As the ever-doting husband, and one who won’t miss any opportunity to watch his wife disrobe, I decided to accompany Heather to her doctor’s appointment this afternoon.
She suffers from a lifelong condition called Wacky Thyroid (or ‘hypothyroidism’ to the layperson) and today was her annual checkup to make sure her thyroid hadn’t become even more wacky.
I don’t fully understand the affliction and I’m not sure what would happen if her thyroid went completely bananas, but when I see “hypo” and “thyroid” scrunched together in the same word, I can’t help but wonder if the result would be superhuman strength. Like the ability to lift automobiles straight up over her head or bend steel like it was butter. All I know is this…if lifting cars and bending steel are symptoms? I’m going to fall in love with her all over again. And I’ll be a hell of a lot nicer, too.
Our family doctor happens to also be a close friend of ours, or at the very least, an avid reader of this blog. So I know that I can get away with a lot more commentary in-session than I could if she had some stodgy physician void of a sense of humor. Like the gem who in all seriousness asked her, as I sat three feet away, if I had ever physically or sexually abused her.
Like she’s going to admit that in my presence.
This is the same doctor who gave her a freebie box of Benadryl and then chased us down in the parking lot to retrieve it when he realized that my wife was pregnant. Seeing how he was subbing in for a prenatal appointment, it was rather unsettling. So we’re quite happy to have a doctor who we not only trust, but thoroughly enjoy. He and his wife are good peeps.
(Dr. Reese, I do hope this compliment satisfies our arrangement? You can still put the, um, “Tic Tacs” in our planter box.)
The nurse who walked us into the examination room remarked how adorable Kamryn was and leaned down to ask her, “You are such a pretty child, do you want a balloon when mommy’s finished?”
As Kamryn beamed and nodded like a bobblehead, I asked the nurse if even the ugly children get balloons here. Because if they don’t, it’d make this moment all the more special for me as her father. She remarked that “Every child is beautiful,” which means that even the bowzers get some helium-filled latex. The kids may be thrilled, but it’s nothing to get worked up over if you’re a parent.
After taking Heather’s blood pressure, height, and weight, which shall remain confidential because I know how much women HATE having their blood pressure revealed, she told Heather to remove everything but her bra, panties, and socks.
It was showtime!
Even under the bright fluorescent lights and even with the treasure trove of medical instruments dangling from the sterile walls, she looked beautiful next to the Biohazard bin. I even have proof because I adequately concealed my Droid as the camcorder captured every tantalizing second. It wasn’t as sexy as a true striptease would have been, but the footage will help me pass time in traffic or while waiting in line at the grocery checkout.
I thought she’d bum-rush me like I was the Paparazzi when she realized it was recording, but she actually gave me a post-nakedness interview while sitting on training paper in her gown. I’m trying to convert the video to add here but I need to blur out the sexy parts first. Of course, the “Mrs. Telling Dad UNCENSORED!” version will be available for paid download separately (I told you I’d be monetizing someday).
“Thyroid Patients Gone Wild!” — Coming Soon to a Pre-Divorce Website Near You!
As I stared at her back through the flannel chasm provided by the toddler’s smock they gave her, I asked her why she needed to be naked for this appointment considering the condition existed above the neck. Before she could answer I noticed that she had set a piece of paper down on his counter with a list of all the vitamins and supplements she takes so that he could notate it in his chart.
Things like Vitamin E, Multi-vitamin, Omega-somethings, Iron, etc. Whereas my list would have consisted solely of “gummy bear chewables,” she had almost the entire GNC catalog scribbled down on paper. I’m sorry, but temptation, and the nearby pen, got the best of me. I slyly made my way to the counter and added:
“Nickel bag of heroin (once daily) – Borax if heroin is unavailable.”
If it were any other doctor, I would have added a smiley face. I still would have written it, but I would have made sure the smiley face was there to imply jest. Of course, I suppose the smiley face could have been interpreted by the doctor as her just being really super happy about heroin, so I’m glad I didn’t have to worry about that with Dr. Reese.
Prior to his arrival I started plucking instruments from their holders and asked Heather if she wanted to play doctor before he arrived. “Shhhhh,” I said quietly, “just lay back and let me work.”
I first took the Ear Looker Atter but I couldn’t figure out how to make it light up. So I told her she’d have to spread extra wide to make sure some light got down there to assist me. For that I got smacked in the arm. I told her that she better hope Dr. Reese doesn’t ask if I’VE ever been physically abused, and moved on to the next contraption on the wall.
