Cat Pimp

by Telling Dad on March 21, 2014

It’s probably odd to make my return with a post about pimpin’ but it makes too much sense to ignore. Just don’t go stealing my idea.

3090036Our 5-year old daughter Kamryn likes to watch a show called “Too Cute,” which is essentially an infomercial for puppies and kittens. If you ever find yourself on the fence about acquiring a pet, this show will shove you with brute force into the waiting arms of breeders and shelters alike.

As Kamryn watches, the shrieky shrills of “Ohhhhhs” and “Awwwwws” steadily climb in volume as puppies and kittens tumble over each other, chase toys, or just nod off to sleep. And should one look at the camera with a slightly tilted head? You can audibly hear Kamryn’s heart explode.

In the episode I sat to watch with her, they were showcasing a breed of cat called Savannahs. They look a lot like cheetahs and leopards, instantly making them totally way cooler than the four ghetto cats we have walking around here somewhere. The Savannahs are bigger, sleeker, purrier (it’s a word, trust me), and just plain gorgeous.

I wanted one.

Considering some people will pay you to take cats off their hands, I figured these things would cost maybe $50-$100 because of their markings and general badassiness. When I saw how off I was in my estimate, the light bulbs glowed above my noggin.

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For males…they sell for as much as $22,000. For females…$35,000. Granted, that’s for some class called an F1, but even going WAY down the line to the least desirables, you’ll shell out upwards of $1,500-$3,000. And that’s for an inferior cat!

You know how much my cats are worth?

Bear with me a moment while I look up the going rate on alleycat pelts.

Okay, they’re worth NOTHING.

In fact, when you consider ripped fabrics, puke logs, and shredded possessions, they’re actually worth negative dollars.

At the rate cats reproduce, these Savannahs would be a goldmine in comparison.

Case in point, my father-in-law has a farm. And on this farm there were two cats. Before he could hum out an E-I-E-I-O, there were three dozen offspring. With a mew-mew here and another cat there, here a cat, there a cat, everywhere another cat. So many, in fact, that he had to dedicate a swath of field to the cultivation of catnip. And because he can’t possibly catch all of these feral furballs to de-nutify them, the population keeps growing. It’s so bad that cows and goats are forming alliances.

I told Heather that we have a surefire business in the making. All we need to do is plunk down $57,000 for a top-of-the-line male and female, throw in another $20 for a litter pan and miscellaneous toys, and BOOM! We’re in business.

Beyond that, what expenses are there beyond keeping these things alive? It’s not like cats need any sort of motivation or encouragement to do the business, so we’ll save on dim lighting, mood music, and Cat Fancy centerfold pinups.

Being the practical one, Heather had some questions.

“How would you even afford $57,000 for two cats?”
This is what banks are for. They simply need to see a viable business idea that’s supported with raw numbers. Considering the gestation period for cats is measured in days, we’ll be cranking out plenty of inventory. Even if our bank doesn’t already have some sort of program for cat pimpin’, they’ll have to take this seriously.

“What about the four cats we have?”
We can sell their pelts. The search results are already bookmarked on the Google.

“How do you plan on keeping them safe?”
This idea isn’t totally fleshed out yet but I’m thinking we get a giant hamster ball. While it may be annoying as the things roll around on the hardwood floors and bump into walls, they’ll adapt. When we have an order, we put them in the same room, wait a few days, and cash a big fat check.

Jackpot.

Jackpot.

“You really think there are enough people willing to pay $20,000 for a cat?”
We can be the WalMart of Savannah cats. Even at fifteen grand a pop, we’re making mad bank, and people will line up for the savings. Best of all, people LOVE the whole “Made in America” dealio, which we can play up with some fancy stickers.

And besides, if you show the following photo to someone with a spare $15,000?

It’s as good as sold:

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The whole idea is still in its infancy stages but that doesn’t mean I haven’t already ordered my personalized license plate.

This…is gonna be sweet.

ferarri

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The Hiatus is Over

by Telling Dad on March 20, 2014

Hope you’re all ready.

More importantly, I hope you’re all still out there.

Can’t wait!

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In a word…Zikomo!

by Telling Dad on December 1, 2013

Well, it’s been two months so I figured I should probably write a post. And what better way to break back into the world of blogging than to share the end result of our Flip Flop campaign.

