Oh, Deer!

Over the past six months I’ve written a lot about my disdain for much of what we’ve experienced while here in Texas.

Scorpions that drop from the ceiling, wasps that wield harpoons for stingers, fire ants that have no purpose on earth beyond spreading venom and misery, oppressive heat, and grass that I firmly believe was genetically engineered to maim.

In our short stint in Texas we have witnessed record heat, record cold, and record rainfall. Twice. We lost our baby in the sixth month of pregnancy. We watched a guy crossing the street get run over by the car in the next lane. We had fire ants chew through our circuit breaker and cause a short. We watched our driveway get washed away in a flood. And, in true country song splendor, our dog died.

There’s more, lots more, but even with it all, we still feel blessed. Our children are healthy, we haven’t had to endure the more harrowing tragedies experienced by others, and we have the ability to get the heck out of here.

In preparation for next week’s escape move to North Carolina, Heather loaded our van with a few tons of recyclables and departed for her 20-minute drive to the recycling center. Five minutes later, Texas gave us one more kick in the groin. Just for good measure.

A deer, which had apparently given up all hope, sprinted into the street with two of her buddies and smashed head first into the side of our van, completely shattering the driver’s side window and caving in the side panel.

Thanks Texas!

When I arrived on the scene I saw three patrol cars, a dead deer, and broken glass everywhere. Ev-er-y-where. I approached the van and Kamryn was just sitting there calling my name. She didn’t care that she was covered in glassy bits. Fortunately, no injuries to her. I don’t think she cared.

Heather had a few cuts on her hands, a sore noggin from where the window hit her, and a bunch of glass in her hair, pants, shirt, and other unmentionable places. How she got glass down there I’ll never know but I’m inclined to think she was actually driving naked. I don’t care if this is true or not, just let a man daydream, okay?

One of the officers suggested I return home to fetch her some new clothes since these had to be tossed. Apparently, my little princess can’t handle getting impaled every time she slips her jeans on. I didn’t want to leave but when a man with a gun and a tazer makes a request, I tend to follow through.

I returned to see that the EMS had arrived to provide her with an on-site changing room and after they cleaned her up, she emerged in the mismatched outfit I had haphazardly plucked from the closet. She looked cute…my adorable little deer slayer.

Geico completely rocked the house and put us on the fast-track to getting the car totally repaired…body work and all…in time for our departure next week. I already use their kickin’ ringtone, “ringa ding ding ding dong”, and now I have them going to bat for me. Long live the gecko.

What follows are the photos of her literal run-in with the deer. I had no idea these cute harmless things could inflict so much damage to steel.

Ya know, I’ve been thinking. Why do all these tough and rugged guys in Texas get up at 4am, eat a side of pig, down a gallon of coffee, and then scamper off into the woods to shoot anything that moves in the hopes they hit something with antlers when all it takes is a Minivan and Main Street?