I’ve decided to start a new weekly feature called “Dear Telling Dad” whereby readers can submit questions to life’s most complex quandaries and get life-enriching answers in return.
If you have a question you’d like answered, I’d love to help you out. Need some advice? Trouble with your relationship? Parenting? Home repair? Can’t figure out how to split the atom? Have no fear, Telling Dad is here.
Simply email wisdom@tellingdad.com to submit your question!
And before you ask, yes, the first question is real.
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Q: “My toddler likes to play with her poop. Literally, she will cut it up with her toy knives and forks, put it on a plate and stick it in her toy microwave! HELP!”
A: Honestly, I wouldn’t worry too much about this. Toy knives and forks are manufactured to be quite dull so there’s really no chance of her hurting herself. It’s when she discovers your silverware drawer that you’ll need to be careful.
I also wouldn’t be too overly concerned about the toy microwave. They don’t emit nearly the same level of radiation as your traditional microwave oven, and even if she does use a real microwave, odor and substance explosion would be your biggest risks. It’s not like she’s going to grow a third arm or anything.
With regard to playing with poop, relax. While it’s a strange behavior, I’ve read that it’s actually quite common. Although I’m pretty sure I was reading a book about monkeys.
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Q: “I can’t seem to get my boys to play outside for more than 10 minutes, can you help? I’ve even set the timer for 1 hour and they’ll stand at the door waiting for the timer to go off!”
A: Your first mistake is using a timer. Let’s do an experiment to demonstrate. The next time you have an opportunity, place some mice in a box and release a nugget of cheese through a door whenever your timer dings. You’ll notice that it won’t take long for the mice to realize that they can just huddle outside the magic door and await the anticipated reward.
Sound familiar?
Today’s children have far too many sources of stimuli inside the home. They know that through that magic door, gaming systems, cell phones, Blu-Ray players, computers, and HD televisions await. Faced with this range of instant gratification, nature doesn’t stand a chance.
To break this pattern in mice and encourage activity, scientists will simply move the location of the door. Borrowing from this knowledge, the next time your boys go outside to play, relocate the door. I know it sounds like a lot of hard work, but just imagine the exercise they’ll get as they scurry about trying to find the magic door again.
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Q: “At what age should I send my boys to the Men’s bathroom by themselves instead of making them go into the ladies room with me?”
A: Don’t gauge it by your son’s age or maturity. Gauge it by the looks you get from other women. I’m not sure where the line is drawn so just test as you go. I’m pretty sure that if you walk in to the Ladies room with a three year old in tow, other women will smile at the two of you. But walk in with your teenage son and women will probably mace you both.
The rule of thumb is simple: When the smiles are replaced with furled eyebrows, it’s time.
If your boys are asking to partake in this rite of passage towards manhood, there are three criteria that must be met before you should even consider it.
First, they must be able to reach and operate the door locks. The last thing you want is the distant call from a trapped child. Not because he’ll be in there all alone, but because it’s only a matter of time before he starts reading the walls while awaiting rescue.
Second, bring hand sanitizer and tell them to not wash their hands when they’re done. I know this sounds nasty but it’s for your own protection. To a young child, all the faucets, soap dispensers, and hand dryers provide a bountiful playground of water, suds, and noise. Heed this warning or you’ll never get them out of there.
Third, you must be willing to retrieve your child. Most worried moms just shout their childrens’ names from the hallway. All this does is instill the belief in your child that every minute they’re in there without you is a minute of untethered freedom. It’s like ‘home base’ in a game of tag. You need to eliminate any thought of a safe zone and be prepared to extricate them like a battle-hardened Marine when necessary. Recon!!!
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Well, there you have it. Three questions up, three questions down, and I’m ready for more.
Email wisdom@tellingdad.com to submit your question!
I look forward to shucking and sharing my pearls of wisdom.
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