Cats 101

The best thing about having two cats in this household is that it means there isn’t a third.

For those unfamiliar with cats, they’re the only mammals on earth that are superior to humans in both intellect and regurgitation. While they stand only 10 inches tall, they still look down on us with great disdain, refusing to acknowledge our presence unless we’re holding a can opener.

It’s at this point that cats will launch into an over-the-top gratuitous display of false affection. They’ll weave in and out of our legs doing Figure-8′s, whiten their teeth on our pant legs, and purr-meow their way into our hearts. All in a ruse to score some kiblets of tuna. The cat who can’t get enough of your shins while you’re standing in the kitchen will soon be laying on the opposite side of the room pawing at his face in gloating satisfaction while ignoring your very existence. He’s done with you.

An interesting fact about cats is that they’re born with the only fur they’ll ever have throughout their entire lives. Unless, of course, they come into contact with furniture, linens, or flooring. All of which cause immediate and cataclysmic shedding.

Some cats, meaning all of them, are covered in fur that possesses magnetic airborne qualities. If in the vicinity of opposite-colored fabrics, fur strands will disengage from their feline host and not only adhere, but actually weave themselves into the threads of apparel. While lint rollers used to provide adequate protection from furry suits and danderpants, cat fur has evolved to where it’s nearly immune to anything short of a blowtorch.

Unlike their canine counterparts who believe we’re the most magnificent life forms on earth, cats believe we were put on this earth to fulfill their every need. Something the human race has done nothing to discredit. If the cat is hungry, we feed it. If the cat craps in a box, we scoop it. If the cat is thirsty, well, we don’t have to do a thing. Because they’ll just shove their faces into our cups and exchange cat saliva for whatever beverage we happened to be enjoying at the time.

Cats generally sleep approximately 24 1/2 hours a day, but only if they can find freshly-folded laundry, potted plants, or work-related objects being used by their man-servants, such as a keyboard or a piece of paper.

When not sleeping, cats fill their days by unabashedly cleaning between their legs and hoarsely coughing up hairballs and well-formed catfood logs comprised of unchewed Meow Mix. Occasionally, a cat will cuddle or just randomly hop upon our laps to purr and be cute. To the inexperienced cat slave, this loving behavior seems genuine. But in reality, it’s rooted solely in the desire to protect their position as house leader.

It’s common sociological knowledge that if employees don’t feel appreciated, the motivation to keep the boss happy will fade over time. Cats are intelligent enough to recognize this and know that too much take and not enough give will get real old, real quick. Thus the reason behind the feigned lovefests and routine peace offerings of headless rodents left on the front stoop.

Cats are notoriously smug, narcissistic, and borderline arrogant. But I don’t blame them. I blame the ancient Egyptians. Had cats not been the benefactors of a longstanding policy of cat worship, perhaps they wouldn’t collectively share the same sense of entitlement.

Just a few dozen centuries ago, they were on top of the world. Treated like Gods and worshiped by the masses. Humans would cast gold statues of their cats and mummify their turds in reverence. It was even a crime punishable by death to kill a cat, whether deliberately or on accident. Our cats’ ancestors had it made, and here we’re asking them to accept the submissive life of domestication?

No wonder they puke on our comforters.