Death Star Amputee Seeks Asylum Via Farm and Mule

I can absolutely 100% guarantee that I’ll be #1 on every search engine for the above search term.

Mainly because most of those aboard the Death Star were blown up by the Rebel Forces.

Twice.

But also because there aren’t many places in the world where one can own a piece of cinematic history by trading away some land and some ass.

Confused? I suppose I should give you some backdrop.

Here, in the granola-crunchin’ region of Ithaca, New York, stands a defector from the evil Empire. Strong and defiant, this Vadar veteran stares down passers-by from the front window of a second-hand shop in the Commons.

But, just as VadarBucks are now worthless following the collapse of the Empire, so is your cash. For you can’t buy him. You can own him, but not for dollars. He can only be acquired in trade.

The price? A farm and a mule.

I was so bummed when I sifted through my wallet and couldn’t find a farm deed. Farms are expensive and way outside my wife’s comfort zone. But a mule? That I could buy on the cheap. In fact, checking Craigslist just now, I could score this mule for only $300.

Even with him being battle-hardened after years of inter-galactic warfare, I have no idea what I’d do with a one-handed Stormtrooper. I certainly couldn’t rely on him to defend our home. I mean, if you saw any of the Star Wars movies, you know that Stormtroopers were typecast as buffoons who were woefully under-trained in the art of laser warfare. Add a bulky helmet with tinted eye slits and it’s clear that the fall of the evil Empire lies entirely with them.

Already inaccurate with a laser pistol, even when he had the use of *both* hands, there’s an inherent safety risk to letting an elderly ex-Stormtrooper guard the grounds.

Still, I want this thing. I just have to see if the seller will accept a portioned parcel of our property in exchange.

Reading the price tag, I noticed that the Stormtrooper is also available on loan if being used to promote a more socially responsible and sustainable world. While world peace and social responsibility aren’t usually the first things that come to mind when you think of a Stormtrooper, I think the goal here is intimidation.

It’s a strange phenomenon, but people tend to pay more attention when the alternative is an errant laser shot to the buttocks. Especially when there’s no guarantee you’d even be the intended target.

For those of you Star Wars fanatics who are looking to part with a farm and a mule, consider this my good deed for the day. And, if by some chance I’m responsible for facilitating the deal, all I ask in return is that I’m allowed to borrow him for the weekend.

I’d rather not disclose all of my plans, but suffice it to say, squirrel eradication just got real.