When I first saw the commercial for a product called Max Tall, I thought I had stumbled upon a Saturday Night Live skit spoofing goofy products that no one would buy unless his or her Reason & Logic neurons had been beaten into submission by rival neurons from the Impulsive neighborhood of the brain.
As all late night pitches do, whether slinging weight loss pills or wireless closet lights, Max Tall inserts promise to change your life forever. In this case, your life just won’t be complete until you instantly add two full inches of height.
Normally, I’m not one for linking to other products or anything, but I must say that the entertainment value of the Max Tall video you’ll see on their landing page is well worth the visit.
Just watch as the short guy in the conference room is ignored by the important business client because of his miniature status.
Don’t fret about Bob’s fate though. The additional two inches he eventually gains through the Max Tall shoe inserts not only brings full color to the boardroom, but the important client is now all over him. They cut away before the client starts dry humping Bob’s leg, but you can see how thrilled he is with Bob’s new height.
As the Max Tall commercial touts, being tall has been proven to lead to more attention and more success. I always thought it was our bumbling government and dried up economy that was keeping our job market down. When in fact it’s because the American workforce is just too dang short. If Obama really wants to stimulate this country, he needs to furnish us all with a set of Max Talls. We’ll see more jobs, more dates, and we’ll all be too busy working and scoring with hot chicks to complain.
What the commercial fails to address is how you’re supposed to react to the surprise of friends, family, and co-workers when you suddenly hit a puberty spurt and start banging your forehead into door jambs and knocking lights around like pinatas.
I suppose you could thwart any potentially embarrassing suspicion by pre-emptively asking them if they’ve started to shrink. Believe me, hearing this they’ll be fast to change the subject. Unless, of course, their now-fragile ego motivates them to also score a set of Max Talls. Then you’ll be right back where you started…the short guy. So you’ll need to buy a pair of Ultra Max Talls, then a set of Ultra Shaq Max Talls. And so on and so on the cycle will go until we’re a nation walking on stilts.
The commercial goes on to point out that short people are doomed to die lonely virgins. Women just aren’t interested in shorties. Take, for example, the scene with Mike and Cindy. I’ve pasted the screenshots and voice-over below in case you have yet to see the video:
See that!? Before Max Tall, Mike was just another john in the park seeking a quickie. But now? Cindy’s gonna give him first dibs.
For those who want to be absolutely swarming with women, they also offer a Deluxe version that can jack up your sad short self yet another inch, thereby providing THREE solid inches of raw babe magnetism.
Don’t believe it can work? Try this experiment and test the theory before you buy:
The next time you’re out in public, approach a sexy woman and ask her for her phone number. Didn’t get too far, did you?
Immediately try the same approach again, but this time, stand on your tippy toes. Be sure to have a pen handy, Casanova.
What I don’t understand is how we’re supposed to continually pull off this ruse while gaming the babes. At some point in the relationship (and probably the very first night considering the irresistible height), she’s going to want you sexually. If she’s turned off by the fact that you insist on wearing shoes during sex, where’s the benefit? Suddenly, you’re not the tall sexy man she met in the park anymore. You’re just some creep wearing nothing but bloated sneakers.
I suppose what’s fair is fair considering women have been getting away with these kinds of seductive charades for decades. Max Tall simply gender equalizes the disappointment that countless men have experienced after unstrapping what is ultimately discovered to be a Miracle Bra. An event that triggers the sexually depleting phenomenon known as the Cantaloupes-to-Lemons effect.
Eventually, you’re going to have to come clean. You can’t wear shoes forever. At some point in your life you’re going to be asked by lifeguards to swim without your shoes on. You’ll be asked to shower or bathe without your dress shoes. And you’ll be asked to please stop coming to bed wearing man-heels.
When the inevitable day comes that you must remove your shoes, you’re going to need to explain away the sudden drop in height. At which time you can refer to Max Tall’s handy companion guide which lists any number of bone and muscle diseases you can reference. Someone would have to sink pretty low to poke fun at you now.
Personally, I like the concept. Being 6’7″, I know the advantages of being tall all too well. But I also know that the benefits come with an equal number of countering disadvantages.
Just think of the adjustment period you’ll experience as you get acquainted with your new frame. You think it’s easy to walk around like this? I had my whole life to gradually get used to my height, and here you’re going to sprout up overnight. Are you confident that you’ll be able to properly maneuver your new body without crushing people in the process? Being tall is no joke. Nor is it easy. That’s why God made so few of us.
Finally, ask yourself what do you want to do for a career. What’s your dream job? Not sure? You better figure it out. Because once you slip in a set of Max Tall inserts, you can pretty much write your own ticket. Success comes easy so long as you’re over 5’9″. Leave the unemployment lines to the short stacks.
If your curiosity about Max Tall hasn’t been piqued already, head on over and watch the video commercial. Trust me, it’s worth it. I almost bought a pair of these babies so I could do a video review, but I fear it would only encourage the company to come out with more products. I already think they crossed the line with artificially engineered tall people.
Quite frankly, I don’t need the competition.