Max Tall Inserts

by Telling Dad on July 21, 2011

When I first saw the commercial for a product called Max Tall, I thought I had stumbled upon a Saturday Night Live skit spoofing goofy products that no one would buy unless his or her Reason & Logic neurons had been beaten into submission by rival neurons from the Impulsive neighborhood of the brain.

As all late night pitches do, whether slinging weight loss pills or wireless closet lights, Max Tall inserts promise to change your life forever. In this case, your life just won’t be complete until you instantly add two full inches of height.

Normally, I’m not one for linking to other products or anything, but I must say that the entertainment value of the Max Tall video you’ll see on their landing page is well worth the visit.

Just watch as the short guy in the conference room is ignored by the important business client because of his miniature status.

"Oh, sorry Bob. I didn't see you behind the stapler."

Don’t fret about Bob’s fate though. The additional two inches he eventually gains through the Max Tall shoe inserts not only brings full color to the boardroom, but the important client is now all over him. They cut away before the client starts dry humping Bob’s leg, but you can see how thrilled he is with Bob’s new height.

As the Max Tall commercial touts, being tall has been proven to lead to more attention and more success. I always thought it was our bumbling government and dried up economy that was keeping our job market down. When in fact it’s because the American workforce is just too dang short. If Obama really wants to stimulate this country, he needs to furnish us all with a set of Max Talls. We’ll see more jobs, more dates, and we’ll all be too busy working and scoring with hot chicks to complain.

Are my eyes playing tricks on me or will Max Tall add muscle tone and girth as well?

What the commercial fails to address is how you’re supposed to react to the surprise of friends, family, and co-workers when you suddenly hit a puberty spurt and start banging your forehead into door jambs and knocking lights around like pinatas.

I suppose you could thwart any potentially embarrassing suspicion by pre-emptively asking them if they’ve started to shrink. Believe me, hearing this they’ll be fast to change the subject. Unless, of course, their now-fragile ego motivates them to also score a set of Max Talls. Then you’ll be right back where you started…the short guy. So you’ll need to buy a pair of Ultra Max Talls, then a set of Ultra Shaq Max Talls. And so on and so on the cycle will go until we’re a nation walking on stilts.

The commercial goes on to point out that short people are doomed to die lonely virgins. Women just aren’t interested in shorties. Take, for example, the scene with Mike and Cindy. I’ve pasted the screenshots and voice-over below in case you have yet to see the video:

"Poor Mike is 5'9". And Cindy isn't paying attention to him at all. But with Max Tall in his shoes, Mike is almost SIX FEET TALL! And Cindy likes what she sees."

See that!? Before Max Tall, Mike was just another john in the park seeking a quickie. But now? Cindy’s gonna give him first dibs.

For those who want to be absolutely swarming with women, they also offer a Deluxe version that can jack up your sad short self yet another inch, thereby providing THREE solid inches of raw babe magnetism.

Don’t believe it can work? Try this experiment and test the theory before you buy:

The next time you’re out in public, approach a sexy woman and ask her for her phone number. Didn’t get too far, did you?

Immediately try the same approach again, but this time, stand on your tippy toes. Be sure to have a pen handy, Casanova.

Now he can look women in the eye as they reject him.

What I don’t understand is how we’re supposed to continually pull off this ruse while gaming the babes. At some point in the relationship (and probably the very first night considering the irresistible height), she’s going to want you sexually. If she’s turned off by the fact that you insist on wearing shoes during sex, where’s the benefit? Suddenly, you’re not the tall sexy man she met in the park anymore. You’re just some creep wearing nothing but bloated sneakers.

I suppose what’s fair is fair considering women have been getting away with these kinds of seductive charades for decades. Max Tall simply gender equalizes the disappointment that countless men have experienced after unstrapping what is ultimately discovered to be a Miracle Bra. An event that triggers the sexually depleting phenomenon known as the Cantaloupes-to-Lemons effect.