Thanks to your generosity and thanks to you embracing our project, we were able to provide every single child in the Malawi Children’s Village with a brand new pair of Crocs. I knew the smiles would be worth it and knowing that these children are no longer forced to navigate their harsh and dangerous terrain in bare feet feels absolutely amazing.

More than 150 pairs of Crocs sandals were distributed and not one child went without. So thank you, or as they say in their native language, “Zikomo.” You all helped make a huge difference in these children’s lives. Every tweet, every Like, every share, and every dollar…I’m so grateful for all of your support.

Please take some time to soak in all of these photos. They touch the soul. And in a world wrought with negativity, we could all use a smile.

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With Apologies to Cashews and Almonds…You’re Nuts

November 30, 2013

Earlier today I was given a link to one of the more enjoyable, funny, and sarcastic posts I’ve read in quite some time. It focused on the growing obsession over being politically correct in all facets of speech and communication. Ironically enough, the post wasn’t intended to be funny OR sarcastic. It was definitely enjoyable […]

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Blog Star: A Parody for Bloggers

November 23, 2013

Time for another blogging parody! I was inspired to write this particular song after having my Guest Speaker application rejected by a blogging conference I had previously attended as a panelist. It made me realize that while I enjoyed writing and had a small yet loyal following, I was a virtual nobody in the blogging […]

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Walk a Mile FOR Their Shoes

July 1, 2013

It’s time to pay the piper. Me, of course, being that piper. But I don’t want it for me. I want it for the Flip Flop campaign my wife and I have organized for the Children’s Village we support in Malawi. Over the past several months, I have done dozens of blog tweaks, security updates, […]

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The Five Stages of Orphan Cat Ownership

June 3, 2013

Vet bills. This is the fallout I forget about when fostering my wife’s favorite hobby, pet harvesting. If she weren’t so compassionate and caring, we’d have far less dander in this house. But because her heart behaves like some maniacal co-pilot struggling to take the controls away from her brain, we have a stockpile of […]

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I Love Naked Ken

May 24, 2013

I look forward to Christmas every year. Next to Thanksgiving and the mystery surrounding that lying little rodent on Groundhog Day, it’s my favorite holiday of all time. I just need to remember to avoid Facebook this coming season. If you were on Facebook at any time between December 1st and Christmas Day then you […]

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Kitty Cat Warfare

May 11, 2013

As many of you might remember, I had made an agreement with Michael and Kamryn that if they could go two weeks without fighting and misbehaving, we’d get them a kitten. [See: Kitty Cat Countdown] And, as you can see from the picture below, there are now three furry little balls of curiosity chilling on […]

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In Remembrance

May 4, 2013

Today we gathered at the church to celebrate my mother-in-law’s life and say our collective goodbyes. I was asked to write and deliver the eulogy, which I felt was a tremendous honor. I had hoped I’d be able to do her justice and was so touched by everyone approaching me afterwards to say that I […]

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Do You Have 28 Blogs That You Want To Self-Servingly Promote? I’m Your Ho!

April 30, 2013

Okay, not really, but I must be giving off the vibe that I’m so desperate for blog content that I’m willing to take MY time to post THEIR linkbait without ANY compensation whatsoever. How else can I explain the constant stream of media johns approaching me every single day? Does this approach really work? Is […]

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“The thing about it is”

April 28, 2013

Next to “I love you, darlin’” this was my grandmother’s favorite phrase of all time. When spoken, you knew it was going to precede one of three things: 1) A long, drawn out story with more tangents than a Geometry textbook; 2) A series of made up facts and historical inaccuracies in order to prove […]

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Love.

April 24, 2013

“In good times and in bad.” It’s a promise we made to each other many many years ago while standing before an altar in the presence of God, friends, and family. In too many cases, these vows are merely a recited passage…a formality in the process of marriage. Stand here, say that, and kiss. In […]

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Elmo Makes Music. Kids Make Noise.

March 17, 2013

I learned a few things at the Sesame Street “Elmo Makes Music” concert last night: 1. Triangles have three sides; 2. The letter “J” is a big sponsor; and 3. I never want to do that again. The concert itself was actually really well done based on the portions I could hear. It was nice […]

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The Post Office Delivers…a Lawsuit?

March 14, 2013

Let’s see, it’s been roughly three weeks since I pledged to write daily. In that time, I’ve had plenty of stories to share and zero minutes with which to share them. It seems that whenever I find my literary groove, life takes a twisty curvy turn through overgrown briar patches littered with stress, ridiculousness, and […]

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