Oh, Deer!

by Telling Dad on January 21, 2010

van4Over the past six months I’ve written a lot about my disdain for much of what we’ve experienced while here in Texas.

Scorpions that drop from the ceiling, wasps that wield harpoons for stingers, fire ants that have no purpose on earth beyond spreading venom and misery, oppressive heat, and grass that I firmly believe was genetically engineered to maim.

In our short stint in Texas we have witnessed record heat, record cold, and record rainfall. Twice. We lost our baby in the sixth month of pregnancy. We watched a guy crossing the street get run over by the car in the next lane. We had fire ants chew through our circuit breaker and cause a short. We watched our driveway get washed away in a flood. And, in true country song splendor, our dog died.

There’s more, lots more, but even with it all, we still feel blessed. Our children are healthy, we haven’t had to endure the more harrowing tragedies experienced by others, and we have the ability to get the heck out of here.

In preparation for next week’s escape move to North Carolina, Heather loaded our van with a few tons of recyclables and departed for her 20-minute drive to the recycling center. Five minutes later, Texas gave us one more kick in the groin. Just for good measure.

A deer, which had apparently given up all hope, sprinted into the street with two of her buddies and smashed head first into the side of our van, completely shattering the driver’s side window and caving in the side panel.

Thanks Texas!

When I arrived on the scene I saw three patrol cars, a dead deer, and broken glass everywhere. Ev-er-y-where. I approached the van and Kamryn was just sitting there calling my name. She didn’t care that she was covered in glassy bits. Fortunately, no injuries to her. I don’t think she cared.

Heather had a few cuts on her hands, a sore noggin from where the window hit her, and a bunch of glass in her hair, pants, shirt, and other unmentionable places. How she got glass down there I’ll never know but I’m inclined to think she was actually driving naked. I don’t care if this is true or not, just let a man daydream, okay?

One of the officers suggested I return home to fetch her some new clothes since these had to be tossed. Apparently, my little princess can’t handle getting impaled every time she slips her jeans on. I didn’t want to leave but when a man with a gun and a tazer makes a request, I tend to follow through.

I returned to see that the EMS had arrived to provide her with an on-site changing room and after they cleaned her up, she emerged in the mismatched outfit I had haphazardly plucked from the closet. She looked cute…my adorable little deer slayer.

Geico completely rocked the house and put us on the fast-track to getting the car totally repaired…body work and all…in time for our departure next week. I already use their kickin’ ringtone, “ringa ding ding ding dong”, and now I have them going to bat for me. Long live the gecko.

What follows are the photos of her literal run-in with the deer. I had no idea these cute harmless things could inflict so much damage to steel.

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Ya know, I’ve been thinking. Why do all these tough and rugged guys in Texas get up at 4am, eat a side of pig, down a gallon of coffee, and then scamper off into the woods to shoot anything that moves in the hopes they hit something with antlers when all it takes is a Minivan and Main Street?

{ 22 comments }

Rub My Sirloins

by Telling Dad on January 19, 2010

When you envision a nice soothing massage, what comes to mind?

Lit candles? Quiet sleepytime music? The subtle aroma of exotic herbs and oils?

How about ham hocks, deer noggins, and slabs of cow?

My wife and I were driving through the winding country roads of New York when we stumbled across this gem of a home-based business. The visions it conjured up were so priceless that I begged my wife to take me back there with camera in hand.

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It’s run out of a quaint enough home in the hills of upstate New York, and while I’m sure they are super nice people, it just wouldn’t be my destination of choice for a massage. Unless, of course, I was sore from hours of tracking and dragging deer through the brush. Perhaps then I’d want to kick back and enjoy a little rub down as my deer is processed into little bundles of venison.

Part of me wanted to schedule an appointment purely for the potential comedic value but we were heading out of town too soon to make that happen. But you can bet I’ll show up next time we’re visiting my wife’s parents.

