SUBSCRIBE VIA RSSSettle in. This is a long one.
While I intend to always focus on the positive aspects of life, I don’t want to do this at the risk of hiding from the negative.
Today, my wife’s family experienced a tragedy that I still can’t wrap my head around and I’m so incensed that the system failed my wife’s cousin and her children that I felt compelled to write about it.
Last year, my wife’s cousin Marci filed for divorce from her abusive husband. Even though he repeatedly threatened that he would put her in a grave if she ever left him, she did what victims of domestic violence are told to do. She stayed strong, stayed courageous, and put her children’s well-being first. She got out of the situation and relied on the courts and authorities to protect her.
The court system, in typical turnstile justice fashion, doled out a two-year probation to the convicted abuser and decreed that he was to have no contact with Marci beyond text messages regarding the children. When are judges going to learn that a piece of paper can’t stop evil?
Over the ensuing months, she did as she was told. She changed her name, kept her location private, and went about her life as a teacher. Over time, her ex’s behavior become more and more erratic. And even after repeated threats, psychotic episodes, and pleas to maintain supervised visits, a magistrate saw it proper to grant her ex-husband unsupervised visitation.
This morning, at 5:30am, the unsupervised visitation turned tragic. Macy, 5, and James, 3, were strapped into their car seats by a man they were born to trust. He drove to Marci’s mother’s home, entered, and shot her multiple times. She died later that morning.
Two minutes after a 911 call was placed by a neighbor about hearing gunshots, another 911 call was placed by Marci. Her ex-husband was trying to break into her home. She screamed for help and begged for the police to come. What makes it more brutal is that she said she could see her children in the backseat of his car. He didn’t get through the door, even after shattering the glass, and sped off through the yard.
Police knew the situation was dire and did their best to locate him. Which they did outside his apartment. For two grueling hours we prayed that the children would be found unharmed. Excruciatingly enough…our prayers went unanswered. The children were slain while still strapped in their seats at the hand of their own father. A man who was more focused on causing unimaginable pain than on the value of the lives he helped bring into this world.
The last update on Marci’s Facebook page is a post begging for prayers. She said her ex was acting crazy all night and that he had the children. She said she was terrified. I can only imagine. Next to this post is a photo of a loving mother and her two beautiful children. The children were her life. And now, because the system placed its trust in a man who made constant threats, she is left with pure devastation.
The only solace is that those two children are embraced by their grandmother and the open arms of God in heaven.
A man is supposed to protect his children and shield them from harm. I would die for my children and can’t comprehend how someone can be filled with so much hate and rage that he feels his own babies deserve the wrath of his demons.
I am so tired of the threat of domestic violence being dismissed in a flurry of shuffled papers and court orders. You can’t plead with the abused to walk away from threatening situations if you can’t protect them. How many more battered women and slain children does society need to see before more laws are put in place to treat the offenders as offenders? How are women supposed to feel safe when rage can’t be bound by a restraining order?
Who deserved the benefit of the doubt here? Marci, who lived in fear? Macy and James IV, who lived in innocence? Or her ex-husband, a man convicted of domestic violence less than a year ago?
The courts failed Marci. The courts failed Margaret. The courts failed Macy. The courts failed James IV. And the courts failed all the women who read about the tragedy and became too afraid to escape their own situation.
I’m not naive enough to think that domestic violence would cease with the passing of stricter laws. But I also believe that not passing stricter laws because of this belief is putting the lives of women and children at risk.
As I was laying in bed with our 1-year old daughter and silently promising her as she slept that nothing would harm her so long as I could draw a breath, I began to think about what we could do.
And I felt helpless.
I still feel helpless. But tomorrow, I’m going to reach out to some advocacy groups and ask what we can do. We have the foundation for a wonderful resource here at Womb to Bloom and we’re blessed to have so many moms, dads, professionals, and families starting to connect. I know that as our numbers grow, so will our strength, and I’m hoping people will rally behind the call when it’s made.
If only for a moment, live 30 seconds as Marci’s shadow. Close your eyes and think of the above happening to you and your children. Too difficult? Too painful?
