Doctor’s Orders

by Telling Dad on October 14, 2011

As the ever-doting husband, and one who won’t miss any opportunity to watch his wife disrobe, I decided to accompany Heather to her doctor’s appointment this afternoon.

She suffers from a lifelong condition called Wacky Thyroid (or ‘hypothyroidism’ to the layperson) and today was her annual checkup to make sure her thyroid hadn’t become even more wacky.

I don’t fully understand the affliction and I’m not sure what would happen if her thyroid went completely bananas, but when I see “hypo” and “thyroid” scrunched together in the same word, I can’t help but wonder if the result would be superhuman strength. Like the ability to lift automobiles straight up over her head or bend steel like it was butter. All I know is this…if lifting cars and bending steel are symptoms? I’m going to fall in love with her all over again. And I’ll be a hell of a lot nicer, too.

Our family doctor happens to also be a close friend of ours, or at the very least, an avid reader of this blog. So I know that I can get away with a lot more commentary in-session than I could if she had some stodgy physician void of a sense of humor. Like the gem who in all seriousness asked her, as I sat three feet away, if I had ever physically or sexually abused her.

Please.

Like she’s going to admit that in my presence.

This is the same doctor who gave her a freebie box of Benadryl and then chased us down in the parking lot to retrieve it when he realized that my wife was pregnant. Seeing how he was subbing in for a prenatal appointment, it was rather unsettling. So we’re quite happy to have a doctor who we not only trust, but thoroughly enjoy. He and his wife are good peeps.

(Dr. Reese, I do hope this compliment satisfies our arrangement? You can still put the, um, “Tic Tacs” in our planter box.)

The nurse who walked us into the examination room remarked how adorable Kamryn was and leaned down to ask her, “You are such a pretty child, do you want a balloon when mommy’s finished?”

As Kamryn beamed and nodded like a bobblehead, I asked the nurse if even the ugly children get balloons here. Because if they don’t, it’d make this moment all the more special for me as her father. She remarked that “Every child is beautiful,” which means that even the bowzers get some helium-filled latex. The kids may be thrilled, but it’s nothing to get worked up over if you’re a parent.

After taking Heather’s blood pressure, height, and weight, which shall remain confidential because I know how much women HATE having their blood pressure revealed, she told Heather to remove everything but her bra, panties, and socks.

It was showtime!

Even under the bright fluorescent lights and even with the treasure trove of medical instruments dangling from the sterile walls, she looked beautiful next to the Biohazard bin. I even have proof because I adequately concealed my Droid as the camcorder captured every tantalizing second. It wasn’t as sexy as a true striptease would have been, but the footage will help me pass time in traffic or while waiting in line at the grocery checkout.

I thought she’d bum-rush me like I was the Paparazzi when she realized it was recording, but she actually gave me a post-nakedness interview while sitting on training paper in her gown. I’m trying to convert the video to add here but I need to blur out the sexy parts first. Of course, the “Mrs. Telling Dad UNCENSORED!” version will be available for paid download separately (I told you I’d be monetizing someday).

“Thyroid Patients Gone Wild!” — Coming Soon to a Pre-Divorce Website Near You!

As I stared at her back through the flannel chasm provided by the toddler’s smock they gave her, I asked her why she needed to be naked for this appointment considering the condition existed above the neck. Before she could answer I noticed that she had set a piece of paper down on his counter with a list of all the vitamins and supplements she takes so that he could notate it in his chart.

Things like Vitamin E, Multi-vitamin, Omega-somethings, Iron, etc. Whereas my list would have consisted solely of “gummy bear chewables,” she had almost the entire GNC catalog scribbled down on paper. I’m sorry, but temptation, and the nearby pen, got the best of me. I slyly made my way to the counter and added:

“Nickel bag of heroin (once daily) – Borax if heroin is unavailable.”

If it were any other doctor, I would have added a smiley face. I still would have written it, but I would have made sure the smiley face was there to imply jest. Of course, I suppose the smiley face could have been interpreted by the doctor as her just being really super happy about heroin, so I’m glad I didn’t have to worry about that with Dr. Reese.

Prior to his arrival I started plucking instruments from their holders and asked Heather if she wanted to play doctor before he arrived. “Shhhhh,” I said quietly, “just lay back and let me work.”

I first took the Ear Looker Atter but I couldn’t figure out how to make it light up. So I told her she’d have to spread extra wide to make sure some light got down there to assist me. For that I got smacked in the arm. I told her that she better hope Dr. Reese doesn’t ask if I’VE ever been physically abused, and moved on to the next contraption on the wall.