Before deer-processing massage therapists from across the country have a cow (no pun intended) know that I’m allowed to be stereotypical. We lived in that area for years and years, so I can pretty much tell you with complete accuracy how it would all go down.

As I walked through the front door I’d be greeted by the soft melodic sounds of banjos and distant band saws. I’d be given a mug of Old Milwaukee along with an old copy of Field & Stream to read while I waited.

After a quick bathroom break through the door marked “Cowpokes”, I’d be led into the massage parlor where I’d be asked to lay atop butcher paper. Glassy-eyed deer heads would stare at me from above and steaks-in-waiting would be dangling on meat hooks just outside the window.

All this considered, I’m sure the rubdown would be amazing, and that might make the nightmare-inducing ambiance worth it. After all, these people are experts in tenderizing meat, and that’s just what this knot in my back needs.

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Sick of Hearing About Haiti

by Telling Dad on January 17, 2010

I’ve read a number of opinion pieces and comments slamming the relief efforts underway for the victims of the earthquake in Haiti and I have to respectfully disagree with their viewpoints.

The basis of their argument is that there are enough needs here in America…why should we help some foreign country? Why should we divert funds, rations, and supplies to a small nation in the midst of their tragedy when we have daily tragedy happening right here at home?

I get that. I understand that. But I also think there can be no comparison.

There is a big difference between being affected by the economic downturn and being instantly crushed beneath concrete and rebar.

There is a big difference between being forced to seek assistance through unemployment, food programs, and charities, and being forced to hunt amongst the dead in search of morsels of food and suitable drinkable water.

There is a big difference between realizing your family is broke and realizing your family is dead.

I’ve read a number of commentaries where people have grown tired of seeing Haiti splashed in the headlines, dominating the news, and eliciting all kinds of attention. Rest assured, the families of the tens of thousands who were killed, maimed, or stripped of everything they owned have grown weary of the earthquake’s fallout as well.

Right now, as the detractors write from computers that equal a typical year’s pay in Haiti, there are people still trapped beneath the rubble. At this very hour, there are children wandering the streets without parents, without family members, and without a known destination.

As you read this, there are wounded people agonizing outside makeshift medical tents that are woefully understaffed and under supplied. And right now, there are hundreds of thousands of people who have no access to even the most basic of necessities.

As you shower in warm water, cook that can of soup, or flip on a light switch, remember that these are unfathomable luxuries to the affected. Packing what you can, sending what you can, and doing what you can to extend comfort to Haiti doesn’t mean you are ignoring the problems we face at home. It just means you’re making an effort to give a little more than you’re used to.

Throughout the year in our household, we bag up items for Goodwill, donate money to charitable organizations, give food to local pantries, and offer our time to charitable programs. No one is asking us to stop, and no one is asking us to divert our donations away from American needs and forward them on to Haiti.

We’re simply digging a little deeper in our closets. Digging a little deeper in our pantry. And digging a little deeper in our wallets.

An argument was posed saying that people are losing their jobs, losing their homes, and being forced to sleep in their cars here in America, so why don’t we help them instead? Ok, good argument, point taken. But do most people help them? Or do they simply want to try and dictate where aid that they had no hand in securing should be distributed?

In truth, we as a society do try and lessen the burden for those affected by poverty, unemployment, and homelessness. There are public assistance programs, there are food bank options, and there are social outreach initiatives in place. Is it enough? No. Not so long as men, women, and children go hungry. But this doesn’t mean we should ignore the pleas of others.

Answer the following questions honestly…even if you already gave at the office.

Would you offer a bandage to the wounded even if he or she wasn’t a part of your family?

Would you take cold water to the lips of the parched even if he or she wasn’t from your community?

Would you offer comfort to a child who just lost his or her entire family even if he or she wasn’t an American?

Then why is this so different?

This isn’t a situation where a bunch of people are lined up with their greedy little hands out looking for freebies. These are people who seek the basic necessities of life so that they can return to some degree of normalcy.

