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Dougie the Perv

Dougie the Perv

by Greg on November 28, 2010

Some creepy old man who called himself “Dougie” called our home earlier today from a Private line. I’m glad I was the one to answer because this dude was obviously disturbed.

His voice cracked, he spoke like he had a big wad of cotton in his mouth, he had a heavy “country boy” drawl, and it sounded like he was suffering from the effects of years of emphysema and throat polyps.

A real charmer.

((Caller ID: Private Caller))

Me: Hello?

Dougie: (garbled unintelligible gibberish)

Me: What?

Dougie (clearing his raspy polyp-infested throat): “This hare is Duh-gie.”

Me: “Dougie? I think you have the wrong number.”

Granted, he hadn’t yet asked to speak with anyone, but I figured it was a safe bet that no one here, A) knew a Dougie; or B) knew a guy like this particular Dougie; or C) would ever share our phone number with dying Dougie.

Dougie: (more garbled unintelligible gibberish)

Me (contemplating having some fun with this): “I can’t understand anything you’re saying, Dougie.”

Dougie: “I said I’m sittin’ hare nekkid in yer bushes.”

Me (total knee-jerk response): “A little cold out there, no?”

Dougie: “I’m wearing a tube sock.”

Me (after a pause of disbelief): “Okay, so one foot is toasty warm and the rest of you is shivering in our bushes?”

Dougie: (garbled unintelligible gibberish)

Me: “Dougieeee, if you’re going to prank call, try some cough drops first, okay?”

Dougie: “I said I ain’t wearin’ the tube sock on ma foot.”

Me (done with Dougie): “Well, Dougie, have fun. Hey, since you’re already out there, think you could trim our bushes and then use the hedge clippers on your johnson? You’d be doing me and the entire world a favor.”

Dougie: “You wanna see it?”

Me: “We don’t even have bushes, Dougie. So like I said, you have the wrong number. Try our neighbors. They have some cozy looking evergreens out there.”

Dougie then hung up on me. Either he realized I wasn’t going to give him the rise he’d hoped for, or he took my advice and is now sitting in our neighbor’s evergreens.

I wish I had recorded it but I wasn’t prepared for that kind of call. If he does make a repeat appearance, I really need to record it. Not for the cops, but for my blog. I’m just wondering how to record a phone call since we don’t have an answering machine. I’m thinking I’ll put him on speaker and keep my FlipCam close by to record.

Think that will work? Anyone know of a better idea?


Melinda November 28, 2010 at 5:27 pm

Ha ha!!! What a great response. Maybe he realized how old school phone prank calling is, with the internet and all, and he's contemplating a new career path thanks to you. Although I'd avoid any lawn service with a tubesock logo.

Telling Dad November 28, 2010 at 5:32 pm

@Rob – I'll look into that but the speakerphone may be easier. 🙂 Oh, and the last thing I'm worried about is violating Dougie the Perv's right to anonymous harassment.

@Melinda, I had almost commented how I thought prank calling was a thing of the past with the advent of the internet. There are so many forums, chat rooms, and other nonsense that people can troll on that I'm shocked this old dude was still using the telephone.

But, I left it out to try and do a short post for once. 🙂

rob zinke November 28, 2010 at 5:30 pm

get a free google voice account, they actually let you record now. but in the us i think its actually illegal to record a phone call without the other persons knowledge.

Christy November 28, 2010 at 6:54 pm

that is awesome! I just read this post to my husband, lol!

karen November 29, 2010 at 12:46 am

I would have been laughing too hard to respond.

one cluttered brain November 29, 2010 at 3:27 am

oh my goodness! serves dougie right. Ew.

Geez. Some people.

I hope he calls back so you can record him for your blog…lol.

That would be hilarious!

Lisa Brown November 29, 2010 at 6:12 am

OMG! How disturbing… yikes… just yikes! Good thing you were there to answer that call!

Mary - Scentsy Star November 29, 2010 at 8:48 am

The really funny part of this is that the only thing you are worried about is recording him. haha.

I think that would work. Do you have an iPhone? Could you put him on speakerphone while running the "voice memo" program?

Telling Dad November 29, 2010 at 11:37 am

Hahaha, yeah, but Dougie sounded harmless and quite weak. I love the "voice memo" idea. I think my Droid X does that. I haven't really explored it beyond Angry Birds.

Mitchell Allen December 10, 2010 at 11:16 pm

Greg, will I be banned from your blog for pointing out that Dougieeee probably saw your Twitter ad at the top … and took it to heart?




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