Twilight – I Picked a Team!

At the risk of alienating all of my tween girl readers, I gotta say that I just don’t get all the Twilight hubbub. The pandemonium surrounding this series reminds me of my sister’s insatiable fascination with the New Kids on the Block in the mid-80′s. Only this time, women of all ages seem to be equally caught up in the rush. Fortunately for me, my wife isn’t one of them, but that doesn’t mean I don’t feel relentlessly bombarded by the mainstream media.

Maybe it’s because I’m not teeming with estrogen, or perhaps it’s because I’m not all that interested in goofy love stories, but I’m more fascinated by the fact that the author followed 15 editorial rejection letters with $40 million in income last year. That’s a lot of cabbage for a storyline that came to her in a dream.

All I really know about the series is that I’m sick of hearing about it. It’s everywhere. All this talk of “Team This” and “Team That”. Arguments over which monster should have the damsel’s heart. Blech.

I originally thought everyone in the book was a vampire, so I told everyone that I was on “Team Wooden Stake”. I even made a graphic for my team, as seen below.

Later I was told that there were also werewolves at play, thus the “Team” phenomenon. So I had to make a graphic for that in case people hated werewolves even more.

To try and wrap my head around the circus-like atmosphere that probably bewilders the author herself, I decided to learn more about Twilight so that my disdain wasn’t blind. I felt I should at least know the root cause of my nausea.

Rather than read the books (waste of time), or plunder my bank account to sit through a movie (waste of pride), I figured I’d ask the only Twilight expert I know, Kadi Prescott. She all but slept outside the theater when tickets were announced and is a known Twilight junkie.

Me: I don’t know much about this whole Twilight thing and up until your web show last week, I assumed everyone was a vampire…like The Lost Boys. Now I’m told it’s about one vampire, one werewolf, and some babe they both want to eat. Or something like that. As someone who is a total Twilight fan, can you sum up what this series is about?

Kadi: The Twilight Saga is a four part love story that includes elements of self sacrifice and choice. On a deeper level though, it is a story of a girl who realizes that she is not the ugly duckling she always thought herself to be, but a swan…hence the name, Bella Swan.

Me: Okay, but from what I understand, predators don’t seek beauty in prey. If I was a vampire, my ideal mate would be someone with a jugular vein, ugly or not. Same if I were a carnivorous werewolf. As an example, I don’t care what my cows look like so long as they’re ground. Know what I mean?

So, out of curiosity, is this girl delusional? Is she assuming she’s a swan just because two guys are fighting over who gets to make her an entree? Or is there a deeper realization that I’m missing?

Kadi: The Cullens are a rare clan of Vampires. Edward Cullen and his family consider themselves “vegetarians.” The dine only on animals, as opposed to most other vampires. The wolves are actually protectors of the human race, from the vampires. Neither suitor wants to eat Bella. They both love her.

Bella does not see how extraordinary she really is. She doesn’t understand how they can love such a plain, clumsy girl like her. She is deeply torn by her love for both Jacob Black (the wolf) and Edward (the vampire.) It isn’t an ego thing. But neither one is trying to eat her. They are both trying to protect her from the vampires who want to kill her.

Me: You lost me in a sea of smarmy, but are you saying I can call myself a vegetarian because I dine on animals? This would open a whole new realm of fun for me.

Kadi: Only if you are immortal, drink blood and sparkle in the sunlight.

Me: Has to be all three?

Kadi: Yes.

Me: Dang it.

Me: I think I get it now. There’s two kids in love with a clumsy model riddled with low self esteem. One kid has oversized incisors and the other is exceptionally hairy. She loves each of these freaks equally and can’t seem to choose between the allure of big choppers or fuzz. Do I have this right?

Oh, and if Bella truly can’t decide between big sharp teeth and body hair, couldn’t she just get the best of both worlds in Chewbacca?

Kadi: Yes and no. There really is no choice. She is meant to be with Edward, but hates breaking Jacob’s heart because she loves him as well. And BTW…vampires do not have big incisors. That is just a myth.

Me: Tell that to Count Chocula.

Me: If roles were reversed, I’d probably choose to be with a vampire because a date who sheds or scoots her butt on my rug is a real turn off for me. And if there’s a chance of contracting rabies? Date over. Plus, I’m always down for some neck nibbles. Especially from someone with experience. What about you? Who would you choose?

And if someone actually considers themselves to be on a “Team”, does this mean they’ve lost all self respect?

Kadi: My family is divided into three subsections:

Team Edward (Me, Aiden & Reed)
Team Jacob (Marlie, Daniel Jr, Trenton, Phillip & Ella)
Team Couldn’t-Give-A-Crap (Daniel Sr.)

Pledging your allegiance to a team is not indicative of a lack of self respect in any way. Of course, I’m biased so you may want to ask around!

Me: Does Bella know they are vampires and werewolves or does she think these two sparkly dudes are normal? Does she eventually develop a complex over their insistence that they not be seen with her in daylight?

Kadi: Vampires can be out in the day, just not in direct sunlight (or the sparkle factor kinda gives them away.) This is why they live in overcast areas like Alaska and Forks, Washington.

And yes, Bella knows about both the vampires and the wolves. She is privy to information that all other living humans are not. Of course, she had to figure it all out on her own. Now that she knows, however, it complicates things as the Volturi have insisted that she be changed or die. Edward does not want to change Bella, as he believes that it will mean the end of her soul. Bella wants to be changed more than anything because she wants to live forever with Edward and hates that she is aging every day, while he stays frozen at age 17.

Me: With his character being stuck at age 17, that this means the Twilight series will come to an end. Unlike the Harry Potter franchise, which I believe just released, “Harry Potter and the Order of the Proctologist”. Does this series have an eventual ending or will we forever be subjected to a never-ending string of inane sequels?

Kadi: Sadly, the Twilight Saga ends with Breaking Dawn. Stephenie Meyer lost her muse, it appears. I think that the explosion of Twilight fever ruined her desire to keep telling the story, but it also brought her immense fortune. Fame is a biotch.

Breaking Dawn will be broken into two parts for the movie, and rightfully so. Too much happens in the last book to possibly fit it into two hours. I will not ruin the ending, but I will say that it has more twists than the Alpine Coaster.

I want to thank Kadi for her insight and inexplicable passion for the stories. I now have a better understanding of why I dislike Twilight and it really just boils down to the fact that I’m a dude.

Opposite of Bella, I’m torn as to which I detest more. Do I stick with Team Wooden Stake or do I align with Team Silver Bullet? Or must I even choose? Why not fly both flags?

I’ll let you choose as well. If you’d like to fly a button on your site, feel free. And to those who are feverishly loyal to the hotties of Twilight, I’m sorry if you feel slighted by this post, but don’t blame me. Blame the testosterone.

Copy the following and insert it into your HTML:
<a href="http://www.tellingdad.com/2010/twilight" target="_blank"><img src="http://www.tellingdad.com/images/woodenstake.jpg" border="0" width="125" height="125" alt="Team Wooden Stake" ></a>


Copy the following and insert it into your HTML:
<a href="http://www.tellingdad.com/2010/twilight" target="_blank"><img src="http://www.tellingdad.com/images/silverbullet.jpg" border="0" width="125" height="125" alt="Team Silver Bullet"></a>

Happy Hunting!