If we can help alleviate their pain by boxing up some extra old clothes from our closets, plucking some extra food from our pantry, or donating a few extra dollars from our wallets, then where is the harm?

Truth be told, I’m sick of hearing about Haiti as well. Not because I feel they don’t deserve our assistance, but because I’m saddened by all the heartbreaking stories of death, despair, and hopelessness.

It will take more than prayers, condolences, and statements of sympathy to bring back what was lost. It will take time, money, and supplies, and I know that we’re going to do our part to help.

And I promise you this.

Not one American man, woman, or child will suffer as a result of our compassion.

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An Open Letter to James Mammone III

January 15, 2010

As those of you who follow me on Twitter know by now, the trial of James Mammone III ended with a verdict of Guilty on All Counts. It was an expected verdict but one we longed to hear anyhow. Now that this phase is over, we’re one step closer to final justice.
Next Tuesday, the sentencing [...]

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Where’s the Funny?

January 12, 2010

I apologize for the last month of virtual silence but I at least wanted to share why I’ve been M.I.A.
I can’t write.
I want to write. I simply can’t.
It’s not from a lack of ideas, topics, or funny stories that I want to share. I have plenty of those. I’m simply finding it difficult to [...]

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May the Gavel Precede Justice

January 11, 2010

Update: For those interested, the local newspaper is providing an in-trial blog as the proceedings continue. Not that this creep is anything to look at anyhow but they chose quite a sinister photo for the header.
I can’t begin to imagine the surge of emotions Marci will experience tomorrow as she walks through those courtroom doors [...]

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I Blog, Therefore I Sham?

January 3, 2010

If you’re among those who believe that blogging is the key to early retirement, I’m about to burst your delusional bubble.
Cindi from Moomette’s Magnificents recently showed off that some lead harvesting business opportunity site calculated her blog as being worth $31,049.70.
Knowing I’d sell my children for half that amount I decided to see how [...]

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Using Twitter in the Midst of Tragedy

December 15, 2009

Yesterday, someone I’ve only known digitally experienced a tremendous loss when her 2-year old son fell into their pool and subsequently drowned. I couldn’t imagine such a tragedy and it broke my heart even though I’ve never met him or her IRL.
Inexplicably, someone is challenging this mom in her grief to “prove it”. Another went [...]

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Monday Mingle – December 7th

December 7, 2009

In the words of that freakish little blonde in Poltergeist…I’m baaaaaack!
Man, that was a long two weeks but we did have a great time. It’s hard to crack my way back into the blogosphere after being gone so long.
Hopefully you’ll all welcome me with open arms. I figured doing a Monday Mingle would [...]

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Monday Mingle Rejected

November 22, 2009

Hey all! I arrived in New York safely and was ready to activate the Monday Mingle that I had recorded last week since I expected to be gone. Unfortunately, the video was rejected by YouTube because I had used a song into that must have sent up a red flag. It was only 45 seconds [...]

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Why Does Best Buy’s Customer Service Irk Me?

November 20, 2009

Perhaps I’m so accustomed to getting terrible customer service wherever I go that I’m just not prepared for the customer gushing that takes place at Best Buy.
At first, it’s appreciated, but it doesn’t take long to get eye-gougingly annoying. I think their associates have overdosed on customer service videos.
It all starts when I walk through [...]

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Hello, I’m giving you my 88-week notice.

November 20, 2009

I never thought I’d ever write a blog post about Oprah unless it was to thank her for having me on her show.
But this announcement of hers is just insane.
CNN and MSNBC are all aflutter with headlines, video montages, and “fan reaction” after Oprah deflated the world by announcing that she was quitting her show.
In [...]

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MomTV Show Format Changing

November 19, 2009

Join me LIVE on MomTV at 2pm EST every Thursday starting December 3rd!
I’ve decided to change the format of my MomTV show from one of parental randomness to one about SEO, Marketing and Design for bloggers and site owners. We had a really good discussion and I hope people learned a few things.
I realized [...]

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