I haven’t a clue what this next thing was but it kind of looked like a telescope affixed to a handle. She asked what it could possibly be, and without hesitation, I explained that it was a breast finder. I looked through it and told her that it’s only arch nemesis was flannel. She’d have to remove the gown if she wanted an accurate reading. Just then a swift knock came on the door and I quickly placed what had to be a pretty expensive breast finder back into its charger.

I don’t get this whole “knock and enter” thing doctors have going on. While their knuckles are still on the wood they’re already opening the door. If it’s to announce their arrival, I’m pretty sure their presence alone would accomplish that. They never knock, wait for a “Come in!,” and then enter. It’s “Knock-Enter-Knock.” What if we HAD been playing doctor? Who knows where that Ear Looker thing might have been.

Once he arrived in the room we exchanged pleasantries amongst my gowned nudie wife and embarked on the physical exam. I believe I answered more questions than she did but I probably just jacked up her medical charts in the process.

Dr. Reese: “Do you smoke?”

Heather: “Never.”

Me: “Soooo, we’re not counting glass pipes?”

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Dr. Reese: “Do you ever conduct self-breast exams?”

Me: “That’s my department.”

Heather: “Ignore him. And, yes, I do. I’m fine.”

Me: “You do? You know I’m watching next time. Dr. Reese will agree with me on this. You need a spotter.”

——————————–

Dr. Reese: “How about you’re mother and father. Any medical conditions?”

Heather: “My father? He’s super healthy. He had his gall bladder removed but he’s pretty much the epitome of health. As for my mom…”

Me: “Whoa! Before you tell him about your mom you better ask how much storage he has left in his laptop.”

——————————–

Dr. Reese: “Do you have a gynecologist selected yet?”

Me: “Again, that’s my department.”

Heather: “Stop being an idiot. Not yet, no, but I’m not due for any exams yet anyhow.”

Me: “You do know that I’d work for free, right?”

——————————–

Dr. Reese: “So your father had benign polyps? You’re going to want to get a colonoscopy as a precaution.”

Me: “Ok. That is NOT my department. We’ll need a referral for that body part.”

——————————–

After the one-liner Q&A session, he stood up to use the Ear dealio thing properly. As he held it to her ear I pointed to the opposite wall and told Kamryn to watch because a beam of light was soon going to shoot out of mommy’s other ear. She watched intently and as Dr. Reese moved to the other ear I told her the light would now be on the other wall. Kamryn was a bit disappointed that there wasn’t any light, and I must admit, I was a little disappointed myself.

He took out a few more gadgets from the drawers, which I totally would have explored had he not been so prompt, and proceeded to smack her around a little bit with tiny metal instruments. He had her cough, pull on his hands, resist his attempt to push on her legs, arm wrestle, and remain still while he thwacked her knees and ankles with a reflex hammer. After a few more smacks to the back and ribs he announced that she was in fine shape and ready for the Whack-a-Mole circuit.

He asked if she wanted to get a Tetanus shot even though she wasn’t due for a few years and she inexplicably said yes. Apparently, this new version also prevents against Whooping Cough, but still, volunteering for a painful shot? I’m of the, “I’ll wait until I step on a rusty nail and THEN consider it” camp. Needles and me have never gotten along.

The nurse arrived, and after jamming the syringe into her arm, told her that her arm could become really sore. She suggested that the more she used her arm, the more it would help prevent ongoing pain.

The nurse then said, and I quote, “Be sure to keep her busy tonight.”

As anyone who’s read my “DIY Are You So Nasty” post will tell you, I never pass up the opportunity for a sexual innuendo. This was medical gold.

Me: “Oh, don’t you worry about that. I’ll make sure she’s gettin’ busy.”

Heather: “Seriously? Even here?”

Me: “Whaaat?!? She said we have to get busy, did she not?”

Nurse: “I said she should stay busy.”

Me: “Fine. So we’ll go a little longer than usual. I’ll do anything when her health is at stake.”

Heather: “Sorry, ignore him. He’s being an idiot.”

Me: “A doctor’s office that demands we get busy? I am loving this place.”

Heather: “That’s not what she meant.”

Me: “It’s not what she meant that matters. It’s what I heard.”

Heather: “Well, it’s not happening.”

Me: “Sorry, babe. Doctor’s orders.”

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Update! 10/14/11
Big thanks to Karen C for her comment about “Hypo-” versus “Hyper-” thyroidism. Heather indeed does have Hypothyroidism as I said, but apparently, it’s not that her thyroid produces too much thyroid stuff, it’s that it produces too little.

