The $350 Splash

Dear Verizon Wireless,

Last night we were enjoying a Kodak Verizon 3.2 MegaPixel Phone Cam moment watching the Perseid meteor shower when my son made a misstep and fell in the pool.

With his 3-month old Verizon LG Dare in his pocket.

As his father, I have warned him many times about walking between me and open water, but still he wandered into tasty territory like a plump fawn casually strolling by a pride of lions.

I didn’t realize he was carrying his new phone when he “fell in”, but in the spirit of honesty, I admit this would have made little to no difference anyhow. This kid could have been pushing a Plasma television across the deck while carrying a laptop and listening to his iPod and I’m pretty sure he would have met water.

Anyhow, how do we go about getting a replacement for him? He’s already got the shakes.

Dear Verizon Wireless,

No, we do not have the liability coverage because it seemed like the biggest sucker deal in retail. We’d pay $72 a year plus a $39 deductible for a protection plan that is capped at $250. It would cost us $111 to hedge a loss of $139. How do you sleep at night with terms like this?

That said, and completely hypothetically (wink, wink), what’s your policy on backdating? And do you like chocolate?

P.S. Thank you for asking, and yes, it was funny. He was peddling those little legs trying to run in mid-air like Scooby Doo. His last words before splashdown were, “I have my ph…”. Not sure what he was trying to say but I think this whole situation could have been avoided if he had talked a bit faster.

Dear Verizon Wireless,

I wouldn’t go so far as to call the chocolate a bribe. I’m not out for clemency here. I just don’t want to pay Full Retail (a.k.a. “non-Verizon prisoner rates”) for a phone that probably cost thirteen cents to make.

My ears lit up like a pinball machine when your representative made mention of a possible replacement via a “Manufacturer’s Defect” claim. As such, I am writing to ask if your manufacturer’s defect policy extends to the common sense of children.

Or should I be writing to God?

Dear Verizon Wireless,

I write this as I eat the chocolate I had bought for you. First, out of spite for your denial of my legitimate claim, and second, because you implied that I’m the one with the defect for pushing him in the pool. Have you ever heard of the term “involuntary reflexive movement”? Obviously you’ve never had a child walk between you and a pool of water. Maybe then you’d have more compassion.

Dear Verizon Wireless,

Apology accepted. Now wasn’t that fun? Believe me, he’ll get over it when his clothes dry.

I took your advice and removed the battery to let the phone air out. It’s even clothes-pinned to our laundry line right now. It’s cute hanging up there with boxer briefs.

How your phones aren’t built to withstand a little aqueous submersion is beyond me but I’ll let you know how it goes. If it melts in the sun, is this a manufacturer’s defect?

Dear Verizon Wireless,

After 48 hours in the blazing Texas sun the phone actually powered up today. And it still works! Only one problem. Everything is now in Spanish. The text, the voice commands, everything.

Outside ordering at Taco Bell, his Spanish is non-existent, and the two simply can’t understand each other. He says, “Call Dad”, and the phone opens the calendar. He says, “language”, and I’m pretty sure the phone cursed at him in Español.

Any ideas? Is this a manufacturer’s defect?

Dear Verizon Wireless,

Don’t get testy. It was just a question. I’m not sure what qualifies as a defect in your Manufacturer’s Defect Guide outside of spontaneous combustion so it doesn’t hurt to ask.

My son managed to get the phone back to English so I take back what I said about your phones not being able to withstand drowning.

On a completely unrelated matter…what is your policy on components that rust over time for no apparent reason? Is that a manufacturer’s defect?

P.S. If I send you the rest of this chocolate how likely are you to strike this conversation from the record?

Before you flip out, I should mention one thing in my defense.

It’s Godiva.

 

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Update: I’ve been asked to post the video but I warn you…it’s not all that funny or hilarious. Andrew’s phone did magically came back to life after we dried the phone out, but as stated above, everything was Spanish.
 
He was clueless as to what to do. He was giving voice commands but all was lost in the translation and it was hilarious. My wife grabbed the camera, albeit too late to capture much, but here he is figuring it out.
 
Again, this isn’t a side splitter. It’s just evidence.