Eventually, you’re going to have to come clean. You can’t wear shoes forever. At some point in your life you’re going to be asked by lifeguards to swim without your shoes on. You’ll be asked to shower or bathe without your dress shoes. And you’ll be asked to please stop coming to bed wearing man-heels.

When the inevitable day comes that you must remove your shoes, you’re going to need to explain away the sudden drop in height. At which time you can refer to Max Tall’s handy companion guide which lists any number of bone and muscle diseases you can reference. Someone would have to sink pretty low to poke fun at you now.

The fact that this guy can't score a hottie or a job has nothing to do with him looking like a sulking pedophile. It's a lack of Max Talls. Just look how happy he is now. He's ready to hit the park and find Cindy.

Personally, I like the concept. Being 6’7″, I know the advantages of being tall all too well. But I also know that the benefits come with an equal number of countering disadvantages.

Just think of the adjustment period you’ll experience as you get acquainted with your new frame. You think it’s easy to walk around like this? I had my whole life to gradually get used to my height, and here you’re going to sprout up overnight. Are you confident that you’ll be able to properly maneuver your new body without crushing people in the process? Being tall is no joke. Nor is it easy. That’s why God made so few of us.

Finally, ask yourself what do you want to do for a career. What’s your dream job? Not sure? You better figure it out. Because once you slip in a set of Max Tall inserts, you can pretty much write your own ticket. Success comes easy so long as you’re over 5’9″. Leave the unemployment lines to the short stacks.

If your curiosity about Max Tall hasn’t been piqued already, head on over and watch the video commercial. Trust me, it’s worth it. I almost bought a pair of these babies so I could do a video review, but I fear it would only encourage the company to come out with more products. I already think they crossed the line with artificially engineered tall people.

Quite frankly, I don’t need the competition.

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I’m Sorry For Letting You Down
September 6, 2011 at 9:58 am

{ 30 comments… read them below or add one }

Jaime July 21, 2011 at 11:28 am

I’ve always been plagued with being short……… so even the short guys are taller than me… I guess I never considered the fact that women can just wear heels if they want to be taller whereas guys don’t really have any options if they are born vertically challenged..

but speaking of the Max Tall ad… I love how ads like these make regular things into mountain issues.. like the milk spout ad that made it seem like opening a carton of milk was a daunting task that inevitably leads to spilled milk.. they always show some person trying to do it and making a huge mess… cuz apparently the entire population is full of uncoordinated moogs… LOL

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Telling Dad July 21, 2011 at 11:37 am

Hahaha, I know exactly what you mean. I haven’t seen the milk spout but I always laughed at the black & white ominous video effect as a woman couldn’t figure out how to peel carrots. She was hacking away at this vegetable the way a lumberjack haphazardly hacks at an Oak tree.

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Jaime July 21, 2011 at 12:33 pm

now THAT one I can get on board with… being left-handed I’m naturally incapable of peeling anything .. even with left handed peelers, which I swear were invented by right handed people…

in my house I’ve been banned from peeling anything due to the multiple incidents where I’ve nearly cut off chunks of my fingers from inproper peeling techniques.

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Lesley July 23, 2011 at 5:37 pm

I think its funny that “Poor Mike” is looking at Cindy’s bum in the first picture. I guess if you’re short thats the only place you can look at…who knows? I’m 5’2, but I wouldn’t wear those for anything!

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tom March 30, 2012 at 11:16 am

seriously lesley always got to bring it to the “he checking her out, hes looking at her ass” wow. totally pointless to the convo. and again you said you wouldnt wear them well ummm your a woman so u would just wear heels. so y u even commenting on a mens product for. you dont see men commenting on womens heels do u

Melinda July 24, 2011 at 10:25 am

All I could think about was the awkward moment at the beach or pool. It does seem like an SNL skit. Mike better get ready for all the excitement when people start asking for his help getting items off a top shelf.

