SUBSCRIBE VIA RSSRecognizing that I’m a lost cause when it comes to running 5K’s, my wife has shifted her focus to our 4-year old daughter.
Her dream of having a family that bonds together through running died on the day we got married, because unless there’s a basketball in front of me or something with fangs behind me, I just can’t find the motivation.
Regardless of the health benefits, I find it extraordinarily boring and equally pointless to run around in circles until you’ve rendered yourself immobile with lung cramps.
It’s not that I haven’t tried to get into the spirit of it all. When Heather and I were first together, I thought I could further galvanize our relationship by joining her for a few laps around the block. I had witnessed other couples doing this together, being all romantic as they ran side by side, and I thought it’d be nice to do that with her and then return home for a sezzy-time shower to cool off.
Instead, it almost killed our relationship.
The problem with using sex as a motivator to run is that the desire to snuggle vanishes when you feel like your chest cavity is on the brink of implosion. The last thing I wanted following my collapse was more exertion and I could barely even muster the strength to wave her off.
Our run started out great. We ran alongside each other, shared some light conversation, and I was able to keep pace. But as our run progressed, I saw Heather’s ugly side. By the time we turned off our driveway and onto the sidewalk, she became a tyrant in Reeboks. Doting and caring just minutes earlier, this beautiful girlfriend of mine had suddenly transformed into a berating drill sergeant hellbent on running me until I was wheezing like an asthmatic in a cigar bar.
It wasn’t long before she was several hundred feet ahead of me. She stopped, turned, and briskly jogged in place while telling my “sorry ass” to “catch up.” I’m not sure if many of you know this, but it’s really hard to run fast when you have to clutch your sides to keep your innards where they belong. She either didn’t know this or simply didn’t care because she commanded me to “run through the pain.” Which I did, deviating only occasionally to make sure I wasn’t being trailed by my intestines.
At one point in our run, one of my legs just stopped working. I’m not sure if it went on strike or if it had simply exceeded its exercise threshold, but it went limp. While my right leg still had that galloping spring, my left was forced to drag a foot behind it. What this left me with was an awkwardly bouncy Igor-like runner’s gait to go along with my side-clutching survival technique.
Spectators of our failed attempt at bonding wouldn’t have seen a loving couple running together on a beautiful spring day. What they would have seen was a spastic grunting freak shuffle-chasing a lovely young woman who was cursing as she ran away from him.
Had the recent apocalyptic Miami zombie experience been fresh on people’s minds back then, I’m certain I would have been shot based on how it must have looked. Quite honestly, I could have used the rest. At least until Heather leaned over my seized body demanding that I get up and run my “sorry ass” to the gurney.
In the interest of preserving our relationship, that was our first and last run together. She did coerce me into doing a 5K Run/Walk 12+ years later, but our marriage was strong enough by then to handle the strain. As I explained it, the “Run/Walk” portion meant that one person had to run and one person had to walk. I volunteered to do the latter and then watched Mickey Blue Eyes on my Blackberry as I slowly meandered my way through the course.
When I was lapped by a pregnant woman and then passed by two mothers pushing strollers tethered to dogs, I knew I was keeping the proper pace. We had paid $25 a piece to be in this thing and I saw no point in getting it over with as soon as possible. I wanted to get my money’s worth.
By the time I crossed the finish line, I had already been long penciled in as the last place finisher out of more than 400 entrants. The only people behind me were the police officers in charge of picking up checkpoint pylons. I rushed to Heather with open arms as though I had just finished pulling my own sled in the Iditarod but she shunned me. Say what you will, but I was the only participant in that 5K who wasn’t dripping in sweat.
Fast forward to last weekend and I was asked to attend Paige’s 5K Butterfly Run in Syracuse, New York to help raise money for pediatric cancer research. Because we had to leave the house at 6am, and because I’m lucky to even know my own name at 6am, I made it quite clear that I wasn’t going to run, jog, or even walk. I would be there purely in the interest of financial and moral support.
It would have been even better had they started this at a decent hour for us night owls.