So, there will be no car lifting or bending of steel like I thought. If anything, it will eventually lead to a habit of hibernation. I have to believe I got them mixed up because this woman is tireless. She’s extremely active, volunteers all over creation, and seems to have an unending motor. You can see why I’d be confused.

This in mind, if she DID have hyperthyroidism? I think hoisted cars and bent steel would be the least of what she could accomplish.

{ 42 comments… read them below or add one }

Karyn October 14, 2011 at 1:03 am

Yes another skip through the wildflowers of happiness that is your life!

I didn’t even get to start reading, before I was impressed that you even went to the Doctors appointment! My hubby missed all the sonograms for our son, he’s that inept at attending anything with me.

Id take an idiot-with-innuendo as opposed to a guy-that-never-shows-up any day! Thanks for the laugh.

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Karen C October 14, 2011 at 2:06 am

You crack me up, you really do. But if you were my husband I would probably hit you. In a nice, loving way of course. I think my husband likes it, coz he always seems to do and say stuff that he KNOWS is going to get him hit.
BTW – not sure if you meant Heather has hypOthyroidism or hypERthyroidism.
In medical terms hypO – means low or under performing, hypER means high or over performing.
Hyperthyroid – able to lift cars for no reason without the need for sleep
Hypothyroid – unable to lift cars due to lack of interest and being asleep
Still can’t decide which I would rather be. From a medical point of view that is. It would be handy to be able to lift cars, but I really love sleeping.

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Nicole October 14, 2011 at 2:14 am

Ah, as usual, you paint a fun picture in my head, Greg. I can almost see feel the exasperation from Heather through the computer. I am also impressed that you were actually at the appointment. My husband has a hard enough time getting to his OWN appointments.

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meg October 14, 2011 at 4:49 am

Yea, so not taking my hubby into a routine dr’s office visit. Considering that you 2 are twins separated at birth.. I do not need his “help” during a check up..lol.

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Amanda October 14, 2011 at 5:02 am

That would be my husband if he wasn’t scared of messing something up at the doctor’s office. I take care of all health matters here. He was even disappointed to find out when we moved here that our old method of I make the appointment and he shows up doesn’t fly. Too many husbands were blowing off appointments their wives made, so they have to make their own appointments here. Our new method consists of me dialing the phone and handing it to him while saying “You need to make a doctor appointment for _____.”

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Grammy@gram-cracker.com October 14, 2011 at 7:42 am

Aaaaaaand THATS why my Hubs is never allowed to go to my Dr’s appointments….

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Carrie October 14, 2011 at 8:04 am

Good thing you were there. That is definitely the time a woman feels her sexiest.

Can’t tell you how many times I’ve hopped up on that little half bed, scratchy paper crinkling under my butt and ended up twisted all up in that baby crib sheet they give you to cover up with and thought to myself, “Damn, I’m hot right now. Hard to believe I’m single.”

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RobMonroe October 14, 2011 at 8:54 am

Glad I’m not the only one on Gummy Vitamins over the age of 30!

I got to go to fertility docs – trust me that you do not make those jokes around them… they make them first! She is also in the Hypothyroid category of women – some kind with a fancy name. (Hashimoto’s – sounds very ninja like!)

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awesomesauciness October 14, 2011 at 8:55 am

RE: The “Instruments of Magical Prowess”…you decided to explore. My oldest daughter was visiting a new asthma/allergy doc with her oldest child one day and completely ripped the Ear-Looky-Atta-Thingy out of the wall just as the doc entered the room. There she stood, the bidness end of the thing in her hand and the coiled black cord swinging in the air.

The visit was interesting, to say the least, but in the end the doc had a good sense of humor – even quipping that the “added charges” on the bill would be for repairs and that next time she’d go in the “room without out anything tempting on the walls…”

That’s my girl!

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mommietojosh October 14, 2011 at 8:58 am

You owe me a new keyboard, since I spewed coffee all over mine this morning as I read:
“Nickel bag of heroin (once daily) – Borax if heroin is unavailable.”

And of course, the massive snickering and chortling afterwards gained the attention of my boss….i’m currently in “Time Out”. Again.

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Rachel October 14, 2011 at 9:23 am

I just had the Tdap shot last Friday – and my arm hurt so bad. No one told me to stay busy though :)

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MrsTellingDad October 14, 2011 at 10:10 am

My arm is still sore. It didn’t help that she stuck me in an already tender spot in my shoulder. No lateral raises today.