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CJ August 4, 2011 at 2:40 pm

*furiously scribbles product name..”max tall”…to add to wish list that already includes “yo-yo-YO”*

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Steve August 13, 2011 at 2:19 am

Your write up was hilarious!! Especially the part where you make a good point where soon everyone around you starts increasing their height, then you need to buy Ultra Max Talls, then ultra Shaq Max….then the cycle will go until we’re a nation walking on stilts.

Actually this can be more than just an SNL skit as someone said. The humorous events for a script can easily fill up a 1.75 hour movie – “There’s Something About Big” A movie, about three guys that start competing with each other over the same woman – one by one they catch on to this life changer, Max Tall, that will help them grow 2-3 inches, in height. The girl starts falling for guy 1 because she likes his height, not realizing she is being conned. His friend, guy 2 who is about the same height, really loves this girl as well. He finds out about Max tall, and gets the Ultra Max version. He makes his move, and its starting to work on her. Now she is confused, but starts to really like guy 2. She just loves that extra inch of height, he gets with the delux model. The third guy, being very jealous of his friend, guy 2, realizes that it is all bullshit. Why not compete. He, gets the Ultra Shaq version..which increases his height 4 inches, moves in on the same girl…and of course she goes wild over his towering stature. There’s just something about being big!! Guy 3, with the Ultra Shaq modle, makes it to the bedroom with her…success his other two friends didnt have. They are livid and each now planning their own ways to get her back. In the meantime, Guy 3 has a dilemma. He must decide on whether he is going to take his shoes off in the bedroom, take the risk of standing, disappoint her and losing her affection. It’s not worth the risk, so he leaves his shoes on while they are in bed and ready to make love. She gives him a look that could kill…”What is your problem-take your shoes off” He explains and convinces her that he has a human form of ‘hoof and foot’ disease that requires him to leave these special shoes on for at least 4 weeks. The time he feels he’ll need for her to fall in love with him. Reluctantly she goes along with it…sex in bed with his shoes on. Then its shower time! They get into shower and of course he must keep his shoes on. Now the water is chemically changing his Shaq Max supporters. In the shower he begins to melt…she is scartles…he is devasted and gets smaller and smaller. He literally has a ‘melt down’ and she begins choking him out of anger; the police show up and things just keep going down from there. She eventually goes back to what she thinks is the honest guy… guy 2, who wears the ultra max. At least he is not faking 4 inches..just 2. He tells her he can not believe how his friend could devastate and deceive her like that. He now begins his con…and gets into many other situations, faking it until it blows up in his face as well. ETC, ETC…many potential scenes for to fill up a movie here. Ok..maybe not the way i described here in a 10 minute write up, but reading your article convinces me there is a script here that could fill up a movie…could be done in a straight way with these guys really lazered in on how height will get the girl of their dreams..the same one. “There’s something about big” Ok, might not be as good as “There’s something about Mary” but still, this could have potential. If someone wants to co-write with me, let me know. LOL.

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Nicole Copeland March 20, 2012 at 5:49 pm

This is so hilarious! I could see the action already playing out. If not a movie at least make it a series on YouTube!

The entire write up from the black and white boardroom to MAX TALLs that bring color and an irresistable lure to any person – mostly men though to the pedophile looking guy ready to find Cindy in the park is so hilarious. I can’t wait until people start stacking the ultra shaq max talls on themelves until they are walking on stilts (as mentioned before)!

B August 14, 2011 at 5:53 pm

Dude, you are so funny. XD I saw the commercial and you totally hit this on the head. I’m going to pass this article on.
~B.

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Rae September 6, 2011 at 2:53 am

Snookie needs these.. Maybe she’ll stop being a whore with less wiener in her face.

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stanly foster September 9, 2011 at 7:25 am

I never buy anything that is sold via an infomercial. I also try not to buy chinese made crap. Infomercials are used to prey upon your senses and emotions and are full of gimmicks to get you to buy their product.

