Richer than rich. We’re talking, “I wish I had an uncle in Switzerland so that I could hide all this cash” rich.
Grab a pen and some paper because I can only divulge this secret once. Are you ready?
Do the exact opposite of whatever I do.
Simple as that.
There are no charts to mess with, no trends to study, and no data to sift through. Simply call to find out what I’m doing and act accordingly. If I’m about to buy? Wait a few days and you’ll get it cheaper. If I’m about to sell? Buy the ever-lovin’ daylights out of the stock because it’s primed to soar.
I single-handedly have the ability to grant or deplete fortunes based solely on the moves I make in my Scottrade account. I’m thinking I might actually be a witch. At the very least, I’m cursed, as is any company unfortunate enough to see me as a stockholder.
Whereas King Midas turns everything he touches into gold, Jester Greg turns everything he touches into dust. It’s a bewildering phenomenon, but money actually bursts into flames in my presence. I’m a walking example of paranormal financial activity.
Let’s take a quick look at how I managed to take $1,000 and reduce it to rubble.
One fateful day in mid-October I had a feeling that Ford was primed for a rebound because they were the only U.S. auto company without a tin cup in their hand. Even though this was the extent of my research, I went ahead and bought $1,000 worth of Ford stock at $2.14 a share with the intention of holding it for months, or even years.
On October 21, 2008, just five days later, the price dropped to $2.03 and I panicked like it was the second coming of the Great Depression. The smart 1/20th of my brain was telling me to wait…that I had only lost about $46. The dumb 19/20th of my brain told me that I’d be selling apples from a cart and standing in a bread line if I didn’t get out NOW.
The dumb majority of my brain won out and I sold all of my Ford shares at $2.03 on what I referred to as Black Tuesday.
Wanting to recoup my losses like some degenerate gambler, I snooped around and ultimately decided to sink all my cash into Lear, a company that made automotive parts. At least, they used to. Before I killed them.
Based on Lear’s “up and down chart” (which is about as descriptive as I can be) I figured it was primed to rise. So I put all my eggs in one basket and sunk my remaining stock market cash into Lear at $1.85 per share.
Shortly thereafter, Lear warned that it would have to file for bankruptcy if it didn’t get some sweet concessions. They also filed notice that all top-level executives had sold off their remaining shares. I’m no expert but I saw that as a bad sign. It didn’t take long for the bottom to drop and I ended up selling at a paltry $.77 per share.
Apparently, I wasn’t satisfied with the automotive industry only sucking away half of my bankroll because I inexplicably put the balance into GM at $1.44 a share. There had been some rumblings of another bailout and I suppose I was hoping for a Ford-like climb.
THREE hours later, yes…THREE hours later, GM stated they were going bankrupt. Somehow, I still managed to sell at $1.03. Lucky for me, it seems someone hadn’t yet gotten the memo.
By this time, Ford had climbed to $6 a share and even Lear had rebounded after getting the concessions they sought. Seeing how I could have tripled our money inside of six months, I endured verbal beat downs and ridicule from my wife over the trail of tickertape my waffling had produced.
Ignoring history, and being a glutton for punishment, I calculated that Lear was out of the woods and primed for a return to their $2+ days. Like a knight driving the final blow through the heart of the dragon, I sunk what remained of my stock market money into Lear at $1.14 a share.
Not ten days later, Lear formally announced that they were indeed going bankrupt. Somehow I managed to eke out a sale at $.96 per share…probably to the same rube who bought my GM stock.
A few days later I ended up purchasing Anthracite Capital (forget cars…let’s dance in the lush fields of mortgages…man, I’m an idiot). I snagged this stock at $.81 a share after it had fallen from $1.05. I thought the ol’ “up and down chart” looked promising. I like valleys because I always assume a peak is on the way. Turns out this is a complete fallacy.
Only three days after my Anthracite Capital purchase, their stock plummeted to $.54, and I decided to throw in the towel. I was done selling and I was just going to wait it out. Clearly, the stock market wasn’t for me. If it rebounds, great, but I’ve already declared the remaining money dead.
Starting account value? $1,000
Current account value? $297
Account value if I had just kept Ford? $3,572
Today, Anthracite Capital is teetering on the verge of bankruptcy and hovering at about $.73 a share. Yep, another loss. I’m expecting a chastising call from their president shortly. Perhaps companies will pay me to not buy their shares?
You already know I’m not a car guy. I’m also not a tool guy, a bar guy, a bug guy, or a home repair guy. With all of these ‘guy’ inadequacies it’s only fitting that I add the fact that I’m not a finance guy into the mix.
After all, in under eight months I managed to lose $700+, kill two companies, and take a third to the brink of failure. On the plus side, I personally saved Ford by selling all of my shares before my Black Hand of Certain Financial Death could wield its power. At the very least, this should be worth a thank you from Ford in the form of a free vehicle. It’s the least they can do.
And if I don’t get it? I’ll have to seriously consider buying a few shares of their stock just to teach them a lesson. In fact, based on my experience, this might be the only way for me to profit from the stock market…witchcraft and extortion.