Kelloggs October 14, 2011 at 9:43 am

You said her hypothyroidism was lifelong, so I must know: is it congenital? My almost-2-year-old was born with it, and it’s been hard to find accounts of people’s real-life experiences. My daughter has been on replacement hormone since she was 9 days old, and she IS currently perfect and bright, so I’m not really worried, but people don’t seem to talk much about what treatment for this condition looks like after growing slows down.

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Telling Dad October 14, 2011 at 9:51 am

By “lifelong” I meant that once you have it, it stays with you. Her diagnosis came a few years ago. I’ll have her comment here as I don’t know much about it.

MrsTellingDad October 14, 2011 at 10:08 am

It depends on the level of the disease or disorder, whatever you want to call it. It is usually controlled with medication but at times the thyroid does have to be removed and complete replacement therapy considered. The best resource is a good Endocrinologist. I know people with both cases, and they live long happy lives. The worst thing for me has been hair loss (hard to deal with being a woman), irregular heart beat (only because I am sensitive to it, being an athlete) and increases in depression as a hormonal teen. Fatigue comes and goes, along with sleeping issues. But good nutrition and exercise definitely help. Talk with your doctor about vitamin supplements. Those in combination with synthroid seem to work best for me. As far as congenital, I am not sure. I know women who have mothers with thyroid issues are more likely to develop similar problems. I did. But as I said before, the best resource is not only a good primary physician (who really listens) but a good Endocrinologist.

Telling Dad October 14, 2011 at 10:11 am

With regard to the hair loss, I just want Heather to know that I’d love her regardless.

It’d be awesome to not be the baldest person in the household.

MrsTellingDad October 14, 2011 at 10:11 am

Maybe Dr. Reese will give you some insight. :)

Jane October 15, 2011 at 12:25 am

I’m a bit of a know-it-all in this department – I have Grave’s Disease (they should have used his first name) otherwise known as Hyperthyroidism, which means my thryoid is hyperactive and produces enough thyroid to supply the entire population of a small West African nation. Should they so need it. Anyway, just to clear a few things up, those of us with hyperthyroid can barely lift a fork over our heads never mind a car. This is due to the muscle wasting that occurs as the body’s metabolism freaks out. We also have to deal with hair loss and generally feeling strung out and exhausted at the same time.
Also, thyroid conditions typically skip a generation. My grandmother left me this gift that keeps on giving and I’ll likely bestow it on my grandchildren. My mother doesn’t have it, but my cousins do.
Probably more than you ever wanted to know about me considering the fact that we are complete strangers. (You can read my thyroid-free blog if you want to know more!)

Guineapigdude October 14, 2011 at 9:59 am

you might like these needles, on is even available now, and its supposed to not even hurt!

http://www.popsci.com/technology/article/2011-07/incredible-shrinking-shot-needles-get-pain-free-makeover

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Susan October 14, 2011 at 11:29 am

I have the thyroid thingie too. Hypo – hyper… I don’t even know. Based on Karen C’s description above, I’d say hypo. Which is lame. I want to be able to lift cars on no sleep whatsoever. Having the hyper version sounds like you’re a chronic over-achiever who needs a chill pill.

I just know my husband wakes me up every morning to take my thyroid pill. So the first thing I see in the morning is his hand out, waiting for me to swallow something. For all I know he could put a dung beetle on his palm and I’d swallow that and probably not know the difference. Until it crawled out of my mouth an hour later.

Me: “Baby, are you administering dung beetles to me every morning?”

Hubs: “No.”

He hesitated. So I’m not convinced.

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Annie October 14, 2011 at 11:58 am

You are such a kid at heart. (Hope you take that as a compliment because it is meant that way!) Only you could make a trip to the doctor this funny. I love stopping by and catching up on the latest fiasco at your house. Always a treat!

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Lori October 14, 2011 at 12:10 pm

I thought my husband Ed was the King of Innuendo but I see I was wrong!OMG! Ed does not go through the drawers at the doctor’s office and experiment with the equipment on the wall but he’s great with the oneliners. And he once silenced two of us with only four words. AND I still married him! : )

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Swathi October 14, 2011 at 4:04 pm

Hi Greg,
I’ve been reading your blog for a while now. I originally found your blog through The Bloggess and I have to confess that I visit your blog more often and more regularly than hers now.
I am from India and have only been in the USA for the last 8 years. So, there are some things I cannot relate to or do not understand. For example, I know nothing of the music in this country. Even then, I could appreciate your blog about music in the 80s. I do not have any frame of reference, however, I didn’t need any because it was so funny. I’m getting addicted to your blog…..thanks a LOT for writing.
BTW, I’m super-jealous of Mrs.TellingDad because she has a husband who is still so crazy about her after so many years.

