Rub My Sirloins

by Telling Dad on January 19, 2010

When you envision a nice soothing massage, what comes to mind?

Lit candles? Quiet sleepytime music? The subtle aroma of exotic herbs and oils?

How about ham hocks, deer noggins, and slabs of cow?

My wife and I were driving through the winding country roads of New York when we stumbled across this gem of a home-based business. The visions it conjured up were so priceless that I begged my wife to take me back there with camera in hand.

massagepic

It’s run out of a quaint enough home in the hills of upstate New York, and while I’m sure they are super nice people, it just wouldn’t be my destination of choice for a massage. Unless, of course, I was sore from hours of tracking and dragging deer through the brush. Perhaps then I’d want to kick back and enjoy a little rub down as my deer is processed into little bundles of venison.

Part of me wanted to schedule an appointment purely for the potential comedic value but we were heading out of town too soon to make that happen. But you can bet I’ll show up next time we’re visiting my wife’s parents.

Before deer-processing massage therapists from across the country have a cow (no pun intended) know that I’m allowed to be stereotypical. We lived in that area for years and years, so I can pretty much tell you with complete accuracy how it would all go down.

As I walked through the front door I’d be greeted by the soft melodic sounds of banjos and distant band saws. I’d be given a mug of Old Milwaukee along with an old copy of Field & Stream to read while I waited.

After a quick bathroom break through the door marked “Cowpokes”, I’d be led into the massage parlor where I’d be asked to lay atop butcher paper. Glassy-eyed deer heads would stare at me from above and steaks-in-waiting would be dangling on meat hooks just outside the window.

All this considered, I’m sure the rubdown would be amazing, and that might make the nightmare-inducing ambiance worth it. After all, these people are experts in tenderizing meat, and that’s just what this knot in my back needs.

massage2

{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }

Cat January 19, 2010 at 8:09 am

Scary…very scary…I wonder how many of their massage clients have actually become the tenderized meats for sale.
.-= Cat´s last blog ..New to Whrrl – Princess Castle Cake Step by Step =-.

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Pippa January 19, 2010 at 8:09 am

You mean the one and only time I went for a massage the woman lied about why she was rubbing meat tenderiser on me?!
.-= Pippa´s last blog ..Top Ender Giggles – Death by Top Ender =-.

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karie January 19, 2010 at 8:20 am

Talk about your one stop shop…getting all your meat tenderized. Oh sorry, wrong massage parlor right?!
.-= karie´s last blog ..Going to the Mattresses with ShopNBC =-.

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Hockeymandad January 19, 2010 at 2:19 pm

I dunno, looks legit to me. In a Deliverance kind of way though…
.-= Hockeymandad´s last blog ..That was FUN! =-.

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Terri A January 19, 2010 at 4:36 pm

Git R Done!! This is so funny! How frightening that I pass this on the way to to our in-laws house! LOL Hey hunting is hard work so while you wait for your deer meat why not have…..nevermind! LOL

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Cluttered Brain January 19, 2010 at 6:06 pm

LOL! Great post! Love the girl with all the labels.

i mean really! I'm tweeting this out there again. Too funny.
.-= Cluttered Brain´s last blog ..Ohhh. The life of comments in the bloggy world. =-.

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Amanda January 20, 2010 at 3:26 am

You know what the really sad part is? Being from neighboring PA, I probably wouldn't even have noticed that sign as being odd. We see stuff like that in our daily travels all the time.
.-= Amanda´s last blog ..Settling In =-.

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Faythe January 21, 2010 at 2:54 pm

I'll have the A-1 special, whilst I chew on my free jerky…

spitttttttt

hubby has a few friends that need the address… rofl!
.-= Faythe´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday – Snow Fun!! =-.

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