Just remember…these visions are her reality.
UPDATE (07/21/09): After speaking with an advocacy group and then a few domestic violence shelters, an idea hit, and the Sweet Dreams Fund was born. You can view the details at http://www.tellingdad.com/sweet-dreams-fund/ if you’d like to help spread the word.
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{ 51 comments… read them below or add one }
I am so sorry for your families loss. I can’t imagine or know the right words to say.
Genevieve
I am so very sorry. There is pain in life that is truly unbearable. Sometimes, there are no words. Please know that you and your family are not alone in your grief.
My heart breaks for Marci. I have no words. I’ll pray for the ones lost, and for the ones remaining.
Thank you everyone for your comments. It helps Heather a lot and she’s going to be flying out to be with her family for a week. I can’t imagine how emotional that visit will be. Marci’s ex will be arraigned tomorrow and hopefully that will be the start of swift justice.
This is such a critical topic to discuss because it may just help some other woman realize the outcome of accepting an abusive relationship. There is a lesson to be learned here and thank you, Greg, for being so candid in your effort to teach others, despite your pain.
I am so sorry for your loss!
How very brave of you to share this pain and tragedy with us, your new community. My heart goes out to Marci, you and your family.
I am so so sorry for your loss, words cannot convey…I had a friend in high school whose father shot her mother and a stranger trying to help her, then shot himself. As tragic as this is I can’t fathom how senseless and horrible it would be to include the children. My heart breaks and my blood boils. If there’s anything I can do, please let me know.
Oh, how awful! My heart breaks for you. You and your family are in my thoughts. What is wrong with people! This was his family!
I absolutely do not understand how you can hurt a child! It is unfathomable to me that revenge, jealousy and possessiveness can be so blinding as to make you kill your own flesh and blood. I have more of an understanding of women suffering through severe postpartum depression hurting their children than what this psycho did. At least they have a a verifiable illness, this man was just…I have no words.
I cried reading this article. You were very brave to publish it for us to read, thank you. Maybe you can effect some change in the laws, Lord knows it is needed. Everything happens for a reason, even when we can’t fathom why God would allow this to happen. God has a plan. Maybe He didn’t want those precious babies to grow up in such abuse and fear. I don’t know, only He does.
I will pray for your family. Just know that they are all in Heaven now, together, happy and living without fear.
God be with you all.
Thank you everyone. Looks as though he confessed, although I’m not sure anything would have been all that difficult to prove. We’re just shocked that this kind of evil exists and can’t fathom how someone can be so cruel, so heartless, and so misguided.
http://www.cantonrep.com/breaking/x313680840/Police-Slaying-suspect-confesses-admits-bearing-ill-will-toward-ex-wife
Thank you all for your prayers. Margaret was my younger sister. Reach out and touch your children and grandchildren. The beautiful girls above are my daughter and granddaughter. Our family has held on to each other and our friends a lot since yesterday as we have in the past. Last night when my son’s children arrived home from their daily routines, I was able to hug all of them as I had their father and mother earlier in the day. I only wish that each of my siblings could have done the same. Again, thank you for your thoughts during this tragic time.
Greg – I’m at a loss for words. You know I’m here if you need an ear. So sorry for your family’s loss.
What a horrible tragedy. I’m so sorry. It’s very frustrating that he was allowed unsupervised visits.
What a shocking tragedy! As a domestic abuse survivor myself (many years ago), I have first hand experience in how these sick men (women, too, in some cases) can just spiral out of control. And you are absolutely right, Greg: Laws and restraining orders can’t control evil! And judges who grant unsupervised visits in the face of evidence of their extreme danger should be held personally responsible.
My prayers are with you and your entire family.
I am so sorry for David and his family’s loss. This is a tragic story and I pray for them everynight to give them strength. I spoke to my brother Greg and sister in law only hours after this tragedy happened and I could only imagine their pain. I have a three year old daughter and after work that night I squeezed her so tightly and just cried. My thoughts and prayers are with you all.
My heart truly goes out to your entire family. Maybe now part of your wonderful website can be used to offer resources to women & children in danger from domestic violence. Many blessings to you in these emotional days to come. My prayers & sympathies.