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mark @ yelling near you October 14, 2011 at 4:30 pm

Excellent post. Your influence is going to show up at the right time and my wife is going to hate you for it. Was there no reaction to the nickel bag of heroin on the list of supplements? For shame.

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valmg @ Mom Knows It All October 14, 2011 at 9:00 pm

My husband started touching the instruments in the pediatricians office and I could have killed him. You boys!

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Karen C October 14, 2011 at 11:35 pm

My pleasure. I’m used to giving impromptu consults. Ex nurse and now driving the front desk at medical rooms. Most patients expect a free consult over the phone when they call for an appt. If I ever wrote a blog about that I reckon I would ‘out-funny’ you for days.
But, hey . . don’t feel threatened.

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Apple October 15, 2011 at 2:25 am

Wow! Does this ever remind me of the time Hubs and Doc had the oral medication innuendo conversation at my last check up!

I also suffer from hypothyroid. Wacky doesn’t even begin to cover the sleep pattern issues!

Love your blog!

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meg October 15, 2011 at 6:21 am

Can I say that, I’m glad I’ve never been told I have a thyroid issue. I have plenty of others to keep my plate full of pretty shaped pills already. Ok, I exaggerate, but popping at least 3 in the morning and 3 at night, are 7 more than I want to take.

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Blythe October 15, 2011 at 12:10 pm

I don’t know how your wife lets you live.

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Melinda October 15, 2011 at 12:43 pm

Hold on!!! Did you just say you’re having another baby in the midst of all that hysterical doctoring?? Did I miss a post? Is that just to see how much we pay attention. I went back and reread that 3 times to see if I misread that. If so congrats!! :P

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Telling Dad October 15, 2011 at 4:34 pm

Oh to the hell to the no! We are most definitely done with kids. I was speaking about a prenatal appointment we had a number of years ago. The doctor was a total klutz and we we’re wondering if he was even really a doctor. It was pretty bad. No more babies for us!

Melinda October 15, 2011 at 6:50 pm

Ok phew or the next post would be from the crazy house. :) ha ha. I know I’m behind reading but I thought I’d missed a major announcement. :)

LeeAnn October 15, 2011 at 7:41 pm

You must be a real hoot to be around !

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Lesley October 15, 2011 at 9:53 pm

Wow….never letting any future husband of mine come with me to the doctor! :-D But all in all, its always good there to be with her. I love all the new posting! I have been crazy busy with school and read them all, though I don’t always have time to respond.

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Thea October 15, 2011 at 10:49 pm

Following your wife into a medical exam? Really? Short of Life-Threatening Condition Revealed, even though you’re friends with the doctor – on a professional level? Really? – I think you need to think about this.

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Telling Dad October 15, 2011 at 11:01 pm

We go everywhere together. Short of the bathroom, I suppose.

But, with medical appointments, it’s just something we have always done. It’s proven more beneficial than detrimental for sure and it’s something that won’t change. I don’t even think it’s all that weird.

LeeAnn October 16, 2011 at 2:35 pm

My husband and I always go together as well. Two heads are better than one….one of us may think of a question that the other does not and so forth. One of us may remember something that was said and the other does not. I think it’s a good strategy.

Jamie October 17, 2011 at 6:47 pm

So wait a second… what did the Doc say about the Heroin? Did he even notice? LOOSE END!!!

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Telling Dad October 17, 2011 at 6:52 pm

Oh, he was calm and cool about it. He read the list and without looking up said, “So, other than heroin, do you take any other illicit drugs?”

Heather sarcastically replied, “No, I’ve pretty much quit everything else.”

I explained that there’s a BIG difference between ‘quitting’ and ‘pausing,’ and advised that the doctor push for a drug test. Especially since she works with children.

No drug test ever came. I think she paid him off.

Titilope Fashola October 26, 2011 at 8:55 am

LMAO!!

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Queenie February 7, 2012 at 10:23 pm

Are you guys trying to crack some jokes here? It’s really hilarious knowing you had reacted in such way in your response to what the nurse had to say based on your wife’s doctors order. Talking without thinking sometimes mislead us in answering or reacting to the recipient. It’s better to think twice rather than to have an immediate reaction that sometimes what we’ve been saying is out of the blue.

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Greg - Telling Dad February 7, 2012 at 10:28 pm

I can’t tell what you’re trying to say and I’ve read it five times. But, if you’re taking a humor blog seriously, you’ll just get frustrated trying to talk sense into me. There’s no room for logic as it’s jammed with jest.

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