The Juror

by Greg on September 16, 2009

jurornameMy wife was selected to be a juror even after I gave her ten surefire ways to get out of it.

Personally, I think she just wanted to wear the ginormous “JUROR” button she saw people mackin’ around the courthouse.

I think it’s adorable that she’s all civically jazzed to wear it and I don’t have the heart to tell her that it looks she’s wearing a giant dinner plate on her chest. The judge explained that its burdensome size ensures that people won’t speak to jurors as they wander around the halls of justice.

The judge further explained that all she can say to others is, “Hello”.

Nothing else.

Outside the courthouse she can say whatever she wants, aside from facts about the case, but inside the courthouse? She’s required to be a mute.

She’s taking it all so serious, which is absolutely adorable, and I’m having way too much fun annoying her with probing questions that I know she can’t answer. She won’t even tell me what color shoes the guy is wearing. Or if it’s even a guy! And here I thought our marriage held no secrets. If we can’t share insider knowledge about the accused, where’s the fun?

On the plus side, she’s being paid $40 a day to sit on the jury. While the forty bucks is a nice gesture, it only makes up for about 30 minutes of lost income and my daughter refuses to allow me to get anything done.

To counter the hit we’re taking financially, I’ve derived a plan to make this whole experience more rewarding.

I figure if I can convince Heather to be the sole holdout for like three months, we’ll have an extra $3,600 just rollin’ around in our bank account.

Taking it a step further, what’s a Mercedes cost these days? $80,000? Bam. A strategic 2,000 day holdout and it’s ours.

As I kissed her goodbye this morning, my parting words were, “Make it happen, Cap’n!”

I’m pretty sure she won’t. I could see it in her patriotic eyes and hear it in her “you’re such a dork” voice. She’s actually enjoying this and it baffles me.

I still think she should have taken my advice and escaped the clutches of 8+ hours of daily testimony. Even though she didn’t take advantage of my devious genius, I’m going to share my pearls of wisdom with you.

Next time you’re summoned for pre-trial jury selection, just break out one of these gems:

1. Ask if you’ll be able to get a copy of the transcript because you like to include your husband when it comes to important decisions.

2. Ask if the verdict will affect how much you’re paid.

3. Explain that you have children and can recognize guilt like that (snap your fingers for added effect).

4. Take a Magic 8-Ball and shake it vigorously when answering questions. For example, when asked if you can be impartial, shake it up, look down, and reply, “All signs point to yes!” Responding with “Ask again later” should also have the desired effect.

5. Address the prosecutor as Sugar Buns.

6. When asked if you promise to “tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth”, explain that you’re not deaf and that you heard him the first time.

7. Wear a shirt that reads, “I sent someone to the pokey and all I got was this stupid t-shirt”.

8. Plead the 5th.

9. Feign narcolepsy and shout “Fry ‘im!” when awakened by the bailiff.

10. Take along a “That Was Easy” Staples button and press it every time an attorney appears satisfied with your answer.

Go ahead…try it.

Attorney: Have you ever been convicted of a felony?

You: Convicted? No. Not at this time.

Attorney: Thank you.

You…

{ 20 comments }

Gena Morris September 16, 2009 at 3:38 am

LMAO Greg!! You seriously crack me up! Hope she isn't in Jury duty for long. I think it would be kind of fascinating unless it was a murder trial. I dont' do well with dead people. 🙂
.-= Gena Morris´s last blog ..I NURSE IN PUBLIC =-.

Cheryl September 16, 2009 at 3:38 am

LMAO! Good luck to Heather and jury duty! Too bad she won't tell you about the case though, I'd be too nosy for my own good!
.-= Cheryl´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday- Our Family =-.

Mr. Blonde September 16, 2009 at 5:32 am

Of course this gives you the chance to reply "Jury's still out." whenever anyone asks where your wife is. And, if you ever get called to your civic duty, you can feel free to use all the "hung jury" jokes you want while in the courtroom men's lounge.
.-= Mr. Blonde´s last blog ..Giveaway: Zhu Zhu Pets hampsters & play set =-.

Telling Dad September 16, 2009 at 5:40 am

@Mr Blonde – I already burned up the "hung jury" angle when I told Heather that the reason I wasn't chosen is because they didn't want to start out with a hung juror. She just rolled her eyes.

@Cheryl – I am definitely nosy and I've asked her about 40 questions. 39 were just to annoy her.

