up a bit, they can optionally set out a few bowls of Arby’s sauce and then serve them on TV trays or Frisbees. Personally, I think there is no better way to create an unforgettable day for the beloved and special mom in one’s life.

I’m just glad I get to be a part of it.

—————————————–

{ 15 comments }

Denise April 30, 2013 at 6:53 pm

Nothin’ says “we love you Mom! ” like re-heated Arby’s sandwiches……Yum! Thank you, Greg, for helping us really give Mom the best Mother’s Day ever !

Emilie April 30, 2013 at 6:53 pm

Oh, I’m dying over here. Bwahahahahahahahahaha

So true, all of it.

trisha April 30, 2013 at 7:36 pm

Did you really send that back. I have to know.

Jennifer May 1, 2013 at 6:21 am

True perfection!!!

karen May 1, 2013 at 7:06 am

Your wife is truly blessed to be the recipient of all the knowledge you’ve culled from other blogs. I hope she appreciates it!

Sheila May 1, 2013 at 7:28 am

Do you know how many times I wanted to write a post like this, but just hold back because I think nobody wants to read my rant about all the crap my inbox gets. Great post.. and now I think I will rant next time I am frustrated 😉

Raw Once More May 1, 2013 at 8:48 am

Yes, oh yes. Just yes. And my mum is now in for the treat of her life. I’ve been doing it so wrong!

Stephanie R Awesome May 1, 2013 at 10:05 am

If there was a like button that would probably be totaled at around 1 million by now I’m sure. This was so funny!
If I was able to on this computer I’m currently on this would be shared on Facebook.

Thank you Greg!!

Dr Brassy May 1, 2013 at 10:18 am

Go get em Greg. The gaul of some people!!!! What you do is priceless and therefore I feel your $250,000.00 minimum is setting your sights a little low. I humble suggest you up it to a level that properly reflects your time and talent.

P.S. I am still waiting on your response to my to request that you post for me, my secret …”That one Weird trick your doctor doesn’t want you to know, to have a flat stomach”. All I need is your bank account routing number to send the 250 G.

Much love buddy…..

Dr Brassy

Nancy B May 1, 2013 at 10:22 am

LOL. You made my day….and thanks for the free Mothers Day tips…

Shan @ Last Shreds Of Sanity May 1, 2013 at 11:07 am

Damn it! Now I’m craving a Beef n’ Cheddar but our Arby’s closed down and the nearest one is in Fontucky, aka Felony Flats.

Oh, the torture! ;P

valmg @ Mom Knows It All May 1, 2013 at 12:23 pm

I was wondering if you really sent that back also.
And furthermore, I want to be there when you get the tattoos. 🙂

Shop with me mama May 1, 2013 at 3:01 pm

Lmao. Oh my gosh u are hilarious!!!!

Mishka May 4, 2013 at 7:03 pm

Oh my, I needed a laugh….and you supplied it! Love the quotes, definitely sounds like a high class blog post along with high class marketing…I love when I get comments on my blog that have nothing to do with the post that they are on and always include some scary url. Fortunately the majority of these kind offers you write of end up in my spam folder, or I might be tempted to write a snarky reply as well. Thanks for the laughs at someone else’s expense!

Teresa Claire (wisteriagirl) May 5, 2013 at 4:07 pm

The nerve of some people?? You have an amazing sense of humour, Greg! Reading your blog makes me laugh (really, it does). This post made me smile and laugh…thank you 🙂

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