Our dog threw up $4 today.
Not $4 in real money. Just $4 in kibble equivalence.
Apparently, his digestive system still isn’t used to expensive brown dog food. The cheaper brown dog food, which looks suspiciously identical to the expensive brown dog food, stayed down where it should…lodged in his stomach and intestinal walls, unable to move. But the expensive stuff seems to seek the path of least resistance, in which it follows the esophagus and not the intestines.
I miss the cheap stuff. I mean, it’s not like we were out buying 55-gallon drums of Dads from Wal-Mart or anything, but we also weren’t paying an arm and a leg for dog food that probably contained ground up arms and legs. In fact, we were springing for Beneful. The perfect middle class meal for the perfect middle class canine.
While the cheap stuff did wonders for our carpeting, sanity, and socks, it slowly wreaked havoc on his skin and eventually caused a malicious odor that’s illegal in 17 states. Prior to treatment, if you were to walk into any room blindfolded, you would have no trouble locating the festering beast with pinpoint accuracy. Even if you only had the sense of smell to guide you.
And if you made the mistake of petting him? You had two options: 1) Wash your hands in bleach; or 2) amputation.
To put it in perspective, our 3-year old daughter took it upon herself to spritz the poor animal with Christmas Tree scented Febreze. Not just a few quick sprays, but rather an aggressive sweeping motion as though she were repainting a car. By the time I disarmed her, he was glistening, but he did kind of smell like Christmas.
If Christmas had died.
To try and combat the smell we decided to take him to a local groomer. When scheduling the appointment, she asked me to try and describe the odor over the phone. I thought for a second and then replied in all seriousness, “It’s almost like our dog is decomposing prematurely.”
She immediately cleared her schedule.
By the close of his appointment, we were told that we have a 155-pound animal with an allergy to grains. No more dog food with rice, corn, or other such fillers. If we were going to make him tolerable, we’d have to treat the condition with various ointments and change his diet.
I hate changing a dog’s diet. It’s a process that never ends well. It’s always met with unbearable flatulence, diarrhea explosions, and frightening intestinal noises. Still, we decided to make the switch and agreed to bless our dog with 100% meat-based kibble. Minutes later, I was asking the cashier at Petco how they can sleep at night charging me $70 for a bag of dog food.
Perhaps I was spoiled and too accustomed to spending $15 for the same amount of Beneful, but I think it’s criminal to charge $70 for a bag of dog food when it doesn’t come with a free dog inside.
I think we’re now feeding him something called “Taste of the Wild” or “Call of the Wild” or something like that. All I know is that it has a picture of wild dogs or wolves looking longingly at the bag’s ingredients, which include bison, deer, and some other small exotic animal. Based on the price tag, I can only assume it’s a mink.
I suppose I’d be fine with paying $70 for a bag of dog food if the dog eating it was Dory. She weighs 45 pounds and eats like a bird, so each bag would last a few months. But Jackson has 110 pounds on her and believes he must consume his own weight in dog food on a daily basis.
So when I see him greedily choke down a $12 bowl of dog food only to watch him hack a third of it up as he leaves the room, I can’t help but shout, “Whoa! Where do you think YOU’RE going??? Don’t leave that there! Eat it! That’s four bucks you just belched up on our floor!”
To which His Foulness just continues to shuffle out of the room in search of something clean to defile.
In true dog fashion, Dory tries to eat his regurgitated deposits, but Heather inexplicably stops her before she can lap it up. Sure it’d be gross to watch her do that, but that’s why God gave us the ability to look away.
Until these animals start barfing up real cash and not half-eaten kibble on our bath mats, I’m going to look to save money whenever and wherever possible. And if this means these two mutts have to play a little game I call, “Mama Bird, Baby Bird,” so be it.
I must say that Jackson’s condition is improving. Where it used to take 48 hours post-bath to smell like the Living Dead, we’re now at a solid week. Even so, considering actual TellingDad.com readers will be visiting our home this weekend for Perry’s “It’s a Wonderful Life” parade debut, we decided to have Jackson groomed, bathed, and treated again today. The last thing we wanted was for Jackson’s offensive odor to be the lasting memory of their visit.
Speaking of this weekend, stay tuned for photos! A few of my illustrious readers are bringing their children to ride on Perry throughout the parade route so it should be a lot of fun. We’ll be passing out lollipops and candy canes, ringing bells, and waving to the crowd while Perry leads the way.
See you again after the parade! Fresh pup and all!