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Craig Morgan September 27, 2011 at 4:08 am

I’m 5’4 and don’t have a problem meeting woman and bagging babes. This commercial made me laugh so hard I couldn’t believe it was for real. Hopefully Mike has an 8″ pop can for a tool and he commands attention with that two bit red head

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Paul September 27, 2011 at 1:52 pm

I just saw a commercial for this product. Are you kidding me? First, if a girl doesn’t like me for who I am, screw her. Second, if you did succeed in getting a girl because of this product, like she’s not gonna find out your real height when you take your shoes off. This has to be the dumbest product ever.

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Jehuty September 27, 2011 at 10:43 pm

OMG, I might get some serious flack for this, but almost everyone commenting is an IDIOT.

Women are attracted to you physically 1st, no matter what they say.
It’s called initial attraction.
If you don’t look the part, wheter black, white, Jewish, Romanian Tall or short, you don’t have a chance. The Max tall won’t score you babes, But it will put you on the Radar for females who Like a certain height. Women will reject you for whatever reason, why let your Height (Something you can change with max tall) be a factor. Besides, when you’re having sex you’re laying down anyway. Wear them to a club and dance with the girl have a couple drinks and bag her. Go on dates with her and wear em. After you’ve had sex with her she won’t leave you because you’re not tall enough. Women use tons of tricks, make-up, fake butts, spanx, high heels, contacts, extensions, padded bras, fake eyelashes, tanning, lip plumper, hair dye, all this to attract the opposite sex. Men are too stupid or too proud to admit, sometimes you have to play dirty to get what you want

“If a girl doesn’t like me for who I am screw her”

That…my friends is the word of a Loser

How in the world is she supposed to know who you really are if she’s not potentially attracted to you ???? You could be a diamond, but if the Box you came in isn’t presentable, she won’t open it. GET IT ????

Buy Max Tall :P

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Gary October 16, 2011 at 11:48 pm

I totally agree with what you saying…I am 5’9″ and a part time actor. Eventhough I am a confident/good looking/great actor which works alott, I have been turned down for parts because of my height especially when I was modeling more in my younger years. My height has absolutely nothing to do with my acting ability but I have been told by casting agent/producers/my agent that even after numberous call backs, I did not get the part because I wasn’t the height they wanted. Unfairly, my height has nothing to do with my ability but have been pre-judged for being a shorter man, expecially if the other parts are filled by actors that are over 6 feet which make it that much more obvious on screen I guess. I was discounted by something that I could not change and it hurt. It especially hold true when women do everything in their power to have an unfair advantage, like make up, high heels, spanx, tanners, colored contacts, false eye lashes, padded bras, padded butts, hair extentions, fake nails, etc…. As men we are programed that we should settle for what we are GOD given but what is wrong with trying to level the playing field to your advantage. Especially if it make you feel better, hurts noone, and is non-premanent?
I am buying a pair of these for my acting auditions and see how it goes…perhaps it will get me a part I would have previously been over looked for then it will be well worth the $20 bucks for sure!!!

Paul September 28, 2011 at 10:17 am

No, I don’t get it. I have a beautiful girl, and I’m only 5’7″. Ive never had a problem finding a girl because they like me for me, and not because I’m a certain height. Anybody who has to change who they are to satisfy somebody else has low self-esteem.

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Jehuty September 28, 2011 at 2:08 pm

People have quit drugs, lost weight, worked out, relocated jobs all to be with someone. It takes more self-esteem to realize you want to evolve and become a better person or change something about yourself.
High self-esteem and being stubborn are 2 very different animals.

Your “Take me as I am, or screw you” philosphy is a bit neanderthal, and stems from frustration.

But, i think you missed the point entirely, if 20 girls took notice to you already, probably 60 would take notice if you weren’t so short. Wheter
you want to believe that or not is irrelavent, because it’s just true.

Think about it as you ride your skateboard home, you’re still on Level 1.

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leonardos April 5, 2012 at 8:18 am

Spot on!

You don’t have to agree with people. But you have to agree with the facts, most people and women are idiots enough to care about that 2-4 extra inch of horizontal bone mass, and make it such a big deal that it’s the difference between love and hate, attention and disregard.