Over the past several months, Heather has been helping with the local “Girls on the Run” chapter, which is an organization devoted to building self-confidence, self-esteem, a positive self image, and a healthy lifestyle in girls in Grades 3-5. Twice a week she would be there helping to coach and cheer on the participants with fun games, lesson plans, and spirit sprinkles.
The region-wide Girls on the Run participants. Oh, and Kamryn.
The program was partly designed to train these girls for the upcoming 5K race at Paige’s Butterfly Run. Kamryn had been attending each of the GOTR sessions and was excited to join the 1500-person strong event. Mainly because at her age she just doesn’t know any better.
As I explained to Heather, I don’t need to actually RUN to support the cause. Whether I write a check and blitz across the finish line in first place or write a check and then set up a lawn chair next to a Hibachi grill, it’s of little concern to the organizers. Besides, I can always live vicariously through my children and keep my lungs as I like them. Relatively deflated.
I’ll admit, I wasn’t expecting her to finish the race considering she just turned 4 years old. Even more so because she’s my child. My lazy genes have to be in there somewhere. Fortunately, it seems apparent that my wife’s genes clubbed mine into submission because she did it. In fact, she crossed the finish line in just under 41 minutes. 40:54 to be exact.
No longer Kamryn, she's now known as Runner 1199.
Psyching up the team with high fives!
Some pre-race dancing with her running buddy, Big Bro.
And they're off! Kamryn is somewhere in the thick of it.
Finished!
Kamryn proudly displays the medal she has yet to let go of.
Even though she came in 1,398th place out of 1,531 entries, she proudly tells everyone she sees that she “winned” the race. I know it’s poetic and acceptable smarminess to say she’s a winner because she tried, but she really did win the race. At least for her age group. As the youngest entrant by three years, I think her time is quite an achievement. Especially considering she would have smoked me had I not been busy guarding the finish line.
In the end, all of the Girls on the Run participants finished the race, just as they had set out to do together. As each crossed the finish line, those already there were cheering loudly and embracing the incoming GOTR runners. Cheers that got louder and hugs that got more plentiful as the last few girls approached.
The entire scene and the camaraderie they exhibited was quite motivating. Not nearly motivating enough to inspire me to run anywhere, but I could see the gradual change in these girls as they went through the program. And I think the fact that they conquered their own metaphorical version of Mt. Everest will give them lasting and rewarding memories.
At least in Kamryn’s case, she can’t wait for the next 5K. And, to be honest, neither can I. There’s a few movies I wouldn’t mind catching up on.
Taking a well-deserved 5K nap.
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{ 37 comments… read them below or add one }
This is priceless! You really have a gift for writing humor.
And YOU have a gift for writing awesome comments.
awww lol that last picture! i used to run, and loved it, but i ran alone, no drill sargeanting anyone into ruining my stride
i ran with the track team in highschool, but after that, no takers… my husband pretty much feels the same as you do about it, i tell him that it raises you out of depression and low IQ and doesn’t that sound good? not to be so sad and stupid? but he just glares at me, i have no idea what his problem is 
Elaine-´s last post…And the Church bells softly chime..
Running raises you out of depression? I can tell you from firsthand experience that it has exactly the opposite effect on me.
I must concure with Elaine. Having been diagnosed with depression, it is the only thing that lifts me out of my fog without medication. I hate it. I really do. But I wouldn’t trade the way I feel after for anything in this world. I explained that to my significant other and he has warily come out with me a few times. “It’s not so bad,” he says…..
Audra´s last post…Sit down with the bullshit
Great writing! This might just be my favorite. You had me laughing out loud at the beginning and tearing up at the end. I’m trying my hardest to run, but the tv and computer keep calling my name. (They are very loud, much louder than that “let’s go for a run” voice in my head.)
There are lots of ways to exercise that don’t include running aimlessly through town. I play basketball three days a week and probably run more than a 5K in the process, but it’s kind of like tricking my brain because I’m doing something that’s actually fun. Hearing my brain jiggle every time my foot slams on pavement just isn’t enjoyable.
