I’m Moving to Venus

by Telling Dad on November 29, 2010

I lied to the life insurance agent taking down my information for a new policy today. Not on purpose. I just didn’t realize how far I had let myself go until tonight.

He asked for my stats and I replied with 6’7″ and about 240 pounds. I explained that I used to be 235 but “I like my ice cream” so I probably packed on a few needless pounds.

After answering a few more questions he gave me my rate. $108 a month. I explained that their promotional flyer said it’d be $68 and he said I could get that rate if my weight was 237 pounds.

Three pounds? Heck, I can cut back a little bit if it means I’ll save $480 a year on life insurance. That’s $160 a pound! Over the 30-year term, that equates to $4,800 a pound. Well worth a few days of fasting.

I set my physical appointment for December 15th and joked that I’d just have the nurse weigh me naked (me, not her, unless of course, that’s an option) since I’m easily sporting three pounds worth of clothing. Realizing my wife might frown on that I opted for a brisk crash diet and figured I’d have to start easing off the ice cream and chicken wings around December 12th to make the cut.

I intended on blogging my three-pound weight loss quest as a joke and had Heather dust off the scale so I could laughingly set my “starting point”.

The scale’s display slapped me straight.

257.4

I weighed more than an eighth of a ton.

What started out as a funny “pound a day” 3-day diet turned ugly the moment those numbers flashed on the screen. Over and over and over again I tried stepping on the scale at different angles, with fewer toes, and with less clothing. Yet even as all my self-esteem flooded from my body, the scale didn’t change.

Who knew ego was weightless?

How in the world am I supposed to drop 20 pounds in 15 days? I don’t even think that’s healthy. The amount of food I have to cut out of my diet frightens me.

Say goodbye to…

- Ice Cream
- Coca-Cola
- Microwaveable Taquitos
- Happiness
- Little Debbie Christmas Cakes
- Chicken Wings
- Hot Dogs
- Joy
- Chicken Pot Pies
- Pizza
- French Fries
- Flavor

Say Hello to…

- Flax seed
- Cheerios
- Skim milk
- Longing
- Vegetables
- Oatmeal
- Soup
- Portions
- Granola
- Yogurt
- Wheat
- Hunger Pains

Coupled with a drastic diet reduction comes the need for a rigorous exercise program. While I play basketball a few days a week, it’s obviously not enough. I either need to get serious or I need to find a better alternative.

The only alternative I can find is moving to Venus. There, I’d weigh 233 pounds, well within range. Mercury’s even better at 97 pounds but I don’t want to be unreasonable. Plus, if I couldn’t handle the heat in Texas, I certainly couldn’t handle living on the planet Mercury.

So, I have 24 hours to decide what to do. I can either adopt a crash diet mentality or I can move to Venus. The latter requiring a rocket, proper trajectory, assistance from NASA, millions in funding, provisions, communications equipment, and a life insurance company in-waiting.

Still, I’m thinking.

All while I muscle down a bowl of Cheerios with skim milk.

At the time of this writing, Venus is winning.

{ 2 trackbacks }

236.0 — Telling Dad Blog
January 24, 2011 at 8:53 am
Veggie Mighten Sandwich
March 7, 2012 at 4:04 pm

{ 17 comments… read them below or add one }

Bruna November 29, 2010 at 4:58 pm

Your say hello to list of food is the same list I have to revert to since my doctor discovered my cholesterol levels are as high as a 65 year-old man.

I think you should move to Venus!

Thanks for the laugh:)

Reply

Telling Dad November 29, 2010 at 5:01 pm

I don't even want to think what my cholesterol level looks like. They asked if I felt it was in "normal" range and I replied, "Compared to sludge, yes. Humans? Not so much."

Another vote for Venus, thank you!

Reply

Candace November 30, 2010 at 12:16 am

I don't get how a 6'7 man is supposed to weigh a little over 200, you certainly don't look overweight at all to me. I still think you can drop the weight you have good determination. I hate that insurance uses weight anyway because there are healthy people that weigh more than usual!

