High-level Chicken and Cattle leaders meeting in Farmville to build a “common future” together issued a joint statement Wednesday to show solidarity in condemning the deadly attack on a herd of cows in rural Clark County, Ohio on Tuesday.
The domesticated leaders, who were attending a conference on “Beyond the Dinner Plate: Building a Common Future”, said they “condemn this act which contradicts the treaty that has allowed cows and chickens to peacefully coexist for centuries.”
Early Tuesday, an extremist group of free-deranged chickens lured the herd onto railroad tracks with a carefully coordinated arrangement of salt licks. The ILD’s (Improvised Licking Devices) attracted a crowd of cattle in the early morning hours. Soon after, a freight train plowed into the group ultimately killing 20 heads of cattle.
The Red Army of Junglefowl, which later claimed responsibility, issued a statement Tuesday evening that blamed Chick-fil-A’s “flagrant disregard for the established peace accord” as the motivation behind the attack.
General Poppycock, the group’s leader, vowed to continue the violence unless the international bovine community pledged to curtail the call to…..
“The constant barrage of propaganda that systematically calls for the slaughter of innocent chickens can no longer go ignored,” said Poppycock.
He continued, “Do you see chickens demanding that cows be pressed into patties? That cows be mixed with semi-edible paste and then converted into nuggets? That a cow’s relevancy in the world should be reduced to postmortem menu photos?”
The Mayor of Farmville, who also attended the conference, stated that the perpetrators and supporters of this heinous act have no place among the chickens and roosters who have long honored the established barnyard values that call for dignity, peace, and tolerance for all species.
“At the end of the day, we’re all just one Happy Meal away from the great big barn in the sky,” he stated, “so I just don’t understand why we can’t work together to make the most of our time on earth. Happiness can be achieved but only if we appreciate, and not ridicule, our cultural and religious differences.”
Already, the fallout from the attack has impacted farm tours and hayrides across the country. Tourists afraid of being caught in the crossfire between rival factions are instead opting to visit strawberry patches and lettuce farms. Destinations which have remained free of violence since Chiquita Banana and The Jolly Green Giant brokered the “Plant the Seed” peace accord at the V8 Summit.
Global leaders are now convinced that a video recently released by the reclusive General Poppycock was actually a veiled warning of the impending attack.
Video Excerpt: “Since the dawn of time our race has been used as an insult to infer that someone is cowardly or afraid. Soon, we will make everyone question this belief. In due time, our bravery will no longer be mocked. Foghorn Leghorn willing, the brave chickens and roosters of the Red Army of Junglefowl will see to it that being called a ‘chicken’ will invoke a sense of pride. Not embarrassment.”
Commenting on criticism from left- and right-winged chickens over the apparent lapse in security, a Clark County spokesperson replied, “Hindsight is always 20/20 and we never thought chickens were capable of organizing such a coordinated attack. Let alone fluid thought.”
When pressed for assurances of justice, she continued, “Understand this, if nothing else, the perpetrators behind this incident will fry. Literally.”
A lobbyist in attendance from KFC nodded in agreement and then waved an empty fryer basket at the crowd, eliciting cheers and applause.
Investigators aren’t releasing any details regarding their investigation but an anonymous source revealed that chicken hawk drones are scouring the countryside for evidence of the group.
“I don’t want to say all chickens look alike, but seriously, they all look alike.” He continued, “So we ask for the community’s patience as we pursue justice. We also ask that cows remain vigilant when chewing cud and wandering aimlessly around the pasture.”
Asked to comment about the incident, a spokesperson for PETA replied, “Animal-on-animal cruelty is an issue we’d like to take very seriously, but seeing how there is no precedent outside a predator-prey relationship, we ask for patience as we determine which celebrity will pose nude for an upcoming ‘Animal Love’ advertorial.”