Greg’s right, I do the Susan Kolman Breast Cancer 5K once a year and I can’t walk for days afterwards. I tried running and its the most boring thing besides walking I’ve ever done. The trick is to find something you really enjoy and its not work but fun. I discovered Zumba last September and I could do it 7 days a week. The first class I was like “REALLY??? I think I’m gonna be sick”. I told my sister over and over how much I hated her during the class. But now, pssf, its the most fun thing I.
I wish they had a girls on the run program affiliated with my daughter’s school. I want her to have that joy without me having to participate. It’s HOT in Texas, y’all. People who run in the spring/summer/fall here are obviously insane.
We used to live in Texas and I refused to even walk in the summertime. There’s about a 2-week span where I can somewhat tolerate it, but you’re right, people who run are insane.
It’s a dry heat and I LOVED running in TX Hill Country!!!! Just look online (GOTR) to see if they have a chapter nearby. It is really easy to get one started! Every school should have this program!!!
Your 4 year old would have smoked me! I am giving her a virtual high-five right now.
I don’t like to run, either. I managed to give myself shinsplints in a walking for fitness class, for crying out loud. I stick with low impact activities; the elliptical is definitely my friend.
If you want low impact, try my method…the couch cushions provide tremendous support.
I’m with you Greg…..running around in circles is ridiculous. I’d rather do something fun for exercise…like walking slowly to the nearest ice cream stand.
Clearly you and I should write a diet book.
When I was about to turn 30, I decided that I needed to shake things up in my life and let my friend talk me into doing an Olympic distance triathlon with her for charity (1 mile swim, 25 mile bike ride, 6.2 run).
Did I mention that I didn’t know how to swim and had a fear of open water?
Oh, I did? Good then! Because when you are “practicing” in a lake with coaches and start freaking out and threatening their life, your other team members will give you the stink eye right before telling you that you can touch the ground and to “just stand up”.
Did I Also mention that I don’t run?
Ok, good… Because when you are doing the race, and you all of a sudden have to “drop the kids off at the pool” because no one ever told you that eating 3 small bags of energy gels will NOT give you the energy to run 6 miles, but will, in fact, make you contemplate abusing people’s yards, it will make you cry.
Also, I was a winner much like your daughter. But more sweaty and angry.
I threw up in my mouth too…
Anyway… It was an amazing experience that I will never ever EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER repeat!
Hugs!
Valerie
Valerie´s last post…I met The Bloggess and am Pregnant with our lovechild
LMBO, girlfriend you get a high five just for trying. I learned to scuba dive before I learned to swim and doing our check out dive at the bottom of the lake was somewhat terrifying but I passed and went on to scuba dive at some amazing places but I understand the fear though. Way to go!!!
Greg, I’ve been sadly lacking in the comment department. Problem is, I haven’t been able to keep up on the reading daily- work’s been busy! Busy is good.. but definitely leaves me too tired to think.. or read. First- belated birthday wishes to Mrs. Telling Dad! 2nd, I will print out a take along Greg, and show you WV, and whatever else I can muster. No plans for the summer at this time.. but ya never know. I’m not one to make grand plans. I just kinda go with it, when I can.
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Oh, and if I even *think* of running, I start to sweat, and lose my breath, and feel as though a heart attack is around the corner. I’m with you on.. the couch is good place to start.
She’s so stinkin’ cute!
My husband won’t run with me for those very exact reasons. I’m a pusher and I like getting pushed, but unbeknownst to me, my husband does not. He did not take a liking to statements similar to: you can do it, push through it, catch your second wind, keep up, I’ll just meet you back at the house. That was 8 years ago and I have been a solo runner ever since.
I wish I could say much more than “awwww,” but I can’t really think of anything else of use. As a runner, I am impressed by your daughter.
SO cute – and, I agree. For me running is all about the goal. And unless the goal involves doughnuts or ice cream, I’m fairly unlikely to be a Girl on the Run. (Fangs behind works, too! Or zombies…tho everyone knows they stagger, so can be easily outrun. Especially if zombies-behind is paired with doughnuts-ahead….)
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I’ve never been into running.
The younger, slimmer, fitter version of myself used to swim competitively, which is completely different than running.
That’s awesome that Kamryn and the rest of the GOTR finished, way to go!
