SUBSCRIBE VIA RSSOur 10-year old son has a big heart. He’s kind, he’s considerate, he’s respectful, and as a result, he’s a prime target for teasing.
While he’s not being beaten up, threatened, or ridiculed to the point of tears as some who endure bullying are, he’s often confused as to why other kids pick on him when his only offense is existing.
The worst offenders are the girls. Holy Moses. The pack mentality that exists in 5th grade girls is out of control. They’ve spit in his food, teased him relentlessly, broken his pencils, and onward the list grows. What makes it worse is that one of the ringleaders recently received an award for her Anti-Bullying poster when the kids all graduated from a “Stop Bullying!” campaign sponsored by the local police department. I so wanted to jump up and shout, “SHAM!” as she read her speech about kindness and treating others with respect.
When Michael did what he was told and reported what was being done to him, a teacher (not HIS teacher) explained that no one likes a tattle-tale. Maybe not, but last I checked, no one likes a bully either. And without harsh repercussions, the cycle will only grow. Today’s schools will never put an end to bullying through posters and pledges. They mean nothing. The solution lies in diligence, punishment, and an open door policy when the bullied seek refuge.
Thanks to this complete breakdown in teacher responsibility, Michael stayed quiet about what he endured. Even as the antics continued and got progressively worse, he was too afraid to approach anyone about what he was experiencing.
Well, as parents, we could see that he was off. Parents have a sixth sense when it comes to their children and we could tell something was amiss. It took the equivalent strength and cutting power of the Jaws of Life to pry his brain open, but once we did, the deluge of spilled emotions was incredible.
The posters on the wall? The pledges made to the officers? The promises made to each other? It was all for show. In these children’s eyes, nothing has changed. Those who witness bullying are told to stick up for the child being bullied. They don’t. Not because they lack the moral fortitude to do so, but because they don’t want to become the next target.
Those who are bullied are told to approach an adult, but even if the adult does take action, the child has broken the unspoken law against squealing. The result? More teasing, only this time, with the added smack of being labeled a baby or tattle-tale.
Quite honestly, I don’t see an end to this because the schools are pretty darn powerless to stop it. In my opinion, it starts and ends in the home and throughout the community. If parents, adults, and people in power don’t deliver the message effectively, nothing will ever change.
And the problem doesn’t just lie in strangers or acquaintances. Even kids who we’ve entertained daily in our home are part of the problem. They claim to be Michael’s friend but have no qualms about turning on him without warning. While the teasing and mean-spirited comments are bad enough, I believe their biggest offense lies in their indifference and silence when others are targeting their “friend.”
When another kid started teasing Michael and threatened to hurl a basketball in his face, they didn’t tell him to stop. They laughed and joined in until Michael gave up and came home. Ten minutes later, they were on our porch apologizing. Twenty minutes after that, the cycle repeated itself.
If any of you are close to completing a functioning time machine and are contemplating a trip back to 5th grade, don’t do it. In fact, you’d be doing everyone a great service if you just destroyed the apparatus as it sits and burned the plans. 5th graders have almost no loyalty. It’s like the Serengeti. If the pack or pride sees prey being devoured, they don’t defend the weak, they participate. In Michael’s case, his friends M.O. is to tease him, send him home, and apologize. Tease him, send him home, and apologize.
Michael has had enough.
Around their parents, they are model children. They’re polite, overly gracious, and not at all shy about exchanging “I Love You’s” and friendly goodbyes. But once the parents are out of earshot, we witness crotch-grabbing, offensive name calling, petty arguments over absolutely nothing, and vocalized gangsta rap lyrics with such touching lines as “All the ladies in the hood ‘r gonna suck my…”.
Yeah. I’m not making this up.
As well, Michael is friendly with a number of girls at his school and has a romantic interest (as best a 10-year old can) in a few of them. Once his “friends” caught wind of this, they were relentless. They teased him over his affections, claimed he was crazy because so and so is “fat”, and even asked their Magic 8-Ball if “Michael and so-and-so were going to have sex.”
Again. I’m not making this up. These aren’t high schoolers. These are 10-year olds.
Over the past few months, we’ve worried about Michael regressing due to the behavior he’s witnessing and experiencing. We worried that he’d hide his jovial, innocent self and have his happy-go-lucky nature battered into submission by kids who clearly wear two faces.
But, and I say this with complete pride, Michael shocked us during a heart-to-heart talk tonight in our family room. What he shared demonstrated to us that instilling proper values in your children from day one can pay eternal dividends. For he isn’t changing who he is in the hopes that they ignore him. He’s ignoring them in the hopes that they change who they are. And if they don’t? He says he doesn’t need them anyway.
He recognizes that just because these kids live down the street, it doesn’t mean he’s obligated to play with them or continue to be their punching bag. He doesn’t have to stand for it, and I’m proud of him for making the decision not to.
He doesn’t care if they don’t like who he likes. He doesn’t care if they’re in the habit of labeling girls as “fat”, “ugly”, or “creepy”. It isn’t going change how he treats or perceives the girls he gets “weird inside” over when they’re nearby. He doesn’t care if his decision means they won’t be his friend any more, because as he puts it, “If you think about it, they really weren’t friends to begin with.”
THIS…is who we raised.
He mentioned how uncomfortable he was when they started talking about overtly sexual topics and swearing “just because they thought it was cool.” When Heather pressed to be told what they said, he replied, “Mom, I just can’t tell you. It would offend girls everywhere. And you are one. Just know it was really bad. Women all over the world would be offended.”
We’ve had discussions with these boys before about their behavior and what’s allowed and not allowed in our home. It’s time for another one should the opportunity arise. If they’re on our property or in our home, they’re going to respect us, our son, and our rules. Elsewhere, if they want to be crass, disrespectful, and mean to one another, so be it, but Michael won’t be there. In the past, I chalked their behaviors up to boys just being boys, but it’s evolved into something worrisome.
Among Michael’s many quirks is his innate ability to take any compliment you give him and blow it so out of proportion that you almost expect him to be knighted by the Queen of the Universe as a result. If you tell him he ran fast, he says it’s probably a record. If you tell him he cooks some mean spaghetti, he sits down to craft a plan for his restaurant. And if you tell him you’re proud of him for letting behaviors roll off his back, he thinks he’s the son of God.
Heather: “Michael, I hope you know how proud we are that you don’t let this stuff get to you.”
Michael: “Well, it gets to me, I just don’t let it bother me for very long.”
Heather: “I know, but we’re really happy that you’re you and that you won’t change just because some people act this way. When these girls tease you, just tell them that you don’t understand why they’re picking on you but that you forgive them.”
Me: “He forgives them? Michael…have they ever apologized? Have they asked to be forgiven?”
Michael: “No. They like trying to make me miserable too much.”
Me (turning to Heather): “I don’t see where you’re going with this.”
Heather: “When Jesus had mean things done to him and the masses crucified him, he didn’t get angry, he didn’t lash out, and he didn’t seek revenge. He simply said that he forgave them. He was kind, compassionate, and didn’t change who he was in the face of adversity. Just like Michael’s doing.”
Michael (in all seriousness): “So I’m going to be the next Jesus?”
Heather (after a dumbfounded stare): “That’s…actually not at all what I meant.”
Me: “Uh, can I just say that I’d totally be down for that considering it would make me God?”
Heather: “Greg, stop. You know what I mean. And no Michael, you won’t be Jesus, I’m just proud of you for acting as he taught.”
Me: “Ya know. Let’s just say for argument’s sake that he was the next Jesus. If I were you, Michael, I’d march right up to those girls and say, “I don’t understand why you’re picking on me, but I forgive you. Now…enjoy your plague of locusts and watch as I turn your daddy’s wine into water. Oh, and, spoiler alert…you may want to get crackin’ on a boat.”
Heather: “Okay, now you’re just being stupid.”
Me (turning to Heather with palms extended): “I don’t understand why you’re picking on me, but I forgive you.”
Heather: “Sigh. Why do you always insist on being an idiot?”
Me (turning to Michael): “Uh, Michael? As mom has clearly demonstrated, this tactic isn’t entirely foolproof.”
Heather: “Ignore your father. Just do as you’ve been doing. You’re doing wonderful.”
Me: “I agree. We’re both very proud of you for that. But don’t forget what I said about the locusts. Girls HATE bugs.”
I’m not sure how Michael will deal with the next round of shelling but I do find solace in the fact that his skin is thick and his morals thicker. Unfortunately, it pains me to know that other kids aren’t so lucky. I just wish more parents took it upon themselves to put an end to the cycle.
Compassion, or the lack thereof, starts at home.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to make sure Jesus 2.0 hasn’t wandered off to Galilee.
______________________________________________
{ 61 comments… read them below or add one }
oh gosh, thank you for the happy ending to this post, but it sure brought up alot of bad stuff in that schoolyard bullying kinda never stops for those of us that had it bad, it goes on into college and the work place… mean people suck and they unfortunately continue sucking, unless of course the first Jesus steps in…
when people ask me why i never had kids.. my answer is always the same.. ‘KIDS??? i didn’t like kids when i was a kid!!’
I just laughed so hard & loud at the Jesus segment, my husband woke up and asked if I was dying. As someone who was bullied constantly as a child, I could’ve only wished for the self-confidence & wit Michael has. My only words of caution is that no matter how much it seems like a bully victim is strong enough to deal, there are almost always some hidden long-term effects. I sincerely hope your son is the exception. I truly think you raised him brilliantly.
I totally agree. I spent my whole life filled with fear…and still do. Bullies just grow-up, rarely do they change their personality, only their tricks. We are doing our best to find a balance for our children. On a side note that is why I choose to be a Girls On the Run coach. I love the program and it has already done wonders for some of the girls in our district!
Brilliant! As always.
On a serious note, I was a classic bully target when I was in junior high (13 and 14, not 10). I think this entire entry demonstrates very clearly that wisdom is not a result of how long you’ve lived but what you’ve learned. I was 21 before I realised that people who treat you shabbily are not and never were true friends. For your son to have figured that our at 10 is commendable. May he share his wisdom with those around him.
Great story as always, Greg! And obviously great parenting (at least on Heather’s part, lol) to go along with it.
And since I’ve been blazing the trail ahead of you remember “middle school is all about survival” don’t let anyone tell you it’s about grades or learning. It is learning to survive, which it seems that your 10 year old is advanced at.
And you should totally give him like a really embarrassing neck brace and wire it up for video recording so he can bust on the mean girls.
WG
We use the term, parent, loosely with Greg.
Heather, I forgive you.
Oh, and the Middle School survival you speak of is EXACTLY why he’s being homeschooled through 6th, 7th, and 8th grade. We’re not going to put him in that environment when we have the opportunity to avoid it. Several families are doing the same and I just think it’s the best thing for Michael because I don’t want to see his academic potential and joie de vivre threatened. He won’t be isolated from other kids, just ‘those’ kids.
Even teachers in this area speak of the state of that Middle School. It’s a rampant problem and I see no valid reason to toss him into that situation when there’s a wonderful alternative.
I wasn’t going to suggest homeschooling because that is such a personal decision, and it’s not like you haven’t heard of it before, but I must say I think you are making the right choice. Homeschooling is perfect for kids like Michael, who might otherwise suffer needlessly just for being themselves. If he could adapt to his peer group, he would have done so already. And since all are agreed that it isn’t he who needs changing, better to get him away from it so he can grow up in peace.
Make sure you also tell him that college will be awesome.
I’d document the bullying as much as possible and complain to the school.
Call the parents, the principal, superintendant etc. The story below illustrates just how hard kids will try insulate their parents from their pain. Just his week a 13yr old hanged herself after a wonderful game night with her parents becasue of the pain relentless bullies caused her.
http://www.kare11.com/news/article/975590/391/Bullying-blamed-in-suicide-of-13-year-old-Minn-girl
If I thought Michael were being bullied in the true sense of the word and certainly to this degree, we’d be far more aggressive in our stance.
I meant to imply that he’s not bullied the way some kids are bullied. He’s not hit, threatened, or verbally abused. He’s teased, and not by everyone. I’d more call it “Bullying Lite…98% Fat Free”.
But stories like this are EXACTLY why something needs to be done. As I said above, I feel horrible for those kids who are far more targeted and don’t have a refuge. It’s when something like this happens that parents in the community wonder why more wasn’t done. When in fact, they could have been taking the proactive steps themselves.
“Not my child” seems to be the pervasive attitude, and quite honestly, there are P-L-E-N-T-Y of parents who only encourage this behavior whether through either indifference or their own actions.
This was a heartbreaker in that article:
“Rachel’s parents found a note after her death. According to her father, the note read, “I’m fine = I wish I could tell you how I really feel.”
This is why we have heart-to-heart chats with our children and why dismissive answers such as these are never accepted. We drill into his brain like we’re tunneling to the center of the earth until he spills it. Between what we’ve witnessed, what he’s shared, and what we’ve been told, it’s no worse than I expressed above. Still not good, but not nearly as invasive and devastating as what this little girl endured.
Again, it starts at home, and this is one more example of an avoidable tragedy.
Can I ask if Michael has asperger’s syndrome? I ask because he reminds me so much of my youngest son, Joey, who also has asperger’s and would totally think we meant he was the next Jesus if we had this conversation. And he also lets things roll off his back as well. It’s like somebody turned off the “hurt” button in his brain, which enables him to deal with middle school in a manner much superior to how most 13 year old kids do.
On a more practical front, you may want to see if you can find the book “Four Minutes a Day” by E.C. Bernard. It’s a guide on how to enlist other children in school to surround a target and protect him from bullying in four minute segments. Lots of different kids participate and if they do it well and properly, there is an award of some kind. The bullies never know because the kids switch off and there is always a “walking companion” with your child who will not bully him. I gave this book to our middle school and they have done an exemplary job of keeping bullying MOSTLY out of their school. Harder on the bus and in the neighborhood, obviously, but it sounds like Michael has more sense than a lot of adults I know.
Heather, since you are president of the PTA, you might take this book to the school administration if you like the program. It may be out of print, but I might be persuaded to lend you my copy.
)
Hugs to you and to Michael.
Chelle
Definitely no Asperger’s Syndrome. The easiest way to explain it is to say, “Well, that’s just Michael.” He’s such a goofy kindhearted kid that he cracks us up on a daily basis.
We’ll look into the book as it sounds like a great concept. I’ll say that Michael’s school has made efforts and the principal takes it VERY seriously. But he’s only one set of eyes and I don’t think the threat of punishment should be the only deterrent anyway. Until you remove the desire to bully from the hearts and minds of those doing it, all the programs and harsh talk have minimal effect.
It’s sad to think that the teachers are so oblivious to what’s going on in their own classrooms that they would give the bullying ringleader a reward! I taught preschool and kindergarten for almost 30 years, and while at that age its a different kind of bullying, I still had my finger on the pulse of that classroom and did not let anything get by me. I fostered an atmosphere from day one of love and acceptance, of calmness and discussion, and I really have to say I had little problems with kids fighting. Maybe those teachers need some serious training in classroom management, especially recognizing bullying.