I haven’t a clue what this next thing was but it kind of looked like a telescope affixed to a handle. She asked what it could possibly be, and without hesitation, I explained that it was a breast finder. I looked through it and told her that it’s only arch nemesis was flannel. She’d have to remove the gown if she wanted an accurate reading. Just then a swift knock came on the door and I quickly placed what had to be a pretty expensive breast finder back into its charger.
I don’t get this whole “knock and enter” thing doctors have going on. While their knuckles are still on the wood they’re already opening the door. If it’s to announce their arrival, I’m pretty sure their presence alone would accomplish that. They never knock, wait for a “Come in!,” and then enter. It’s “Knock-Enter-Knock.” What if we HAD been playing doctor? Who knows where that Ear Looker thing might have been.
Once he arrived in the room we exchanged pleasantries amongst my gowned nudie wife and embarked on the physical exam. I believe I answered more questions than she did but I probably just jacked up her medical charts in the process.
Dr. Reese: “Do you smoke?”
Me: “Soooo, we’re not counting glass pipes?”
Dr. Reese: “Do you ever conduct self-breast exams?”
Me: “That’s my department.”
Heather: “Ignore him. And, yes, I do. I’m fine.”
Me: “You do? You know I’m watching next time. Dr. Reese will agree with me on this. You need a spotter.”
Dr. Reese: “How about you’re mother and father. Any medical conditions?”
Heather: “My father? He’s super healthy. He had his gall bladder removed but he’s pretty much the epitome of health. As for my mom…”
Me: “Whoa! Before you tell him about your mom you better ask how much storage he has left in his laptop.”
Dr. Reese: “Do you have a gynecologist selected yet?”
Me: “Again, that’s my department.”
Heather: “Stop being an idiot. Not yet, no, but I’m not due for any exams yet anyhow.”
Me: “You do know that I’d work for free, right?”
Dr. Reese: “So your father had benign polyps? You’re going to want to get a colonoscopy as a precaution.”
Me: “Ok. That is NOT my department. We’ll need a referral for that body part.”
After the one-liner Q&A session, he stood up to use the Ear dealio thing properly. As he held it to her ear I pointed to the opposite wall and told Kamryn to watch because a beam of light was soon going to shoot out of mommy’s other ear. She watched intently and as Dr. Reese moved to the other ear I told her the light would now be on the other wall. Kamryn was a bit disappointed that there wasn’t any light, and I must admit, I was a little disappointed myself.
He took out a few more gadgets from the drawers, which I totally would have explored had he not been so prompt, and proceeded to smack her around a little bit with tiny metal instruments. He had her cough, pull on his hands, resist his attempt to push on her legs, arm wrestle, and remain still while he thwacked her knees and ankles with a reflex hammer. After a few more smacks to the back and ribs he announced that she was in fine shape and ready for the Whack-a-Mole circuit.
He asked if she wanted to get a Tetanus shot even though she wasn’t due for a few years and she inexplicably said yes. Apparently, this new version also prevents against Whooping Cough, but still, volunteering for a painful shot? I’m of the, “I’ll wait until I step on a rusty nail and THEN consider it” camp. Needles and me have never gotten along.
The nurse arrived, and after jamming the syringe into her arm, told her that her arm could become really sore. She suggested that the more she used her arm, the more it would help prevent ongoing pain.
The nurse then said, and I quote, “Be sure to keep her busy tonight.”
As anyone who’s read my “DIY Are You So Nasty” post will tell you, I never pass up the opportunity for a sexual innuendo. This was medical gold.
Me: “Oh, don’t you worry about that. I’ll make sure she’s gettin’ busy.”
Heather: “Seriously? Even here?”
Me: “Whaaat?!? She said we have to get busy, did she not?”
Nurse: “I said she should stay busy.”
Me: “Fine. So we’ll go a little longer than usual. I’ll do anything when her health is at stake.”
Heather: “Sorry, ignore him. He’s being an idiot.”
Me: “A doctor’s office that demands we get busy? I am loving this place.”
Heather: “That’s not what she meant.”
Me: “It’s not what she meant that matters. It’s what I heard.”
Heather: “Well, it’s not happening.”
Me: “Sorry, babe. Doctor’s orders.”
Big thanks to Karen C for her comment about “Hypo-” versus “Hyper-” thyroidism. Heather indeed does have Hypothyroidism as I said, but apparently, it’s not that her thyroid produces too much thyroid stuff, it’s that it produces too little.
So, there will be no car lifting or bending of steel like I thought. If anything, it will eventually lead to a habit of hibernation. I have to believe I got them mixed up because this woman is tireless. She’s extremely active, volunteers all over creation, and seems to have an unending motor. You can see why I’d be confused.
This in mind, if she DID have hyperthyroidism? I think hoisted cars and bent steel would be the least of what she could accomplish.