The surgeon performing my hernia operation next week handed me some sort of coupon today that’s valid for six Vicodin pills.
Fully aware of the “wink wink” blogger/manufacturer relationship game, I can only assume that one of the pills is for me to review and the rest are to be used as giveaways to help foster brand loyalty.
Having never done a giveaway or written a product review on this blog before, I had to visit a few giveaway sites as reference. From what I can gather, the typical freebie format seems to be:
1. Write an opening statement that includes a personal product-related anecdote
2. Describe the product in as flowery a manner as possible
3. Provide a number of hoops that people can jump through to gain entries
4. Pacify hard-up governmental officials with an obligatory disclaimer
1. Personal Vicodin-Related Anecdote
The word “Vicodin” can be traced back to Ancient Greece where it was believed that Vico, the God of Amnesic Sleep, would feast on mystical herbs and potions for din-din.
Primarily used to suppress heavy pain, Vicodin is a tablet containing a combination of acetaminophen and hydrocodone. Independently, these substances serve no purpose. But when combined, they inspire YouTube videos and more forged documents than the congressional literary masterpiece, “Operation Smack Attack: Why Iraq is Wack.”
The first and last time I ever took Vicodin was after a snippage procedure in my nether regions. I remember taking a pill and giggling as a warm and fuzzy sensation began to blanket the pain. It was then that I realized both the benefit and the danger of this miraculous little white pill. Along with Vicodin comes a great responsibility. Knowing I wasn’t the best man for the job, I put the leftovers up for adoption on Craigslist to make sure they went to a good home.
And now, YOU can be that good home as I’ll be selecting five lucky winners for this giveaway!
2. Describe Vicodin in a Flowery Manner
It’s Vicodin. Millions of misdemeanors and felonies can’t be wrong.
3. Entry Hoops
Mandatory entry: Leave a comment below explaining why you deserve to score some Vicodin.
For additional entries, you can do any of the following:
1. Follow @tellingdad on Twitter.
2. Tweet out the following: “Win free Vicodin from @tellingdad! Valued at over 3-6 mandatory! http://bit.ly/qjkG7C”
3. Defend me in the comments section from people who can’t take a joke.
4. Pledge $5 in bail money for my impending “Intent to Distribute” hearing.
5. Pat your head and rub your tummy at the same time while singing “Oklahoma.”
6. Say the following three times fast: “She sells sea shells down by the sea shore stuffed with Vicodin.”
7. Besiege Twitter with contest entries. If people aren’t unfollowing you, you’re not doing it right.
8. Answer the following correctly: “If Frank has 46 Vicodin pills and Henry steals 9 of them, how many years will Frank serve for maiming Henry?”
4. Giveaway Disclaimers
Due to an apparent governmental frowning on the distribution of prescription drugs through the mail, the exchange must take place at the corner of West and Main behind the alley. Look natural.
FTC Disclaimer: In the interest of full disclosure, these pills were given to me for the apparent benefit of this giveaway. I cannot assume otherwise for I was not explicitly told, “Dude, don’t give these away.” I was not paid for this post but I was compensated in the form of a future Pink Floyd-ish experience while laying on the couch with my filleted abdomen.
DEA Disclaimer: If sharing pills amongst friends is wrong, I don’t wanna be right. Nor do I want to be in prison. So please alert your superior that this is all written in jest. I should tell you now that if I’m ever brought in for questioning, there’s no one I can turn in for leniency. The only dealer I’ve ever scored dope from is Walgreen’s.
USPS Disclaimer: Hypothetically speaking, and entirely based on a completely fabricated level of feigned interest, what is the postage requirement of a single Vicodin pill? Furthermore, is “happy vitamin” an acceptable description of contents?
Vicodin Disclaimer: It’s important for you to know the warning signs of a possible Vicodin overdose. Symptoms include loss of appetite, nausea, vomiting, stomach pain, sweating, and confusion or weakness. Please note that these symptoms can also mark the sign of a first date.
Left untreated, later symptoms may include pain in your upper stomach, dark urine, and the yellowing of your skin or the whites of your eyes. If you experience these symptoms, you’re either having an adverse reaction to the Vicodin or you are morphing into a Zombie. If the former, dial 911. If the latter, stand near the relative with the tastiest brain and wait.
Big thanks to my surgeon for providing the Vicodin prescription that made this giveaway possible. Contest ends upon my arraignment. Due to legal restrictions, this prize can only be awarded to those who have the same name as me. Or a passable fake I.D.
Please note: I reserve the right to rescind this giveaway should the fact that I’m being sliced on both sides of my abdomen, stuffed with mesh, and then sutured with metal staples cause anything even remotely recognizable as pain.
UPDATE: Sorry about some of your comments being late to the party. WordPress flagged most of the comments for spam. Must be the subject matter. I’m probably really screwing up Askimet by approving all these.