To update…the family is together and the wake for the three innocent lives lost was held this evening. More than 1,000 people visited to pay their respects and a candlelight vigil was held afterward by community members. Truly touching.
I have been hard at work to complete the framework for a program that we will be unveiling and supporting through Womb to Bloom. We have reached out to a number of domestic violence shelters to analyze their needs and I think the program we’re establishing will touch so many lives. I’ll post more details separately once we have everything in order.
Thank you all so much!
My heart is broken for your family. I cannot even begin to imagine the pain. I promise to pray for your family in hopes that God will comfort you all now and in the future.
Oh my goodness, Greg. I am so sorry for your family’s loss.
I cannot seem to grasp what is going on in certain individuals minds. I am so sorry for the loss of your family members. This just breaks my heart, I will be happy to do anything I can to help….post for a certain organization, anything.
We will be announcing a program we’re piloting next week and we would LOVE your involvement. It’s simple and easy, but very powerful, so we hope people take to it. More details soon!
Thank you for sharing that openly. Our family suffers the death of a loved one at the hands of an abuser and 15 yrs later it may as well have happened yesterday. We fear his release as he is up for parole. It is true that the system meant to protect often requires you to do things (like visitation) that are so unsafe. Even AFTER a murder, our family had to share custody with this evil until he went to jail a year later… can you imagine?
Even having lived through this, I cannot imagine having to live through that happening to children. It seems unthinkable even in the evilest of hearts.
Prayers to the mother – what an unbelievable thing to carry around in your heart…
Thank you for sharing this story with us. I’m trying to come up with words to articulate the profound sorry that I feel for you and your family but I’m speechless but thank you for not keeping this story a secret and for shining a spotlight on how disgraceful the legal system can treat those who suffer from domestic violence.
I just don’t even know what to say. I expected that someone in your family had passed away but I never imagined that this is what I’d be reading. I can’t even begin to imagine what your family is going through. I’m so sorry for the loss of these innocent lives and the pain your family is left with.
What a horrible, tragic ordeal your family has been through!! I can’t wrap my mind around why someone would be compelled to do such an evil, evil thing. My heart goes out to you, your wife, Marci, and your entire family as you heal. Please let me know the details of the program.
Thank you everyone, so very much, and Marlo, the Sweet Dreams Fund that sprang from this is available on the site at http://www.tellingdad.com/sweet-dreams-fund/
From your previous messages regarding this situation, I knew it was bad, but I couldn’t fathom how absolutely terrible it was. I can’t even begin to express my sorrow & horror about this whole situation. All I can say is that you, your wife & your families are all in my prayers.
This is the worst of all possible tragedies… the lives of two innocent children taken at the hand of someone who is completely out of control.
I can only pray for the victims and the survivors…
My prayers are with you………
I truly believe that those who commit domestic violence should have to undergo a treatment program and live in a facility where they can be monitored — not out roaming the street and pretending there is nothing wrong with them. Violence is what happens when they snap!! I’m very sorry that innocent lives were taken needlessly.
What a complete and utterly horrible failure of the system. I’m so sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with your whole family, especially Marci at this time. Just so senseless.
John 5:28 “Do not marvel at this, because the hour is coming in which all those in the memorial tombs will hear his voice (29) and come out, those who did good things to a resurrection of life, those who practiced vile things to a resurrection of judgment. (30) I cannot do a single thing of my own initiative; just as I hear, I judge; and the judgment that I render is righteous, because I seek, not my own will, but the will of him that sent me.”
Just know that my prayers are with you and your family…I too was once a victim of Domestic Violence…before I was one of Jehovah’s Witnesses, and was told on several occasions from family members that one day I was going to end up in a body bag. Marci and her children will be in my thoughts and prayers today.
If there is anything that I can do…please ask!
I am so sorrry for you and your family’s great loss. I will continue to pray for Marci and that god will give her the strength to get through each day.
I lost my son when he was 12 and it was like dying myself. I am so sorry and I will keep you in my prayers.