@Gena – I'm not sure how fascinating it is because I'm almost certain it's not entertaining like Judge Judy.

Lisa September 16, 2009 at 12:06 pm

Bwahahaha! My husband said jury duty was like a week long vacation…with really boring scenery. And he wasn't even selected! It's because he figures they were mostly drug cases and he thinks drugs should be legalized. It's the Libertarian in him.
.-= Lisa´s last blog ..I heart Craigslist! =-.

Leah Rubin September 16, 2009 at 2:09 pm

Yeah, jury duty is our responsibility, but it's kind of like shingles: some people never get it, and others seem to get it at least once a year… That's the part I can't figure out. But your advice is sage, as always, not to mention hilarious!
.-= Leah Rubin´s last blog ..Have an Ice Day =-.

Cat @ 3 Kids and Us September 16, 2009 at 7:04 pm

That was too funny. I've never been called up for jury duty but did get some pre-screener letter in the mail a few months ago threatening me to fill it out in 10 days or else…I filled it out and added the part about being married to a police officer in hopes that would be enough to disqualify me.
.-= Cat @ 3 Kids and Us´s last blog ..Scott Naturals Green Done Right Giveaway =-.

LISA September 17, 2009 at 5:36 am

Awesome post as always Greg, I think jury duty would be fun . I personally don't think I could do it , i have strong beliefs with things and if it was something I strongly disagree with I would be guilty from the start. I think it would drive me crazy if my spouse was on duty , I to would want to know what it was about it would drive me nuts! Have a great day with your daughter !
.-= LISA´s last blog ..Mom Blogs =-.

Jamie September 17, 2009 at 6:50 am

LMAO if only those excuses would work without being held in contempt! My personal fave was the eight ball. Since I've been married I've been summoned to Jury Duty at least 4 times. I only went once though. After that I've managed to get excused from attending. WooHoo!
.-= Jamie´s last blog ..Fruit Or House? =-.

Cindi @ Moomette&#03 September 19, 2009 at 11:28 am

Too funny, and I'm definitely remembering these tips! I got called to go to Jury Duty September 29th. Last time I was called for JD, I got voie dired twice in one day. They don't want me (hopefully) – paralegal by profession. Plus, we have all kinds of crazy cases going on in CT right now!
.-= Cindi @ Moomette's Magnificents´s last blog ..Last Shot At Summer Before Leaf-Peeping Season – Maine Vacationland =-.

Luv2CUSmile December 17, 2009 at 6:48 pm

LOL- I am just enjoying all of your archive posts and this is another I just had to comment on.

Oh! & the best is #10- "That was easy"-

Because I used it at work. I was a Business Manager and never could get some of my employees to do some of their basic duties. We used the PA system quite a lot- I would be on their butt's constantly until it was done… Then I would "That was Easy" over the PA- LMAO They would hate it because everyone knew what it meant. Heehee- All in fun but I love my Staples button. Now I use it at home w/ the kids. (they hate it too) LMAO!

Shasta Walton March 4, 2010 at 2:43 pm

Where oh where do you get this stuff 🙂
.-= Shasta Walton´s last blog ..More Dollar Deals & Publix Coupons – Thanks Kay! =-.

Jen-Eighty MPH Mom January 11, 2012 at 9:27 am

THIS is classic Greg stuff! I laughed so hard at your suggestions. I have jury duty later this month, and I will have to remember these ideas 🙂

Tammy January 11, 2012 at 10:14 am

Too funny Greg! I am going to try the 8 ball next time I get called! 🙂

Jenn @therebelchick January 11, 2012 at 3:36 pm

That was pretty hilarious!

jenny January 12, 2012 at 12:22 pm

Haha… that’s great! I’ve never done jury duty and don’t really want to. My excuse each time has been giving birth or breastfeeding. 🙂

Brandy January 12, 2012 at 7:04 pm

ROFLMAO you crack me up!!!!! Seriously, thanks I needed it tonight!

Lorie Shewbridge January 13, 2012 at 11:57 am

Damn, if I wasn’t permanently excused from jury duty because of my disability, these would have been fantastic excuses.
LOVE IT!!!

Penelope January 13, 2012 at 2:24 pm

I don’t think you’re paid for weekends, so it’s more like $2600 🙂 That’ll get you a 7 year old Camry anyway.

Courtney September 13, 2012 at 2:18 pm

This is probably the best advice I’ve ever received. Haha!

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