I think the award was for how awesome the poster was. And how touching her speech was. It made me cringe.
In defense of the teachers, they only have two eyes, and unless they’re creepin’ out the kids, they both look in the same direction. These kids are cunning. And in many cases, the teachers are oblivious because of the anti-squealer code and fear that exists in the classrooms, the bus, and on the playground.
As a teacher, we know who the bullies are and do what we can when we witness it, but a lot of the behavior occurs out of our range. Without the support of a strong administrator there’s only so much we can do. It’s beyond frustrating when you’ve caught a star player blatantly bullying someone and when you write it up YOU are the one called into 3 different administrators’ offices to explain the documentation. They just couldn’t understand why I was pressing the issue. The star player had to be benched for “X” time frame. I was the one in trouble, not the bully. We do what we can how we can. Also, sometimes those posters are judged by outside agencies/sponsors – not us.
Agreed. I don’t think teachers are oblivious to what happens in the classroom. Much of what happens is well outside their ability to even see it. Kids are far smarter than that. I know many teachers at his school who take any form of bullying very seriously and the principal is absolutely committed to stopping it through a zero tolerance policy. Still, it can’t just be a “He Said, They Said” type thing. The only teacher that I’m not thrilled with is the one who told him that nobody likes a tattle tale. It went against everything they were told and it had to have confused the heck out of him.
Oh I totally agree – that teacher was so out of line, they can’t even see the line!
Michael sounds awesome…and I credit Heather.
Seriously, though, bullies will always exist and the best way to handle it – as a parent – is to stay out of it, while you instill a sense of self-worth to your son…as you’ve done.
Just don’t be surprised when all your work seems to disappear into the haze of “teenage angst” in a few years.
This, too, shall pass.
This post made me tear up. My little guy is only 2.5 now, but when my husband and I have to have a similar conversation down the road I hope it will go the same as yours.
I don’t buy into the whole “Kids will be kids” as a way to avoid dealing with crappy behavior. Michael proves that kids can be decent human beings more often than not if we show them how.
So, I have read your blog for a while now. I have a 2 year old little boy and, well, quite frankly I am terrified for him in school! I had a horrible experience from 5th to 8th grade. (May I mention here that this was at a “Christian” school?) Anyway, I wish that I could have handled things the way that you boy has! I can only hope that I will be able to instill these morals into my sweet, innocent boy. You need to write a book.
Serious face.
I am glad that you guys have the option to home-school! Good luck to Michael and to you guys. I can’t promise that I would be able to have a decent sit down talk with the “bullies”
oh and by the way, bullying is bullying. What Michael is enduring is no easier than having a book thrown at your head. I went through the teasing and the book dodging. Fortunately, I can now say that I am a successful sober, mom and that 79% of the kids that picked on me are either in jail, hooked on Meth, or working at the local bar. This goes to show Christian Schools are no different, and that in the end the parenting makes the difference.
This made me cry. I was bullied from 6th grade all the way through highschool. So bad that I dropped out half way through and finished school on my own. It took me a lot of years of therapy and a really great husband to heal, and I still have anxiety moments that make me freeze up. That experience is the main reason I homeschooled my kids. I couldn’t bear to watch them go through something so painful.
It sounds like you’re doing a great job, and I’m really glad Michael was brave enough to let you post about something so sensitive. We all should aspire to be like Jesus, and it sounds like he is doing a better job than most.
I was in a class of about 100 kids and the girls were awful. They would be all “I’m adorable and my parent’s little princess” when their parents were there and then BAM! The b!tch-switch was flipped. They hiked up their skirts, pulled down their shirts, poured on the makeup, swore, smoked, and were generally horrible people to be around. This was 5th grade and they were working it like professional hookers.
Needless to say, I didn’t have many friends, as I had no interest in hooking it.
How do you keep from discreetly taking that one girl to the side and telling her that if she talks about your son one more time, you will take charge of the situation? I’d have a hard time not doing that.
And, by the way, I think for girls it starts earlier as my daughter was told she was fat in 2nd grade! SECOND GRADE!! I couldn’t believe it and trust me, it was so hard for me not to find those girls and whisper threats to them.
hysterical! Good job on raising such a great kid. Seriously.
I’m sending my son off to Kindergarten in the fall, and bullying is one of my #1 fears for him in the middle grades. He marches to the beat of his own drum, and is a silly, happy, unique kid. My husband and I had a discussion the other day about how long it would take public school to beat the individuality out of him, and that is so, so sad to think about.
I only hope we can teach my son to be as resilient and wise as Michael, because those middle school years ARE all about survival. You couldn’t pay me any amount of money to relive that. Both my husband and I experienced verbal bullying, and I wish I’d had someone to take it seriously and realize that my self-esteem was dangerously low. My mom’s response when I told her was, “Well, stay away from those kids.” Um, Mom? It’s a school with 400 kids in a rural community. We’re gonna bump into eachother from time to time. :/
I got this address from an old Carolyn Hax chat. It won’t work as a link, but cut and paste it; It’s awesome.
http://www.slate.com/id/2223976/
It’s an article by Alan E. Kazdin and Carlo Rotella. The former is a Yale prof who has a lot of research-based and intuitively practical things to say about child development.
Interesting stuff.
Jesus 2.0 still makes me chuckle just thinking about it.
our son was also bullied in the 5th grade by a girl…twice his size. we were lucky that he felt comfortable enough to talk about it with us. we told him that when it happened to please tell the teacher discretely…he did and the teacher moved their desk to put as much distance between them as possible. this did nothing! he told the teacher again and she said that she had done all she could do (this teacher was well into her 60′s). we started documenting everything this girl said and did. after I realized how relentless it was, i went to the teacher. she told me (brace yourself) that after this girl hit a substitute teacher, they called in her mother for a conference. after meeting the mother, the teacher couldn’t blame the girl for her behavior. WHAT THE HECK!!! i was livid! i gave all of my documentation to the principal and told him that if it continued my next stop would be the superintendent and then the police. in passing with another teacher i relayed what was going on…she said that she had that girl in one of her classes and that she would “fix her wagon”! my son was never bullied again…to this day i have no way of knowing exactly who put a stop to it but am thankful that it was finally handled. one good thing did come out of all this…my son became a champion for the underdog and has made so many of the right friends in the process. he starts high school in the fall and i can only hope that he continues on the same path!
It hurts my heart to hear how cruel children can be. My oldest just turned six and I’m waiting for it to begin. I want to protect my children, but if they’re anything like me, they’re going to be devestated by the cruel words and tauntings iof other children. I certainly hope I can raise them the way you’ve raised Michael in order to let these nasty words just roll right off their backs… Your son sounds wiser than even I am, because I can’t let ANYTHING go!
It made me tear up when you talked about him saying how he won’t change. My sons are still very young (one 2 month old and two 2 year olds) but I very much hope I can do as good of a job raising them to be as kind and light hearted as you’ve raised your son to be. Except for one small incident I was never bullied, I was very much the invisible one in school. The few times I was called weird I just smiled and said “I know.” Took the wind out of their sails pretty quick.:)
This post had me crying, laughing, and in the end cheering for Michael for being such a wonderful young man….which I know is due to you and your wife taking an active interest in his life. How sad so many parents are clueless as to what their children are like when they are not around. Thanks for sharing these moments with all of us.
Yeah, I’m not looking forward to any of this with my son either, as I was bullied quite a bit in school, and it sound like it’s just gotten worse. A large part of me feels like this is something we all need to learn how to deal with in life. If it’s not 6th grade, it’ll be high school. If it’s not high school, it’ll be frat guys in college. If it’s not college, it’ll be that terrible boss, or graduate school committee member or whatever. You can’t avoid bullies forever, and kids need to learn how to deal with jerks and dicks eventually – the world is just chocked full of them. At least if you’re being bullied, that generally means you’re not the dick. A little solace to be found there.
Ugh, this is why I want to keep my kids in a bubble. I pray they can have the same attitude as your son has.
My partner had a ‘friend’ that constantly mocked him at high school. He did it to make himself look big and feel better about himself, because apart from my bf and a couple of other guys this boy didn’t have any other friends. My partner hung around with this boy for a couple of months, putting up with this constant stream of criticism.
Eventually the day came when the ‘friend’ in question called for my bf at his house. The first thing he said to him when the door opened was something along the lines of, “Hello d—head, are you coming out or staying inside like a little b—?”.
In response he had the door shut in his face. And that was that.
Good on Michael for realising that he doesn’t need these kinds of people in his life.
Bottom line is PARENTS need to teach their kids that any form of bullying, either to them or by them, will not be tolerated. When I got a call from the classroom teacher of my 11 yr old daughter (now 18) telling me about how bad the girls in that class were treating each other and what should she do, I was at first speechless that she really did not know how to handle it and I believe my exact response was, “Punish them! ALL of them! No recess, no fun time, just make the treat each other better and until they can, there will be consequences.” The teacher’s response?, “But they are just little girls.” WHAT??!!! I was appalled and when my daughter came home from school she got interrogated to within an inch of her life and then she was also punished (no, we did not hit her but we did something even more evil, we made her stay home and do chores when all her “friends” were out playing). She learned the lesson rather quickly when she realized her dad and I had a ZERO tolerance policy toward bullying. Like you said, it starts with the parents. And many parents, as sad as it is, just seem not to care or are actually afraid of having their kids be mad at them. Ugh. Good luck with it and good for you and your wife for taking it seriously. Phew! That was a LONG comment, wasn’t it?!
I absolutely agree with you on this one. Even the teachers are totally clueless sometimes. I sure didn’t care if my kids were mad at me if it meant teaching them good morals. Sheesh.
You and Heather are absolutely doing the right things. Talking with your children every day about their day keeps the line of communication open and I can tell you from experience that they will come to you with anything. My children at 23 and 25 still talk to me. They never bullied each other and I know they were the underdogs for anyone that wasn’t treated right at school because I would hear about it when I got home from work. I would tell them how wonderful they were for not allowing that to happen on their watch. Yall are such good parents but I can tell you that for every one of you there are 3 not like you. Its sad that they think how they act is OK. I just don’t get it.
More power to Michael!
Reading the articles and the comments that follow, I’m more and more convinced that to “unschool” my future kids…
Very interesting testimony from a young woman in the video here:
http://homeschooling.penelopetrunk.com/2012/05/04/3-ways-school-kills-a-kids-ability-to-get-a-job/
Hi, I am a child physcologist, the only thing I can tell you to also try is the question approach instead of a teaching lesson ( Jesus did …) in this way, he will need to answer what he is doing and what he wants to achieve.
Example: While cleaning up the kitchen, ( it’s really good to not focus on the child at this time so he doesn’t receive the signal, hey they are worried so it must be REALLY important ) ask him. soooo hows the thing with Aaron going? and then just listen, DON”T talk, he will probably say, well Aaron kicked me hard when we were going after the ball, you then keep ASKING questions till he gets to a place where HE CAN see how he may be able to change things. He sounds very bright, you don’t want to make this a them against us problem. He may need to change his attitude ( being adorable at 6 on the playground is usually on the way out by 10 so he may just be blooming a little later ) And stop watching him so closely! Didn’t you ever see Andy Griffith where Opie needs to step up to a bully, what would have happened if Andy stepped in? The bully’s parents would have been told, the bully would have resented Opie and this would make a bigger problem. Sometimes kids really do need to be kids
I appreciate the insight but we’re going to continue to watch him closely. I don’t mind kids being kids but I refuse to let this “kids” behavior include hurtful insults, overt and inappropriate sex talk, and spitting in his food. That isn’t a case of kids being kids. It’s a case of kids being cruel. I won’t allow it and I won’t be that parent that turns the other cheek in the hopes all turns out okay. And I most definitely won’t sit idly by if a bully is taking it to Michael. What does that teach the bully? The program these kids attended says to take it to an authority figure. You’re proposing that we just let it happen for fear of further repercussions. With all due respect, that’s not happening on my watch. Andy Griffith is a fictional television show from the 50s and 60s. We’re in a different age and we’re steeped in a new reality.
Um…. this is exactly why I wouldn’t take my kid to see a shrink if my life depended on it. Really? My daughter was bullied in 5th grade, and still deals with it daily. The kid had her up against the wall by her throat!!!! And you know what the school did? Nothing. Not one frigging thing! We are moving, literally. Getting away from this “ghetto hood” mentality that swarms this area. Her school ranks 68 out of 73 in the state! We are moving to a school district that is ranked 5 out of the state. Some where they actually care about kids. I’m not saying for you to move, but you have to do what you have to do to PROTECT your kids. Homeschooling…. sounds like a wonderful option! It was a consideration for me as well. Only my daughter really does like school, and wants to play in sports with the school. You can’t fight your kid’s battles, but you sure as hell don’t fund them! Good job!
As a mom of a 9 year old, it truly hurts my heart to hear what the behavior is at this age group. My daughter was once bullied and called “fat” by 2 kids in the school. That night she came home talking about having to go on a diet. After much prying, we were able to get her to tell us what was wrong. Luckily, our daughter’s school has no tolerance for bullying. We talked to the principal and the teacher the next day. The offending children were pulled aside and talked to. My daughter said that they left the meeting crying and since then, we have not had another incident.
We were very lucky to have a school that actually did something about the situation. It makes me sad that this is in the minority.
Also, I really do think that if kids were raised a little more properly by some and not exposed to certain things at such a young age, kids now a days would have a little more respect.
Holy crap… Respect your elders… I really am getting old.
Hugs!
Valerie
Can I just add how awesome Michael is? Most kids would buckle under the bullying. Or they end up doing what I did and stabbing the bully in the hand with a fork. I don’t recommend that method. And in my experience, little girls are more vicious at bullying because they’re like prepubescent sharks circling a poor wounded seal.
Anyway, you and Heather are doing an awesome job, and it shows.
Greg and Heather,
I just want to say that when my girls and I came out to see you last winter, Michael was a true gentleman with my daughters. Very kind and polite to all of us! Kuddos to both of you for that!
I’m on the flip side of things right now. Due to so much up heaval in her life, my youngest has become quite aggressive with other kids and especially with her sister. Having had to move 500+ miles away from everything she’s ever known has set this off. I’m investigating counseling for her. I’ve found that she deal with advise better when coming from a third party. She used to come to me when she had problems, but since this move, she hasn’t. And I’m worried.
Fingers crossed I can get this straightened out quickly.
I too will not tolerate bullying- either towards my kids or by them. And yes, you can be absolutely sure that I have watched and listened carefully for any signs that they may be involved in bullying, whether verbal or otherwise. So far I think we’re doing ok.
We all think we’re good parents, we’re all doing our best, and we all want to shield our kids and protect them from bullies- but I found it telling that almost no commenters here seem to think their kids could BE potential bullies- it is all about what to do if their child is bullied by others. Guess what? I’m pretty sure that the parents of the bullies who are “model” children (the ones who behave so perfectly when the parents are around) think the same thing. It’s impossible to be around your kids 24/7 past a certain age, and to know every single thing they do, think, say, and feel. This is why it is SO important for other people to let the parents know what is going on!! A responsible parent will be rightly horrified to find out of their child’s bullying (or otherwise wildly inappropriate behavior) and will take steps to correct it. They will be grateful that you told them! But they can’t do that if they don’t know, if they think everything is fine, and no one ever lets them know any different!