This so horribly tragic and sad. And I am angry, too! My sincerest apologies for
this tragedy! Certainly the only solace is, as you said, the children are in the arms of their grandmother, surrounded by the love of God in Heaven.
Blessings of peace to you and your family.
Kim Mosny, CPM, LM
Richmond VA
I’m so incredibly sorry for your family’s loss. I can’t fathom the loss of a child – which can only be made worse by the horribly tragic chain of events. Marci and her children are very much in my prayers.
This makes my heart so very sad. Unfathomable.
I am so profoundly sorry for the horror and devastation your family is going through. Thank you so much for having the courage to share this important story with us.
unimaginable! So sorry for you and your family. I applaud your taking this horrible situation and bringing some good out of it.
How truly devastating. I am sobbing as I sit here thinking about it. As a mother I find this situation so unfathomable – I cannot begin to imagine what Marci is going through. I appreciate your sharing, and my thoughts are with you all.
There are no words…it’s so heartbreaking.
I was married to an abusive man, and am so very glad we never had kids that would potentially be harmed by him. Even though we’ve been divorced for many years, to this day I still fear him, and hope that I never run into him and have the potential that he would ‘make good’ on his threats if I left him, because I have no doubt that he would. Which is one of the reasons I moved thousands of miles away from where he is.
Thank you for sharing the story – and thank you for starting the Sweet Dreams Fund – I’m off to check the link now!
I am very sorry to hear about your family!!!
I am speechless.
This is a hideous tragedy, and my thoughts and prayers are with you.
Jessica Gottlieb´s last blog ..Breastfeeding Will Not Bring Out The Perverts
I’m in tears.
I am so very very sorry.
This is unspeakably horrible but, thank you for sharing it. Only through the sharing, the screaming, the speaking of these things.. can the future be changed.
I’m so sorry, so unbelievably sorry that it wasn’t in time for those precious children.
Like others, I have no words. Unimaginable is the first thing springing to my mind, though I know those are thoughts in my parenting/married bubble. And that, is as shameful as the story above. It is so contrite to say, but adding your family in my prayers and very unlike my church teaches, I pray for vindication.
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I am so terribly sorry for your loss. Prayers for your family to stay strong and deal with what has to be dealt with.
It is not much, but I have a Safe Sunday link up- It specifically deals with child prevention and abuse, but your post has really touched me and as it deals with children if you would like to help spread the word you are welcome to (I made the Mr. Linky public so anyone can snag it). Again, I know it is not a lot, but if it helps one person know where to go for help when dealing with a family in crisis I believe it is worth it.
Dddiva´s last blog ..Safe Sunday 8/9 Break the Cycle – Recognizing and Preventing Child Abuse.
This is an un necessary , reprehensible and heinous scene that repeats itself constantly in North America and elsewhere. So many have lost their children – if not to a murderous abuser, then to a soul-murdering sexual abuser. I hope you may find a way to turn your pain into action and a voice to join countless mothers (in particular) who seek to put an end to this unimaginable and horrendous scourge in our society. I am sorry for the pain you are and will be experiencing.There truly are no words- but somehow we need to find them-
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I am sorry for your family and I (and my family) will be praying for you guys to get through this. Take a small amount of piece in knowing that he will have to answer for what he has done. I don’t mean with the courts. As a Police Officer in Texas, for almost 20 years, it sickens me to say that I have seen more of these than I care to admit. Your right something needs to be done. I have posted this on my facebook page for all to read. If there is anything that I, or any of my friends, can do to help please don’t hesitate to ask.
God bless you!
Officer Brian D. McBride
Dallas, Texas
Greg, I’m so very sorry for your family’s’ loss. I will never understand how one can harm children.
My thoughts are with you and your family.
We never really talked about why you were involved in Sweet Dreams fund. I’m so sorry for your family and if there is anything we can do to help don’t hesitate to ask!!
WOW, I am so sorry for your families loss. I can’t imagine the pain she must be feeling due to this senseless action. People are selfish. What person in their right mind would want to hurt their own children. It sucks and I am sooooo sorry! If you need anything let us know.
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