Not only did Kamryn finish the race, she ran in a skirt! Way to go Kamryn!
Greg-I’ll be taking you to Milwaukee, WI in a few weeks! Not sure what we’ll see after I’m done working each day, but I’m sure we’ll find something fun!
I laughed so hard I cried reading this post. I did a 1 mile “fun run” for my niece’s school last Fall and my 70 year old Mother, who is NOT a runner in any way, shape or form beat me. When I see those 13.1 or 26.2 stickers on cars I think you are a prick. I don’t get running just to run. I would be right beside you with cramps, Asthma attack, zombie leg and all.
My dad ran when I was in Jr and Sr High. My experience running with him was much like yours. His long legs were no match for me (He’s 6’4″ me not so much) In my 30′s I did find I enjoyed “running”, my husband said it was just fast walking, but it made me feel better. Alas my knee has given out and running is forbidden.
Now I miss it! crazy I know.
Love the pics and your daughter is adorable!
Awww! so lovely!
I work at a charity at the moment and have to agree, running for the sake of running has never been a good motivator for me. In fact, I don’t event like running when I DO have a ball to chase. I prefer to walk – and walk I do! In fact, I can walk faster than a marathon participant once they hit 13 miles.
A few years back I decided it would be ‘fun’ to start running. I was always so envious of those runners I’d drive by, they looked so darned happy! So, I gave it a whirl. This lasted only a few months and somehow I got a terrible neck injury out of it. Yes, a neck injury from running. How did this happen, you ask? I have no idea, the doctors were baffled ‘I’ve never seen this before!’, and it took 7 months of physical therapy, massages and chiropractor visits to fix it. Then, I read this post and guess what? I’m envious, and want to start running again! (What is wrong with me?)
My girls came with me to run the other weekend. My 4 year old got SO bored SO quickly, but managed to do about a half mile. My 6 year old kept up with me for a full mile before she got bored. I was inCREDibly impressed! Goooo Kamryn!!
Audra´s last post…Sit down with the bullshit
LOL, as always WHAT A GREAT and funny post. If it makes you feel any better, about 4 years ago my sister (her husband is a marathoner freak) and I were hitting every 5k the city offered (because my BIL was paying my entry fee, hehe) my sister and I actually came in last at one of those 5ks because my Meniere’s kicked into overdrive about 3/4 of the way through and I had to sit down until the dizziness subsided. You’re right there were just the police left asking me if I was OK and my BIL was getting worried about what happened to us. He has never let us live that one down.
Dang, I meant to mention, THANK YOU for my beautiful post card. At the end of my long day at work, it made my day.
I’m so impressed that your 4 yr old did a 5k. Congrats to your little cutie! I did a 10k once and wanted TO DIE. That was years ago, I’m not that crazy any more. Even then, when I ran (and now still… If I ever try) I sound like an asmatic freight train. It’s not pretty.
Jes @ Becoming Less of Jes´s last post…Because clearly, I have too much time on my hands. But also because when I say, "You’re on my list," this is the list I mean.
Hooray for Kamryn! She deserves to walk around showing everyone her medal for when she “won” the race!
My daughter did Girls on the Run last year. We were both so excited. I used to run, for fun, when I was younger. As I got older the lazy set in and I never was motivated to slap on sneakers and hit the pavement. But when Mikayla joined GOTR I was ready to go. Sadly, my body completely disagreed and made sure to get shin splints in both legs. So I had to sit on the sidelines and watch her run. I’m gonna have to get out and start walking though, in order to get in shape for my whirlwind trip to the British Isles. Do you think paper Greg would be ok with wearing a kilt while in Scotland?
loved the story about your first run with heather! it made me think of last summer and my first “round of golf” at the pitch & putt, now dubbed the “bitch & nutt” with my boyfriend (who is a 2 handicap.) it did not go well, erik nearly learned a new and interesting way of carrying his clubs…
this is why i am now taking lessons from a pro.
Another sweet story full of love and laughs. Thanks again for making us all smile!
GOTR is fabulous. My daughter did it years ago. Plus I am lucky to know the founder, Molly Wilmer Barker. If you area doesn’t have a GOTR, contact them.