It’s also important to note that peer pressure and mob mentality are very real things. It does NOT excuse bullying, but it can be very easy for kids to get “caught up” in wrong or inappropriate behavior (including bullying) simply from a desire to “fit in”. Again, it is something that needs to be addressed by the teachers and parents if it is to be effectively nipped in the bud.
Also, homeschooling is awesome! It’s not always an option and it’s not for everyone, but I’m a huge supporter. Look into a membership with HSLDA if you haven’t already. Great resources and info!
Brilliant! Bravo!! and it reminds me to keep on parenting OUR ten year old fifth grader the way we have been….teaching him about compassion and forgiveness…and being a decent young man. And how to be the next Jesus!
I’m a little confused – some of these boys must be 11, since 5th grade is usually the realm of 10-to-11 years and it’s getting close to the end of the school year. But yeah, I remember 5th and 6th grade as particularly horrifying. I was a bullying target too, by boys as well as girls. The only thing you can do is ignore and walk away, or if you have to, stand up for yourself (like Heather suggested) and then ignore or walk away.
The next thing Michael needs to do is find other kids to hang with – kids like him who are not into bullying, even if it’s just one friend. And man I tell you, if those were the kids in my neighborhood I would have it out with them. Not their parents, though I would start there, but with those kids directly. As you said, it won’t stop unless all adults get on board. The modern idea of never scolding another parent’s child is one I’ve never held much stock in. It takes a lot to get me involved but if I have to, I will.
I am 62. 5th grade was my kryptonite–the memories of it can still bring tears. For my disabled daughter, elementary school and middle school were one continuing nightmare, but she became inured to it. They never got to her. She killed them with her kindness. My other daughter asked me to help a bullied child. As you say, she couldn’t do anything or she would become the next target. I spoke to my daughter’s favorite teacher at middle school so she could keep an eye out. She already knew about the bully–the whole school already knew. That is the problem, as you say. Teachers know–are they powerless?
Bravo to you guys! <3 Your children are VERY lucky to have you! I was bullied in elementry school and I went to an awesome middle/high school that was small and I found my nitch. Because your son is so awesome I'm sure he'll find his too! I like the idea of you guys home schooling him!
I have the feeling that I was probably bullied at some point in school, and blocked it out. I wasn’t popular, or pretty, and I always struggled with my weight, and we already know how cruel some kids can be when you don’t look like a stick figure. But, I was also kind of a loner. The kid that would stand on the edge of the playground, alone. I’d read. I had a friend or 2 I’d hang out with sometimes, but for the most part, in school, I was on my own. Did it sometimes hurt to be the “last one picked” for things? yea. But then I’d just stuff my nose in a book. I think for me, in early school years, I was much more mature than many of the kids my age, and really just didn’t want to associate with them. My daughters are totally different from one another- my oldest, she has a fair amount of friends, and is always off & running here or there with them. Yet, she is the target of bullying for years now. She mostly let’s it go, but occasionally gets pissed off about it. I have spoken to the school before, and they act like they take it seriously, but then I never see any results. I cannot WAIT until my girls are out of high school. The other daughter, she never goes anywhere, doesn’t have friends come over, doesn’t call anyone.. I worry that she has no friends. She seems fine, but I hope that she’s really ok. Anytime we talk about it, she shrugs it off.. just happy to be around me & her dad, reading, on the computer, whatever. I know bullying happens at school, but whenever we approach her, she denies anyone is being mean or hurtful. *sigh* The worrying never ends.
Our son’s story to the last word. Sadly, I’m the one who needs to learn to forgive as I have a few parents in my sight who have a lot to answer for!!!
Update – he is now an adult and very happily married to a young woman who loves him with all her heart and they have a wonderful group of friends who accept them both for who they are. Michael will triumph.
I was bullied emotionally and mentally in high school, I have a couple of posts on it. It sounds like he is strong and resilient and you have reason to be proud.
For myself I never forgave my bullies, which was basically one entire high school class of about 200. I did live through what they did to me but I did not forgive it and never will.
AHH “it would offend every woman in the world” made me crack up, what a gem of a kid!
As a former junior high school principal, I can tell you that bullying is one of the most frustrating things I ever dealt with. I hated bullying. I tried very hard to investigate every instance and to handle it appropriately. The very nature of bullying is to be sneaky and deceitful. The instances where the bullying is overt and open and conducted in front of adults is worriesome because it is indicative of a truly mean person. Most bullies are sneaky because they KNOW, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that their actions are wrong. Part of the thrill of bullying is in getting away with it. It’s definitely a power trip for the vast majority of the kids who are bullies but there is also an general buzz from getting away with being cruel. I call it a sadistic streak.
When I was a teacher and later, when I was a principal, I discovered early on that many parents will not believe that their child has been bullying anyone. The child presents as a sweet, loving, kind child. You know, the kind who draws the best anti-bullying poster and gives the awesome speech about how we should treat everyone with respect. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve had a parent get mad at me and tell me that I was falsely accusing their child. I’ve been threatened with lawsuits for defamation. I’ve been threatened with board proceedings. I’ve been threatened with physical violence (hello, apple, meet the tree). I’ve been told by my superiors to “back off” of a particular child because there was “not enough evidence to support the claim” (the parents were prominent members of the community).
Investigating the claims of bullying in the school can be very difficult. Some students adhere strictly to the rule that “snitches get stitches”. Yes, I’ve been told by students that they won’t say anything to me because they were reminded of that saying. Some students are fiercely loyal to their friends and believe that child being bullied “deserved” it because of some slight or some incident. They will ardently defend the bully because “the other kid started it when he….” It can literally take hours and hours of interviewing students.
Most bullying instances are one student’s word against another. It’s very difficult to sort out whether there is truly bullying happening or whether the two students are equally guilty of being jerks to each other. Without a witness to back up the story of the child whose been bullied, there’s very little that can be done. If your child was accused of bullying another child and consistently and ardently denied the accusation, would you support him/her?
Teachers can’t see everything that happens in a room. Teachers can respond appropriately when a student brings something to his/her attention. My own kids have been victims of some rather mild bullying and have been told, “Quit being a tattle-tale and go play.”
Let’s not forget that teachers and administrators can be bullies as well. I’ve seen it first hand. With teacher tenure and teacher unions, it’s almost impossible to prove the bullying took place and to get anything done about it. The incident gets reported to the principal. The principal investigates it and finds some students who agree with the story told. The principal has to interview the accused teacher who tells a different story. The results are typed up in a report, it is taken to the Human Resources department or wherever with a recommendation. The teacher has the right to appeal or to write his/her own rebuttal. The teacher brings in a union representative or a lawyer and the whole process begins to fall apart at that point. The most the principal can do is move the child from that teacher to a different one. (If that option is available.) The child’s parents are frustrated because they keep calling the principal and he keeps saying, “Because this is a personnel matter, I can only tell you that it is being investigated and handled according to school board policy and law.” What I really want to tell you is, “I believe you and your child. I hate that teacher because I believe he/she is mean. Like most bullies, he/she is very sneaky about it and they’ve mastered the art of subtle bullying. I really want to fire him/her but I can’t. It’s out of my hands. It’s now being sorted out by union reps and lawyers and upper-level administration.”
Sorry for the long comment. This is such a frustrating topic and I simply intended to let you and your readers know that most principals that I know do the right thing when the bullying is reported. What you don’t know and what we often can’t tell you is that our hands are tied and we are really ticked off and sick and tired of dealing with this issue. We are desperately seeking the solution to end bullying but we don’t really believe it lies in nice posters and pretty speeches. It begins at home and if it’s not ingrained in your child from birth on that treating others with respect and dignity is the gold standard, then your child may bully someone some day.
Finally, we really wish there was more of a focus on helping the victim of bullying. Everyone gets up in arms about “the problem” but we need resources to help the victims.
This is a topic that scares me to death for my girls.
my Kindergartener already got a taste of this at the beginning of the year when a boy kicked her. She shoved him back away from her and they BOTH got in trouble. She was heartbroken that she was punished too. We had a long talk at home how she had better never ever start a fight, but if she defends herself she will never get into trouble with us, no matter what the school says.
I’m so glad that you are going to homeschool Michael! I was a homeschooled kid and skipped all the middle-school nightmare stuff. Best thing that my parents could have done for me (even though that wasn’t the driving reason for it)
we have a school sponsored program called “Bully Busters” that was implemented by a very dear woman with great intentions. Unfortunately, most of the kids IN the program were the bullies and had no qualms about abusing their power as “the good kids” to bad ends. Both my kids barely survived Jr. high and all the bullying, but have turned out to be great teens with a zero tolerance for any type of bullying behavior. Neither of them are tattletales, but the kids seem to know they won’t play along and to that end, they aren’t the most popular kids, but I have never had a bad report and am always complimented on their great behavior. If you think homeschooling is the best answer, GO FOR IT! only you know what is best for your children, good luck!
OMG – there is NOTHING meaner than 5th grade girls – my son too went through this hell. Luckily the ringleader, top B*tch moved away, and life moved on but I always wonder about the detrimental affect that it’s had on my now 10th grader. I should let you know that while my friends kids were more “popular” and social acceptable, they also have have some pretty rough patches with drugs, getting kicked out of schools, etc. My son, while he struggles with math and is not always a motivated student, got straight A’s last semester. We’ve been able to talk opening about drugs and the problems my friends kids have had.
“I meant to imply that he’s not bullied the way some kids are bullied. He’s not hit, threatened, or verbally abused. He’s teased, and not by everyone. I’d more call it “Bullying Lite…98% Fat Free”.”
Just so you know, “teasing” is verbal bullying. It’s just a different word for it. Even a low amount of bullying over a length of time can have bad consequences.
Same thing happened to me at ten, I still get weird looks and stuff from the girls who did it back then. I ended up playing soccer with the lads, best school year of my life!