I’m not too short and I do not care about height at all. We’re all nothing but brains sitting on a skeleton. However I do know that a majority of people are lower in the IQ bell curve, and that they do care about it. And stupid or not, they are the majority, and they can slow u down in every step.

Paul September 29, 2011 at 10:04 pm

Those people are losers, it’s whats inside that counts. And no, I’m not frustrated, I’m very happy, just can;t believe that people have to be fake to please somebody else. Anyway, I don’t want to argue with a stranger. I hope you have a good day. Thank you.

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Bob October 15, 2011 at 1:16 pm

Well, I am considering purchasing these. See, due to an automobile accident, I was left with one short leg. I figure these things could help even things up for me. Then, I could stop walking like a duck.

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Quian j. Henderson December 16, 2011 at 1:51 am

I wnt max-tall in soles

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Roger December 23, 2011 at 1:49 pm

Oh boy just another scheme to make a quick cash on the vertically challenged people who believe they are inferior to this world for being short. I have been 5`8 for all my life and yes tall guys usually have the up hand on getting the attention from the female but I never really felt that inferior since I married a beautiful women who is 5`7 and are happy fro 20 years now now here is my 2cents for you young dudes out there(I`m 42): if you are looking to spark the female side you need to make the money, the money gives you the power and then you get the women, sad but true money will give you the women and if you are looking for love…thats another story!

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Eddie hines August 2, 2012 at 1:23 pm

Remember you still are not 5’3″ like me so you are considered tall

P Hill December 26, 2011 at 6:53 pm

Maxtall is pure genius…..of you’re short your life sucks, real talk.

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Jalwin January 19, 2012 at 6:05 pm

If the box isn’t presentable, she won’t open it. Women pull a lot of schemes to get the man THEY WANT to notice them. We already spend money on nice clothes, shoes, and cars. Why not another $30 to be able to see above the crowd and make her feel like she’s a little more safe in your arms?

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Dack January 19, 2012 at 6:12 pm

they have a 14 day money back guarantee too

Gary May 3, 2012 at 3:52 am

Step-ups.com also has a similar product but is probably better in every way..

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Sean July 7, 2012 at 6:06 pm

To the idiots and especially the ones that are under 5’7 and think that they can get pretty chics despite their height? Think again shorty! Chics prefer men to be taller than them period! It makes them feel safe and MIT like they are hugging their little brother! Also when u are in an authoritative position people don’t think you have the neopolean complex! I am 5’7 and it sucks! Taller guys think they can push you around also cause your the height of their girlfriends! I am buying thes and although I have over 50 suits I’m getting a new wardrobe to go with my new height so that it’s permanent. Chics that really care about their appearance don’t want to feel awkward with a short guy especially for long term cause of photos at marriage etc. this is about self improvement and being the best you can be. Like me for me is just stupid and ignorant!

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Jesse July 31, 2012 at 9:49 pm

I did one better, as I got a pair of the goth platform shoes, along with a pair of lifts, which make me almost 6-0, and I’ll admit feels so great in every way when I have them on! My height has always been the biggest detriment to my life in so many ways, and thank goodness there is something you can do about it, besides dangerous, and painful leg lengthening, even if it’s not natural height increase, but still. I usually would get attention from women before I had them anyway, though I know my added height doesn’t hurt at all either, and I’ll admit that I do kind of like the awkward looks, and comments I get from wearing my special shoes in public, and (even if I didn’t like the reactions I get) does also beats being a grown man being shorter than so many women, and children, and will thankfully never really have to put up with again for the most part when I’m in public! Plus my goth shoes really pack a “kick” as well, and make sure no one is dare stupid enough to mess with me when I’m wearing them either, knowing the damage they can do, and kind of kills two birds with one stone in a way. If you’re a short man who can’t afford, and handle limb lengthening, than it’s goth/platform shoes, along with lifts F.T.W. baby!

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