SUBSCRIBE VIA RSSI love my wife. Not only because she’s my soul mate, but also because she hands me innuendos and blog topics on a silver platter.
I know it’s unsportsmanlike for me to take advantage of the things she lobs over the net, but I just can’t help channeling my inner McEnroe and ruthlessly smashing what she serves into her backcourt.
Like during our road trip to New Jersey when she started to feel the onset of fatigue. “I need something to suck on if I’m going to stay awake.”
She said this fully expecting me to hand her a roll of Life Savers rather than a sleazy, “Oh yeah?”
It’s that kind of innocence that keeps this going.
Like the time she was using some cooking gadget in the kitchen and casually remarked, “You know, it’s hard to get in but easy to pull out.” And I’m supposed to let that go? How can someone with my maturity level be expected to ignore this culinary comment and just go on slicing onions?
I’ve tried. It’s impossible.
There’s just something hardwired into my brain that involuntarily finds inappropriateness in even the most innocent of situations. It’s kind of like having Tourette’s but with less control. What can I say? Innuendo comes second nature to me.
Like last night, when I spotted this on our grocery store’s shelves:
Me (sidling up to Heather and whispering all sultry-like): “Hey baby, you like it thick and rough?”
Heather: “What?”
Me (pulling her close): “I’m just wondering if you like it thick and rough. I mean, I don’t want to try something if you don’t think you’d like it.”
Heather: “We’re at Wegman’s, you sicko.”
Me (revealing the box): “Sicko? I just want to know if you’d like to try this oatmeal. What were you thinki….ohhhhh, ewww! And I’M the sicko?! You are NASTY, girl! Get your mind out of the gutter.”
Heather: “Whatever. You know what you were doing.”
Me: “Yeah, I was trying to buy some oatmeal. Then you had to turn it into something nasty.”
Heather: “You’re a dork.”
Me: “Well, I’d rather be a dork than a deviant.”
Heather: “Whatever.”
Me: “I was gonna ask if you wanted crabs but I hate to think what you’d do with that one.”
Heather: “THIS. Is why I hate you.”
My wife chalks all this behavior up to immaturity but I’m more inclined to believe it’s a gift.
After all, I have proof. And I’m totally prepared to show her the package.
________________________________
{ 21 comments… read them below or add one }
Is it bad that I snickered every time I read “innuendo?”
WG
WilyGuy´s last post…Are You Seeing Other Blogs?
“And I’m totally prepared to show her the package.”
You even ended in innuendo. Well played.
My husband is the same, it’s usually pretty funny.
To a degree I am that way too.
At least they weren’t thick and rough crabs….
Geeeez… there’s 2 of my husband out there in this world? I can’t take him anywhere, or hold a conversation with him without his innuendo getting in there. EVER.
This is me. It’s a hundred times worse to be this way if you’re female. People expect it from guys, but when a woman snickers at “balls,” people judge. My best friend even refuses to walk through the pickle aisle at the grocery store with me any more. Sweet and sour pickles were invented for this type of humor. Just sayin’.
Bless Heather’s little heart to have to deal with you on a daily basis! But I have to admit, the hubs and I do this kind of stuff ALL of the time – those things that Heather said in the car and in the kitchen? Yep – my husband would have gone to town on those (so to speak).
Thanks for the laugh – I needed it this morning!
Inappropriateness is absolutely the spice of life.
Well, my life anyway.
Carrie´s last post…If it’s gotta be said, well I’m your girl.
This is what keeps relationships interesting. You would wonder what was wrong with us if we didn’t react this way.
Can only imagine what you would say reading off the menu at a Chinese restaurant.
Wait? Thinking like that isn’t normal? My husband and I might need to seek help. And our best friends.
I’m this way too. My husband always says, “My wife is such a pervert. I can’t take you anywhere.”
Ah Sweet Success.
that’s awesome…. my bf and I have a back and forth relationship with innuendo’s … I texted him the other day about wanting to give me a ride home, but I wanted to make it interesting so I said, “wanna bring me home tonight?” … and his response was, “it’s been a long time since a girl asked me that”
perv’s need to stick together.
LOL, don’t feel bad. My husband AND I are MUCH worse than you. It’s terrible and incredibly amusing at the same time.
My wife keeps sending me links to your blog. She says we could be brothers. Maybe that’s because the last time she said she was tired of my innuendos, I told her we never even tried Italian backdoor sex, but I loved her and if she wanted to go there, I’d be willing to help.
Women. Who can figure them out.
I feel so inappropriate now. I’m definitly the more vulgar one in my relationship. He always ends up looking at me with this wtf-is-wrong-with-you stare….
Audra´s last post…I dont post controversial stuff on Facebook. I post it here.
Now I know what my marriage looks like to outsiders. It’s hilarious!
We both go back and forth with the innuendos so neither of us can claim innocent naivety. It’s also enjoyable to see the effort we take not to say something that will be immediately turned around on us.
Jennifer @ Also Known As the Wife´s last post…Savory Apple Cider Pork Chops
This sounds so much like conversations between me and my husband that I can only shake my head (while shaking with laughter, of course). I’m sharing it with him, but I admit that I’m concerned that you’re just going to give him more ideas.
Isn’t one of our spouse’s primary responsibilities to provide us with blog material?
Oh dear. My husband and I are terrible about innuendo. The grocery store should really stop making the references so easy…
Somehow I missed this post. Now I know why.
And you wonder why your eldest ended up at the police station for almost being shanked at a Magic tourney…
I pray for Heather’s sanity. Lord knows you’re not going to help her keep it.
Shan @ Last Shreds Of Sanity´s last post…I Hate February. And Lent.
This comment is full of nothing except Wegman’s appreciation.