Reply

Melinda November 30, 2010 at 12:55 am

What if you weigh inside a NASA space simulator? Or was that in the fine print? That's a good excuse for signing up for the space camp that looks so cool on the commercials. Oh my goodness you are funny with your list! Thanks for the giggle this AM. There's no blogging on Venus so sorry I have to selfishly vote no. Maybe flax seed comes in Little Debbie cake flavor.

Reply

Paula@ Frosted Finge November 30, 2010 at 1:28 am

We can lose together. I have probably 50 to go

Reply

Cheryl November 30, 2010 at 3:20 am

I have another 30 to go. Maybe you and Adam should attempt to lose weight together. He did the diet I did (I lost 60 lbs) he lost 3 lbs, he was NOT impressed, but he went to work and cheated. Venus does sound like fun though!

Reply

Mary - Scentsy Star November 30, 2010 at 7:27 am

I just couldn't resist. I decided to go online to see what the "healthy weight range" actually is for your height. Are you ready for the results?

http://www.healthcentral.com/diet-exercise/ideal-

Reply

Telling Dad November 30, 2010 at 7:57 am

These charts suck. :) I already knew I wasn't in the healthy range but 20 pounds is gonna hurt. It'll feel good in the end, I'm just not sure how long it will take for me to get there!

Reply

one cluttered brain November 30, 2010 at 10:09 am

Well you certainly look healthy to me!

And certainly not fat at all…

Good luck losing…I'm trying to to the same thing…

*sigh*

hello diet food. Goodbye fries and potato chips…

Reply

Mary - Scentsy Star November 30, 2010 at 4:23 pm

Jazzercise! (and record it for us to see) :) Now THAT would be an awesome vlog! hehe

Reply

erin November 30, 2010 at 5:04 pm

I hate BMIs – they just suck. That said, I swear my husband fluctuates that much in a week – so you can do it. If you had my husband's advice, I am pretty sure he would tell you to eat lots of egg whites and broccoli. LOL! And definitely stop that cola – you'll be surprised how much that packs on!

And isn't your wife a personal trainer? Why do you even have to worry about this! She should whip you up in shape in no time!

Reply

Laura December 1, 2010 at 8:46 pm

Don't move to Venus — the weather there is terrible. Just bring some helium balloons to your weigh-in — three and a quarter pounds or so of helium should negate about 20 pounds of your weight.

Reply

Mitchell Allen December 3, 2010 at 10:50 pm

You're not fooling me with that weight-loss cover-up. Everyone knows Men are from Mars and …. oooh! Shame on you! Unless you are moving the whole family, then that's cool. Just try not to get whiplash ;)

I don't trust insurance companies. My wife used to work for Prudential and the horror stories she tells of the company's SYSTEMATIC refusal to honor claims just sickens me.

One thing I do trust is Melinda's recommendations. She came through again, referring me to your wonderful blog.

Nice to meet you Greg, and sorry I had to blow your cover on the Venus trip. I'm just jealous.

Cheers,

Mitch

Reply

Amanda December 5, 2010 at 1:05 am

I'd want to move to Venus too. I was happy when my cholesterol levels recently came back stellar and my current issues are probably thyroid related (really!). Cholesterol levels have no bearing on weight. I'm considered overweight, and my cholesterol levels are just below "optimal." Yay for awesome genetics.

Reply

Mom December 5, 2010 at 5:27 am

Just so everyone knows, you are turning 40 on December 28. You are lucky that the weight didn't start at 30, Mine started after delivering your brother, Brian. At the ripe old age of 61, I really wish I weighed what I did in '76! GHetting older makes a big difference my love, (plus you didn't give birth 3 times!) Good luck, kiddo. I know you can do it. You always suceed when you put your mind to it…plus your incredible wife will make certain you toe (or tow) the line. Love to all and give them each a squench, Mom

Reply

Mary ~Scentsy Star C December 9, 2010 at 2:16 pm

So did you really move to Venus or what?! I need my daily laugh back. :-p

Reply

Caroline October 1, 2011 at 10:57 am

I’m so impressed that they just took your word for it. Our insurance company sent out a nurse with a scale, blood pressue cuff and a slew of needles for blood tests! Ack! nothing like the humiliation of a check-up in your own dining room.

Reply

Leave a Comment

Previous post:

Next post: